Hey Reddit community. I am looking for some advice for a situation I have got myself into regarding my husband. Throwaway because my husband is a Reddit usher. I understand my situation is 100% my fault, and I have no idea what to do about it.
A quick history; I went to high school with my husband but never really hung out with him. We were in different friend groups and I was a year younger. About 6 years after high school we re-connected and started dating. 3 years later we were married. I have never been happier in my entire life. My husband is a caring and strong man that always does right by our kids and I. We are now in our upper 30’s
Here is the problem, when my husband and I were dating, he asked me about a year in why I never participate in oral. It wasn’t in a mean or accusing way, more just curious. I told him that I really didn’t care for it and only did it one or two times. My husband was understanding, told me that it’s perfectly fine, and that it’s not an issue. He was just curious. Unfortunately I made a mistake…and I lied…
Two days ago we were at a dinner with a bunch of our highschool friends, some that I am still close with. We were all a bit tipsy when our friends started talking about who they were intimate in high school. Then my friend stated, “hey let’s hear about yours.” Then one of my friend from school stated, “I gave the best blowjobs he ever had and then told my husband he was a very lucky man”.
My husband looked shocked. I was horrified because I just realized that my husband was just told that I give great head, and people at the table experienced it. This man who has been selfless, loving, caring, loyal, and everything else these men were not, had never experienced that with me, even though he wanted to. He never made an issue out of it, he never shamed me, he just ACCEPTED me.
We got into the car after dinner and my husband looks at me and say, “I don’t understand what happened in there, why does everyone think I am getting amazing blowjobs from you?” I didn’t know what to say…. He was silent for about 10 minutes and then said, “you don’t owe me an explanation, but if you want to give me one it would go a long way in me understanding why everyone things you are performing oral on me when you never have.”
That’s when I said it, I told him that what I said was not true about blowjobs and that I have given one to every man I have slept with except him. He appeared socked. He was not angry, but I could see it in his eyes. He said, “So for our whole marriage you have led me to believe that you were not into oral, which I accepted without hesitation. How am I suppose to feel about the fact that my wife has given oral to every man she dated or slept with and lied about it.” I told him I was sorry sobbing and said I want to give you one when we get home. I was hysterical. He looked at me and told me “I don’t want a blowjob from you like this, this isn’t intimacy, I have no idea why you think giving me a blowjob right now would heal the situation”
We have not talked since. He is at work and I don’t know what to do! Please help, how do I repair this. I don’t know why I don’t enjoy blowjobs anymore, and I have def hurt my husband. Help please.
27 comments
I would just admit you lied, don’t try to excuse it and just tell him why you no longer are interested in doing it..people change, because you used to do something doesn’t mean you still have to do it.
What was the purpose of lying about it? What is the real reason?
Your drunken friend from school has ruined the intimate relationship you had with your husband. My wife lied to me about her past. 12 years and 4 children into our marriage the truth came out and it drained the life out of our marriage. We’ve lived for 38 years in a marriage that is like two friends in a business relationship. I have found it difficult to even kiss her all these years. I still love her, but not the same way.
>Please help, how do I repair this.
You need to figure out what your hangup is with blowjobs and why you lied. That might require therapy.
What’s your vision for what you want the future to be? Do you want to get comfortable with blowjobs again?
Just apologize and talk to him. I dont know why you told him that, but you had a reason. Be open and honest with him. He loves you, he might be upset, but open conversation with him will help.
I think it comes down to having a hard talk with him. Explaining your reason for the lie (seeing in the comments that there might be a deeper reason like you’ve experienced it with only jerks and lost interest in it).
I do agree with your husband that you don’t need to do it out of obligation. That’s not intimacy, it should be something you both want that happens naturally. Not something that feels forced or manipulated.
He sounds like an understanding man. I’m sure he will come around to hearing you out. Communication is key here!
>Two days ago we were at a dinner with a bunch of our highschool friends, some that I am still close with. We were all a bit tipsy when our friends started talking about who they were intimate in high school. Then my friend stated, “hey let’s hear about yours.” Then one of my friend from school stated, “I gave the best blowjobs he ever had and then told my husband he was a very lucky man”.
First this isn’t really an inappropriate conversation to begin with. At best it would be awkward. At least IMO, YMMV.
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>That’s when I said it, I told him that what I said was not true about blowjobs and that I have given one to every man I have slept with except him.
Ouch.
>He was not angry, but I could see it in his eyes. He said, “So for our whole marriage you have led me to believe that you were not into oral, which I accepted without hesitation. How am I suppose to feel about the fact that my wife has given oral to every man she dated or slept with and lied about it.” I told him I was sorry sobbing and said I want to give you one when we get home. I was hysterical. He looked at me and told me “I don’t want a blowjob from you like this, this isn’t intimacy, I have no idea why you think giving me a blowjob right now would heal the situation”
This would be pretty devastating since it was based on a lie (only one or two times). He could at least rationalize things if you said that prior BFs made you do it or you ultimately didn’t like it or something like that – but not only did you give every BF oral, you were apparently really good at it.
So before you can fix this the question is, why didn’t you do this with your husband? Did you feel forced to give oral in past relationships? Did you like doing it and then just change your mind abruptly?
IMO, a lie concerning intimacy is a decently large lie. If you told him the truth, I doubt he would have cared (seems like a good guy). But you lied for years and he had to find out from one of your past sexual partners.
Explain to him why you lied and apologize. Then the ball is really in his court. Tbh, I don’t understand why you lied.
You had dinner with someone you dated and they bragged to your husband about getting head from you? What the fuck is wrong with either of you? They need to shut the fuck up and you need to pick your friends better
I have trouble believing this story as no man would say that to another man without expecting some sort of potential physical conflict. You just don’t say things like that about people’s wives.
This seems like a really selfish move on your part. You’ve given so many blowjobs and perfected your routine with lots of other men you’re burned out and can’t even perform oral sex on your husband? So all the past dudes get the goods and your sweet, understanding (obviously) husband gets shit?
Definitely selfish, I’d be pissed as hell and really rethink the relationship
Best thing you can do is schedule time with him. Tell him this is about you sharing fully with him what happened. You aren’t expecting immediate fix but truly owe him the explanation so he both can understand and then have some time to adjust and come back with any questions. You lied. The situation probably made him feel bad to some extent because you had given many others so,etching you said you didn’t want to give him. So you need to explain why for both. And need to assess within yourself why you liked giving head so much in dating but with a man who clearly loves you deeply you don’t. There’s something odd your response to it. My gut reaction is there’s more than just deciding you dislike it because that doesn’t make sense. I’m going to ask you to consider (no need to respond here) whether it was okay with dating guys because it was easy, hot, you could really let inhibitions go, but something changed because it sounds like hubby didn’t get this treatment while dating. Was that change part of what led you to looking for a serious long term relationship?
Couple of things – just be honest (finally.) Answer any question he has with the most accurate and full explanation possible, even if it hurts you or him. Get it all out, open all the locked doors, reveal every nook and cranny. You’ve got a few big problems in front of you right now:
Since you lied, and kept that lie for so long, he now has reason to suspect everything you ever told him as a lie. He has no idea how far this goes, so his mind is running wild with the horrible possibilities this has opened. You need to be ready for him to question shit he’d normally never question, AND that your word is kind of worthless at the moment. THIS is the danger of long term lies.
The specifics of the issue – that you’d do that for every other man than him – is intensely painful for him. That’s nightmare fuel. He now believes that you don’t love or desire him, that he is a meal ticket for you, that you settled for him, that he only exists to service your needs. And if all that is true, then what about your fidelity? If you don’t love or desire him then it makes sense that you are off desiring other men. And that may seems like a stretch, but this is the rabbit hole he is going down.
You need to realize that you have hurt him BADLY. You have emasculated him, almost in public since so many of these other people can speak to your oral prowess, but not him. Now every one of those other men is laughing at him in his mind. They are lording it over him that THEY got the prize from you, not him. He has visions of each of these guys with their dicks in your mouth, and it’s something you wouldn’t do for him. He swallowed his sadness years ago because he loved you and didn’t wan tot pressure you, and now THIS comes out. This is BAD.
How do you fix it? Damn, girl, I don’t know. Putting myself in his shoes…. I’d be devastated. Just fucking ruined. I couldn’t look at you right now. My own marriage is weak for other reasons, so this would be enough for me to divorce you, but I expect I am on the extreme end on that. I suggest, like I said above, complete and aggressive honesty. You need to make him realize he hasn’t been used like a fool all these years (if that’s the truth.) You need to be ready for him to ask the same questions over and over, looking for inconsistencies, interrogating you because he can’t trust you. You need to be ready to accept some anger and a coldness from him, because you are not his safe space anymore. Maybe look up resources for marriages affected by infidelity. You didn’t cheat on him (hopefully), but this will land in an adjacent place in his mind.
Good luck.
I mean yeah you hurt him. You lied about intimacy and from his perspective took advantage of his acceptance. To stress a point, this is the kind of thing that builds resentment and can kill a relationship or exacerbate problems to the point where it becomes unsalvageable
This… is pretty complicated and honestly advice from reddit may not be the way to go. You’re going to get people who are giving it a best effort, but don’t know your husband. He’s clearly hurt, he’s reevaluating everything through a lens of you lying.
Best I can give you is a framework for a response.
You need to stop that from happening, be it through open honest conversation, interpretive dance, idfk, but you need him to stop that train of thought because it’s hard once it gets going.
Trust is hard to restore once lost, unfortunately you let someone else drive the narrative, now your husband has an image of you that’s worse than if you’d just said it yourself. He’s going to be asking, “What do these men have that I don’t?”
Now that’s not the case, you just don’t want to do the act anymore *which is 1000% fine* but that’s not what was told and that’s not what he’s thinking. If you go at it with a, “You’re being too sensitive” or “Get over it” it’s going to be messy.
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Ultimately I wish you luck in mitigating the damage done here.
Get your shit straight.
First you tell him you never really liked giving them, then in your last paragraph you wonder why you don’t enjoy them now.
Which is it?
Also you went on and on about how wonderful a dude he is, but you didn’t mention a thing about how things are in the bedroom.
Pretty telling, in my opinion.
You really goofed. You owe him an explanation as to why you lied to him all these years. You should also suck him off like he’s got the antidote or this will gnaw at him and your marriage for the foreseeable future.
You should tell him what you are telling Reddit. What a shitty friend to reveal something so intimate to others and your husband. That doesn’t sound like anyone you should spend time with. I also understand why blowjobs were no longer appealing if types like that were at the receiving end.
You now have something much harder to repair and that’s your intimacy and not being fully truthful. Your husband sounds like a good man so forgiveness will come. It’s understandable why you didn’t want to share something you weren’t proud of at the time either. Don’t be so hard on yourself just work to repair what broke.
No actual friend would chat about that with your husband. ‘Praising’ is still rude and hugely disrespectful. You lying about it and sharing blowjobs with everyone but your husband just seems like a shitty move. Not because of the blowjobs themselves but because you are supposed to be most intimate and sharing with your spouse and you’d rather have special memories or whatever outside of your marriage. Good luck recovering from years of dishonesty and whatever weird thing led to you reserving certain level of intimacy for those that were not your husband.
Ok.. that’s crazy awkward. If you don’t have an actual reason for not giving head? I can’t imagine how that feels for your husband. He has to feel totally rejected or like you don’t like his penis for some reason. Oh my gosh. First of all, why the heck would you not if you literally gave head to everyone else you’ve been with? Like I love giving head to my husband because I think it’s hot how much he loves it. It’s an act of service and love to my husband. And lord knows I want him to get down on me. Why would I deny him that intimacy? It sounds like he’s been incredibly understanding… but I know lack of oral is a huge issue for men and one I think that is easily remedied.
How you fix it? Maybe write him a letter or email. Since talking right now is super awkward… you really need to figure out why you lied and denied him that experience when you apparently have him hanging out with ppl who know exactly what you’re capable of. It’s going to require some serious apologizing. And then you’ll have to wait. Wait for him to let you in again. Try making out with him, give him those good passionate kisses, make him feel desired and then flipping go down on him. And I wouldn’t stop trying to go down on him until he let you.
The answer may just be “I’m sorry I was so selfish. I decided it was easier to lie than to tell you I just really didn’t want to have to give blowjobs all the time. I should have known better. I should have realized how understanding you are and I’m sorry that I ever made you feel less or like I didn’t want you. I do want you. And I want to please you. And if you’ll give me the chance I would love to work oral into our sex life in a natural way where it’s not demanded but part of a healthy sexual exchange.”
I mean I could get it if you were being told to give head all the freaking time, but in a marriage oral is just part of a variety of sexual experiences you should be exchanging and exploring. It should be a buffet. I wouldn’t withhold pleasuring my husband because I didn’t feel like it. And maybe reframe it in your mind. Your perspective could shift from blah I’m sick of having to do these to “I can’t wait to blow my husbands mind and make his toes curl. He’s gonna be thinking about me all day at work.”
I have nothing to add other than you have the most mature and amazing husband ever. Wow.
When you keep a guilty secret, you need to be prepared to deal with the fallout if that secret is revealed. What can you do except apologize, do damage control, and try to move past it. It doesn’t sound like he has had time to process it or decide how he wants to respond to it, but there’s no use being frantic about it in the meantime.
And now you are phrasing this as an issue with you not giving oral when the actual problem is you lying to your husband for years. Even if you got him drunk and went to town tonight it will not solve anything, so drop the whole blowjob part of the story.
You have lied for years, and now you have to apologize, explain, and spend years rebuilding trust.
Well, there no bigger giveaway then telling everyone this is a throwaway account & then stating your husband is also a reddit user.
It’s not up to you anymore. It’s up to him whether he can get past the fact that you are not who he thought you were and whether he can stay with you for who you are now. But I can promise you he is not in a good place right now and it will take some serious time to get over. Also if I were you I would not even mention the word blowjob for a very long time or until he brings it up. Right now that word will only remind him of the lie and the pain he is feeling.
Yeah a guilty blowjob would just be sad and depressing – wouldn’t take care of the core issue of deception either. Through having something intimate with every one of your partners but the one you’re taking for life, you’ve also implied that your husband isn’t worth it but your exes were. Maybe one at some future point might help assure him that isn’t the case.
Ok but why haven’t you given your husband a head? What’s stopped you all these years?
Wait…we have ushers?