I (2xM) am not born or brought up in a first world country where these things are more commonly talked about, and hence I felt a perspective from these countries might help. Yes I have been to therapy. TW: SA, might have some trauma dumping also. Plus I’m sleep deprived when writing this.
I am for the most part, asexual. I remember my first time watching porn, and thinking about how the girls were hotter clothed than naked. Porn simply never worked, and I ended up using physical stimulation to power through in hopes that things would sort themselves out. Also to add to that, maybe my aesthetics are warped but I don’t have a good sense of beauty or whatever. I like the way girls look without makeup more than with, and although I can tell if someone would be 6+ or 6- that’s about the range of my aesthetic estimation. (I think having a scale or something like that is not a good idea). I see guys asking each other if they are boob men or ass men, and I’m a face guy. I did, and to a large extent still do keep thinking that as a high testosterone individual, I should definitely have a high libido. Although logically I know it shouldn’t be that way.
I also discovered that I was a fetishist, particularly hypnosis. It doesn’t even have to be erotic, but it is useful in eliciting a sexual response from my body. Initially it began as experimentation, but eventually it became essential in meeting my needs. I never went more than my needs, and sometimes I didn’t even meet them. Tropes of dominance made me feel like an awful person, controlling of other people. Tropes of submission felt emasculating. I really hoped that it was just a phase and it would blow over. When it didn’t after a year, I thought that something had to change. I decided to abstain, but then my occasional wet dreams started featuring hypnosis heavily, almost doing away with sex altogether. Eventually I had to stop abstaining. There’s also a lot of scammery and dangerous weird shit on that part of the internet, and in general that makes me even more uncomfortable with my fetish.
At around 18, I was curious if maybe I was gay. Around the time I was molested 2-3 times at the gym. Basically the gym trainer would grope my man boobs from behind me and joke about how I had bad genes. Initially I let it off, treating it as locker room talk although it affected me. But one time I just told him him I didn’t feel comfortable with him doing that. He didn’t get the hint though, and after the 3rd time I avoided the gym entirely or I avoided his shifts. I find it difficult to recollect any details whatsoever, but the gist would probably be somewhat similar. My therapist is not aware of this exactly, they think that it only happened once (for reasons I would like to avoid if possible)
Basically around the time this happened, I stopped being curious if I was gay. I always thought dicks were weird but now they were also gross, and it’s been like that since. I don’t want to give it a shot anymore.
I was attracted after many years to one girl that I briefly met. We went out on a date. It was good. However she had gotten out of a relationship, had other things going on in life and things kinda ended there. (I kinda feel bad about this because we were on call once after the date and she sent me a screenshot from her fitbit showing an insanely high heartrate for the duration of the call)
Anyways, about half a year goes by. I come out to my parents. They think I might be demi. I don’t think so because that girl I just talked about, I met her only twice before I thought I was into her.
Just to get rid of stigmas like being a virgin or never having kissed anyone, I tried going on a casual date via a dating app. I told myself- who knows maybe kissing is really hot and passionate.
I go out on a date with this cute girl. Btw, I had informed her that I was kinda asexual and I didn’t know how things would go, and that my main goal was to get rid of stigmas like I mentioned above. She told me not to expect anything before we went out, and I agreed because obviously. I did not pack condoms or anything.
It was her first causal date also. The date was great. Afterwards she asked for permission from a friend that stayed nearby to borrow a room for 20 minutes ish, and informed me we were on a time constraint. I asked her what we would be doing, and she just said we would “enjoy ourselves” so I was confused as hell. (Monkey brain forgot the concept of making out, although I still feel it could imply something like oral idk).
Anyways, when we finally get to kissing, I really thought it’d be better. Obviously I had high expectations set for the activity of kissing, as if I would be asexual no more. Honestly I probably need several questions just based on that one quick make out sesh but this is not the place for that. I did decently well apparently, because she asked me a couple of times if I really hadn’t kissed anyone before.
After like 10 minutes of kissing I asked if we could cuddle for the remainder, and she agreed. While cuddling she did this hot thing where she grabbed one of my legs with both her legs and choked it kinda lol. Even though I have thoughts like these, my body just didn’t respond. I think I got an erection only once, and for 1 minute max. I told her this (probably because I expected some kindness or something) but she just replied with “what? Are you a girl or Something?” Which might be warranted because I bro’d her a couple times on accident (I only mention this to defend her please don’t flame me too bad). But I just felt out of it after that. I went to the loo, cuddled a bit more. Anyways 20 minutes-ish have gone by and I realise I shouldn’t be a burden on her friend or her, and told her that we should probably leave. I left and she saw me off until my cab came.
Sometimes I panic because the hypnosis community is not quite large, it’s very niche and I think about how I’ll likely never have a solid relationship. I’m taking big steps because of this emotion, like where I move to in the future etc is influenced largely by it. I guess I need to accept that the sea is small and the fish are few. Sometimes I think about why I am the way that I am, did some god mess up, or are my neurons just fried. All these years I never pursued anyone seriously because I knew they were never going to be sexually compatible with me, but having faced it I have to accept it. I just don’t know how to. How do I stop feeling like I’ll be normal only when I’m het? How do I stop the feeling of never fitting in when it comes to sexual/relationship matters? Could I have stopped all of this at a young age if I knew better? Etc etc etc.