I (21M) have been dating my girlfriend (21F) for 2 years. For background, we go to a university in my capital city. I have been living here, while she comes from other town 500km away. Her mom is a single parent, working for her and brother.
I love to make her happy, like making her life easier here. I pay for 95% of our dates, and I don’t have any problem with that. Other than that, I drive her everywhere, introduce her to important figures, got her an internship, moving in/out, academics, every day struggles (financial, family), etc. I often go out of my way for her if possible. She’s used to getting things her way (might correlate to my very first post).
I will be on a study abroad, and have been pretty busy preparing all kinds of things. My mental has been crazy for preparation. She’s been free this week, but hasn’t really cared for me much, I communicate about it, she was defensive at first, but then asks what she can effort to help me. Then today, I needed her to buy me something which was close to her dorm, and to deliver it to me, then accompany me packing my stuff. But she always has an excuse, even though she said she is free. I just feel like she never goes out of her way to help me at all, or do any efforts that require a bit of hardship. Her excuse was my house is too far, as she has to take 20 minutes tram ride (instead of me driving her per usual). Then tries to blame me saying I requested it too late, and that she doesn’t have time to prepare. There’s still so much time, even if she wants to do her hair and make up first, as I requested it at 10am.
I am bit confused that she asks what she can do to help me, but when there’s something she can do, though needing a bit of effort, she never seems to be willing to help me. She answer saying she feels like she is a burden to me, in which I quickly denies, and says that I just want to communicate with her about it. Tries to shift it to me, as if I was demanding a lot of things. Says that she’ll never be enough for me, and that she doesn’t deserve my efforts.
tl;dr I often go out of my way for gf, she almost never does, always wanting things her way (or easy way). I communicate about it, she victimizes herself saying she’ll never be enough for me.
Please be civil in the comments. If you have critics (always open for one!) or advice for me/the relationship/my girlfriend, do so in a friendly manner, makes me easier to learn and reflect!
2 comments
Looking at your post history, it’s clear that it’s not just this instance; it seems that this relationship hasn’t been working for you for a while. And if your account of events is accurate, she’s been very consistent with her behavior overtime: she demands but when it’s time to give back, she just shuts down. I think you should stop thinking about why she’s like that and what magic words or actions will get her to see the light, and focus on figuring out why you’re so adamant on getting her to change when she clearly does not want or see the need to. You can only control your own choices and behavior, so you should make sure that those truly represent who you are as a person and what you want out of life and relationships.
When you bring up a complaint in a relationship and the other person’s response is to bash themselves, if you want the relationship to have any chance, you have to never comfort them or reassure them. Instead, you direct them back to the problem. If she says she will never be enough for you, you say, “That is hard to know, but right now we’re discussing this one issue, and I want to know if you are willing to work on it. Are you?” If she says she feels like a burden you can say, “I am sorry you feel that way, but we can discuss that issue after we resolve the current one.” Unless you can actually fix problems together in a relationship, you don’t really have a meaningful serious relationship. You’re not partners. So, if someone is either incapable or unwilling to work with you to actually come to agreements you both can be happy with, then break up. But don’t ever go along with their attempt to give up on even trying to solve the problem, because that is equivalent to breaking up while pretending to stay together. You know the relationship isn’t working, but you’re still letting it hurt both of you.