Overall, my mom (F53) and I (F21) have a pretty good relationship. I’ve moved back home for the time being because I’m saving to study abroad in the future. I live in their condo and they have a house they live in, but come and visit me almost every weekend.
During the weekend my mom wants to take me out to lunch and talk, she loves talking about other people and she will be very interested in my life. To be honest it gets a little intense sometimes and I feel like my mom wants to be my ultimate bff (she doesn’t really have any friends) and she will get super stressed if I don’t show her the same.
Don’t get me wrong, my mom is a great person. She stayed at home making sure we got through school, but it was never easy. She was always super strict and wanted to be involved in everything we did.
However, this morning I’m helping my dad get our boat out of the water, and my mom suddenly gets super angry, almost yelling and my dad is annoyed back asking her what’s wrong. She says it’s not him, but she can’t understand what my problem is because I’m “acting cold and giving the cold shoulder”.
At this point I’m super confused. She says “Im so tired of this, I’ve done this for two years and I’m just going to STAY AWAY”. I have no idea where she got the two years from, I’ve been living away from home.
I have to admit, I told my dad that things were getting intense because I feel like Im around them a lot and my mom just gets too worried about my life and wants to know all my personal stuff. I wanted some distance because my mom was literally up in my face all morning and since last night.
I can hear her crying in the bathroom and sighing every two seconds right now. I’m super shocked but also I’m not happy about this. I’m too old for this, Im an adult and it feels like I’m fourteen years old and my mom is screaming to me about having a boyfriend. She means well, but holy crap. Lol.
Any advice would be great.
TDLR: my mom (F53) got angry at me (F21) this morning and saying Im giving her the cold shoulder. I live at home currently and my mom and I have been spending A LOT of time together and Im feeling a bit worn out so I’ve kept my distance. Now she is very mad at me. I need advice and to know if this is normal.
6 comments
This is not normal, and I find it worrisome that you feel like you’re fourteen, because my immediate reaction was that your mother was treating you like you were the parent and she is the child. She is trying to use you for emotional support and making you responsible for her emotional needs. That’s a form of child abuse, but one that can be done without malice. It’s more out of her own weakness and flaws. You say she doesn’t really have friends, and that is likely a huge part of it. She doesn’t have a proper adult support system and is trying to have you and probably also her husband make up for an entire social support system, which is an unfair burden on both of you, but worse to do to a child of hers. There isn’t that much you can really do about it, unless she is open to suggestions such as getting therapy and getting out and making friends now that you aren’t a child who needs a ton of her time. You can set boundaries with her. You could consider family counseling if she’s open to it. You can try to recognize that this is probably borne of significant loneliness and lack of ability to cope with life rather than anything about you, which may help you cope with it emotionally.
Look up parentification and covert incest.
She is enmeshed on to you, and it appears she has been for many years.
You’ve done nothing wrong, but I would encourage you to meet with a therapist, because this is a symptom of a larger web of crazy that you need to be disentangled from.
I would move out if she dosent see reason.
Idk this sounds like a normal family transition in a way. OP, I think it’s time (not today that is) to sit down and talk to your mom. Like have a true heart to heart and talk about how you’re 21 now and not 16. Your relationship is changing and I don’t think she’s ready. Are you their only kid? It just sounds like she’s having problems with being empty nesters.
I know you said you’re trying to save up money to move abroad, but it may also be time to look at getting a place of your own too. When you’re not paying rent/expenses , it’s so easy to slip into chill mode. (Talking from experience!) by staying at their condo, you may be leaving a door open for them to parent you instead of having an adult child/parent relationship.
Best thing I would recommend is that if you’re still at the house, go home. Leave your mom’s general area and let your dad and her talk. Then next week sometime when things die down, take her out to get coffee or lunch and have a heart to heart talk.
Not normal. Your mom is acting like a little kid. If I were in your shoes, I’d write my mom a letter. I’d use a letter because I am not willing to be yelled at nor will I tolerate an adult in their 50s throwing a tantrum like your mom is presently.
“Mom, I love you. I was very surprised by your outburst on (day). It seemed to come out of nowhere. I wish you had spoken to me long before this became an explosive issue for you.”
“I want us to have a healthy dynamic and a good relationship. If you choose to approach conflict by bottling your emotions up until you explode on me, I won’t play along with the screaming.”
“There are many ways you could’ve approached this issue in a diplomatic way. We could have sat down and had a talk. You could have expressed that you feel I am being distant, and present your evidence as to why. You could’ve written me a letter if it was hard to talk about. I would have listened. I would have cared. Instead you chose to blow up at me.”
“I love you. I always have. I always will. You are my mom. No one can replace our bond. I do not have feelings of coldness towards you. You want to be friends with me, as well as being my mom. Friends are equals. Friends can’t always be present for each other 24/7. Friends have their own independent lives. So if you want me as a friend, treat me as one.”
Remember this, OP… You are 21 and she is 53. She has 31 more years of adult life experience. It is her duty, her obligation, her job to be the more emotionally mature and responsible person as your parent. She is presently failing in that duty. That’s not your fault – it’s hers.
It is deeply frustrating when, as adult children, we realize we’ve outgrown our parents’ emotional maturity level. I’m sorry you had to have that happen at such a young age.
My mom used to throw tantrums. I hated it, HATED it. I eventually got completely fed up with her shit and said some version of the above. I made it clear, no more games. No more drama. If you wanna join me at the adult table and diplomatically address our conflicts, you’re extremely welcome there. I’m not getting filthy in the mud slinging pit anymore.
My mom and I manage to resolve conflicts with much more ease these days. To her credit, my mom heard me and worked on her behaviour.
Mom needs professional help. This is not your issue to solve.