where is the line between personal responsibility for your own feelings and your partner’s responsibility to take care of them?

13 comments

1. My advice is to go with the one thing at the top. Penetration without foreplay is just ignorant. A good lover will want to improve his performance and this is 101 elementary, how to have sex type of thing. If he can’t get with that, he’s not going to work out for any woman IMO

2. I think you did a pretty good job explaining it here, have him read it. As long as the work on the problem is 50/50, I don’t really think there is a line. If you guys can’t talk about it early on, it will be a problem that grows. If you let it go on, one day it WILL be something he did, probably unintentionally, then your past trauma will become your current trauma. You’re already beginning to resent him for not remembering your triggers. Your relationship is young and can rebound quickly if you nip it in the bud now.

   Just a thought. Good luck.

3. Talk to him. If he’s worth keeping, he will help you through this, maybe with counseling also. I told my husband of 20 years that I was molested as a child, and he only wanted to help me through it. Issues related to it now are gone, aside from the fact that the offender was never prosecuted.

4. If I am ever with a guy who thinks he’s penetraring without foreplay, no, he isn’t.

   Absolutely take that off the table. Also, You’ve known this guy for 3 months and he is treating you this way. You can’t know you want to spend the rest of your life with him. You don’t know him well enough, and you deserve the respect of yourself to make sure you are getting to know people.

5. So it’s not clear to me how much of what is triggering you is something he did that you had not communicated that you dislike (or maybe even something that was previously fine) and how much of it is him doing things you’ve asked him not to do. I’m going to assume it’s the first, because if it’s the second, that would be very shitty of him. Especially when it comes to sex, everyone should be enjoying themselves. If someone’s not having fun, then sex should stop (or change to something more mutually enjoyable).

   You should absolutely be communicating your triggers to him. You don’t have to give him details about why something triggers you unless you want to. Instead of him “shouldering a burden” or you dealing with your history on your own, you two can come up with ways to avoid the triggers in fun ways. It sounds like quickies need to be a hard no (maybe not forever, but for now). In other cases, there should be plenty of time for foreplay, so that needs to be a discussion. Penetration without foreplay just sounds painful (unless you were already horny), so maybe it’s a no penetration until you specifically ask him for it – dirty talk ftw lol.

6. None of the onus can be on him if he doesn’t know about your trauma and your triggers. You need to have a real heart to heart with him and open up. I know that’s hard and scary, but you can’t work through this with him if he doesn’t know what the problems are. It’s okay to mention your past relationship. This isn’t really something you can deal with on your own, because it’s an issue that needs to be worked through with a safe partner.

7. > Is it my responsibility to deal with the bad emotions and try to fix them?

   Yes, though I’m not sure exactly what you mean by “fix”, emotions are emotions, they can’t really be broken or fixed, only felt.

   What you want to “fix” is your reaction to those negative emotions. It’s okay if you feel unsafe or re-traumatized, that’s your body jumping into self preservation mode to try to protect you, but with time, healing, and security you can distinguish the difference between feeling unsafe and actually being unsafe and that can help you rationalize away the negative emotions.

   Also, just because it’s your responsibility to work through this stuff doesn’t mean you have to do it alone, but your partner has to be patient and understanding that this isn’t something that you are doing, it’s something that is happening to you.

   > is it his fault that he’s doing things that I’ve told him bother me?

   Also yes. I know you mentioned you aren’t totally clear on your triggers but if you’ve specifically told him not to do something and he does it anyway, that’s him ignoring your boundaries, which is bad in general but can be especially harmful for someone in your situation.

   > Is there something more I can / should be doing besides trying to communicate?

   If therapy isn’t an option you might want to look into PTSD resources or support groups in your area or online. I can’t speak to any specifics because I haven’t been through what you have but there are hopefully free resources near you and any help is better than none. TBH, it sounds like therapy could help you to zero in on what triggers you and learn to communicate that in a way your partner understands, but I’m not a mental health professional so take my advice with a grain of salt.

   > penetration without foreplay I think is what really what gets me

   Everybody’s body is different but I wouldn’t recommend penetrative sex without foreplay even for people without PTSD. Definitely don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with.

   > how can I communicate this to him in a way that doesn’t put blame on him, and also isn’t constantly bringing up my past relationship?

   For the former, you can just tell him that it’s not his fault, but you’d appreciate his patience and understanding while you work through your shit. For the latter, I’m not sure you have to worry, it’s not like you’re saying great things about an ex, you’re referencing trauma you experienced in a previous relationship. Anyone who gets jealous or weird about that probably isn’t someone mature enough to be dating, let alone dating someone with trauma.

8. >I wanna communicate what’s bothering me because I know that’s probably what a healthy relationship should be, but it’s hard to express something when you’re not really sure and when it’s something so finicky as emotions.

   You don’t have to have it all figured out to communicate with your BF. In fact, you absolutely *shouldn’t* wait that long. That’s what partnership is all about. If I were you, I’d tell him what’s going on with you…what’s happening in your experience. When I’m struggling with something, I let my wife know, “Hey, I’m struggling with this. I don’t know what it is or what it means, but it feels like ____.” Then I work through with her support.

   >Is it my responsibility to deal with the bad emotions and try to fix them?

   Ultimately, yes. A person’s feelings and actions are ultimately their responsibility. But it’s more complicated than that.

   >is it his fault that he’s doing things that I’ve told him bother me?

   Absolutely. There are a lot of reasons that he might be doing it. He might be an asshole. He might be aloof. He might not have gotten the message fully. Or he might not understand the gravity because he doesn’t have the back story. Or something else. Who knows till you talk about it.

   >Is there something more I can / should be doing besides trying to communicate?

   Hard to say. Start there and you’ll have more information to react to and make decisions with.

   >I’ve been thinking about taking penetration off the table, because penetration without foreplay I think is what really what gets me. but I don’t want to seem like I’m punishing him either 🙁

   First of all, you should have done that immediately. That’s the immediate solution. It doesn’t mean that you don’t need to communicate, especially if this is a serious LTR.

   >I feel stuck and I’m not sure what to do moving forward. he can tell when I’m in a weird mood, but I don’t want to tell him, “oh it’s because of something you did” when it’s really something that I’m experiencing.

   It’s both…don’t make that mistake. Let’s not overlook that he’s intentionally doing shit that he knows you don’t want him to do, so he’s not blameless. Also, don’t couch this as “blame”, this is q *boundary”. You are allowed (and is say have a responsibility to) protect yourself from harm, however unintentional it might be.

9. If he cares about you, he will put your emotional well being above everything else. He will be willing to hear what you have to say and work with you to find solutions to avoid triggering you while engaged in sexual activity.

   If you approach him with your history, and talk to him in a factual way about your background with no insinuation that he is doing anything wrong, I don’t think he will feel blamed in any way. If anything, he will feel good that you shared that with him, and horrible that sexual interaction can leave you feeling bad for days on end.

   If he really cares for you, he will completely understand that you didn’t want to burden him with these issues, and feel horrible that you felt you had to deal with them on your own. A caring partner take a great deal of pleasure in the shared joy of the sexual experience. No one wants their partner to walk away feeling horrible for days.

   Part of it may be letting you be 100% in charge for a while. Everything that happens is on your terms. He can enthusiastically engage in things you initiate, but the initiation has to come from you. Over time, as you get used to each other, you can agree to more initiation by him, but only in certain ways. Over time as you build that trust, you could blossom into having a very fulfilling sexual relationship where you know each other very well and feel safe.

10. If you are going to start your relationship like that, you are setting yourself for failure. Play open card. Tell him about your trauma and what you need to deal with your trigger. If he truly love u, he will adapt his way of approaching you. If you cannot communicate verbally. Write a letter to him. Or leave a voice note but do not ignore this. It will only make it worst.

    Truama is serious thing. I will advice you to go to a sex therapy so both of you can get to know each other on that area. Don’t keep yourself a prisoner.

    Best of luck

11. Yes I’ve been through this! I’m in an awesome relationship now, but prior to this went through two years of situations where partner did not respect boundaries, was not interested in my pleasure at all, and straight up SA. Now I have triggers that seem like such small things that it’s embarrassing to talk about – my partner hasn’t done anything wrong, but I have specific boundaries due to my triggers that I had to identify and deal with at the start of our relationship. For the first couple months this kept causing me to feel awful after sex, and even have panic attacks, until I talked to him about them. My triggers were/are using the word “fuck” as a verb in relation to intercourse we engaged in together, and if he would put his hand too close to my neck during sex – touching my collarbones, holding my shoulder. Seems like small stuff so it was extra hard to bring up, but he was so understanding and caring about it and knowing that he knows and cares has made sex so much more enjoyable. He stopped these things for good immediately after the first time I brought them up, and you should accept nothing less either. Of course I have other triggers but they are much worse/more obvious things which I don’t expect I’d ever have to address with him.

    If you’ve told him something bothers or triggers you and he keeps doing it, he is not caring. Penetration without foreplay would upset me too, what is he, 17? Sounds like really boring and awful sex. No, he is not “incredible and wonderful and supportive” like you think. Just because this is *better* than your last experience does not make it *good*.

    To answer your questions: Yes it *is* his fault that he’s doing things you’ve told him upset you. As your partner, he should be working with you to make sure he doesn’t do things that make you feel bad. You should *not* have to do anything more than communicate in this situation. It’s only three months dude, leave before he tramples more boundaries and shows blatant disregard and disrespect for you.

12. That’s what safe words are for… also, if you’re comfortable enough to be physically intimate, you should be comfortable enough to bring up the conversation about the things you know are triggers, and those you believe to be in certain circumstances. You don’t have to go into detail, especially if you’re not ready.

13. In a healthy relationship, you are safe to express your needs and wants and be heard by your partner. Your need for safety is respected. If your partner knows that something is not ok with you, they should either not do it, or end the relationship and find someone who is ok with it.

    If he’s doing things to you that you’ve asked him not to do, yes that is his fault and he is wrong. This is not about how he washes dishes or which direction he mows the lawn. What he does during sex directly affects you. He doesn’t own your body, he does not get to just do whatever he likes to it without regard for you.

    I would also recommend you give some thought to the possibility that an egregiously bad past relationship may have skewed your idea of what a good relationship looks like, so that you are tolerating behavior that should not be tolerated because it feels somewhat less bad than what your ex did. At three months in you are only just beginning to see each other’s real selves. This is when the mask tends to slip. I’m not saying he’s evil, just that you need to keep the rational part of the brain engaged so that infatuation doesn’t blind you to problems.

    I have been SAd by an ex. My partner is a genuinely good and caring person, and his approach was to let me lead when it came to sex. He cared more about me feeling safe and loved than he cared about his own pleasure. And this is really the only way I could have a healthy sex life after past experiences. I know I can trust him to listen when I tell him something upsets me, to stop when I ask him to stop, and to never knowingly do something that causes me harm. He would be devastated if something he did made me hurt or afraid. Because he loves me. That’s what love looks like. Is that what your boyfriend gives you?