I [27 F] have a long history of feeling most happy when in relationships, and depending on how much my life sucks at the time, relying on my partner for happiness. This ultimately doesn’t affect my partner much (I’m not the “clingy” type), but I know it’s still unhealthy. I REALLY want to be happy without constantly checking my phone for new messages or using date nights as motivation to get through the week. Multiple therapists have unfortunately been unhelpful, and I’m already on antidepressants. I’m really busy with school/work, hang out with friends when I can, and have my own hobbies; despite all of this, I still feel constantly depressed. Break ups hit me HARD and I’m worried about how much my life would derail if my current relationship were to end. Anybody have advice?
tl;dr: very depressed, rely on relationships for happiness, doin everything I can to help myself but it’s not working, help
2 comments
You are doing several things right – you have friends and hobbies and are doing things to enrich your life. There are two things you can try. One is think about the kind of person you want to be and work towards it. If there is some sort of skill you really want to develop, put some time into it. The other is volunteering. People tend to underestimate how beneficial helping others is for mental health. It tends to help with depression, and it also tends to help with self-esteem. When you’re feeling bad about yourself, being able to remember specific ways in which you made other people’s or animals’ lives better can really be a good pick-me-up.
Romantic love is literally like a drug to the brain. So it’s a bit unrealistic to expect, hobby, friends, schoolwork will give you that same buzz. Nonetheless, your friends and hobbies should bring joy into your life, too.
If they are not, my guess is that youre not living a life that is authentic to yourself. For example, maybe these friends, you met due to proximity, but you don’t actually connect deeply with them or feel truly yourself around them. Or maybe you are studying something in school, but it’s not what excites you.
I think overcoming this type of codependent pattern entails building your own life, but that doesn’t mean mindlessly filling your time with random things and people. It means building a life very *deliberately*, with things, hobbies, and interests, that feel fulfilling, challenging, and enriching to YOU.