(This is my first post so I’m sorry if the formatting is bad)
My husband of 4 months spends more time online than talking to me. We have been together for about 6 years and in the past year I noticed him gaming more and more. Now, he is constantly connected to his computer and most of the time playing video games with his friends. He gets home from work about an hour before me, and by the time I get home he is fully invested in his video games. I have nothing against him playing online games. In fact I’m sure it can be very fun and interesting. However, the amount of time he spends on these games is driving a wedge between us.
He typically spends 6 hours every evening playing games with his friends. He gets done with work sooner and by the time I get home from work he’s deep in a battle. If I attempt to ask him about his day I’m typically met with an annoyed response like “I’m in the middle of something”. I’ve given up trying to start a conversation when he’s on his computer. He doesn’t like if I interrupt him ever because he has to take off his headphones which distracts him. It has gotten to the point where I wait for him to get up to go to the bathroom to ask a question like “did you feed the cat?”
I have talked to him about it a few weeks ago and he seemed like he understood how I felt, but nothing changed. I’ve tried playing games with him but he always ends up in a chat room with his friends so it’s not really a bonding activity at that point. If I do get him to take a break and spend time with me, he just sits on his phone and watches gaming videos on YouTube. I get so defeated I just tell him to go back to his game (to which he immediately does).
When we are doing something together I feel like he’s bored and just wants to get back to his computer. It’s worse on weekends. He starts gaming Friday around 5 pm and is on for 8 to 12 hours at a time until Sunday night. He doesn’t even shower and will eat whatever’s quick so he doesn’t miss anything online. I haven’t told my friends about this because honestly I’m embarrassed about it.
I don’t even know what to do. I don’t even know what to talk to him about because he doesn’t seem interested in me. He doesn’t even seem to want sex at this point. I have gone so far as to ask him if he wants to be married and he always turns it around with “why would you even say that, what are you talking about?” It makes me feel like I’m overreacting and I immediately apologize.
I guess I’m looking for advice from anyone who has experienced something like this. I just want to have my husband back. He is my best friend and I miss when we used to talk for hours and laugh and do things together. If he and I can’t find a compromise I don’t think we will last. I appreciate any ideas on moving forward.
TL;DR- My husband would rather play video games than talk or hangout with me.
19 comments
Tell him you want to divorce. You don’t have a life together and this is not what youwere looking for when you married him. It might give him an awakening or something. This can’t go on.
You’re not overacting, your husband is completely checked out of the relationship.
Your question about him wanting to be married is valid. When he asks what you’re talking about, you can tell him that he spends all of his free time glued to his computer gaming and no time actually connecting with you.
You’re allowed to want a husband who actually wants to sit and talk to you. Gaming is a habit when done in moderation. He’s completely addicted and you are not mean for saying that it is negatively affecting your view of the relationship.
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I would avoid criticizing the gaming directly – it will likely make him defensive. Instead, focus on what you need from the relationship that you’re not getting. You want to spend quality time together. That would be the same if he spent all his time making clarinets or something.
Communicate what you need, and see if he’s willing to work with you on solving the issue. Make it clear that this is an existential problem to your marriage.
>I haven’t told my friends about this because honestly I’m embarrassed about it.
You should tell them so that you have support. If I were your friend, I would want to help you.
Time to have a conversation, not about video gaming, but about your unhappiness and incompatibility. He needs to know that his lack of interest in spending time with you is interfering with the marriage and your happiness. He is making his choice and you will need to make yours
He’s addicted to gaming and needs to see a psychologist.
I can see both sides of this. As an emotional person who wants to feel loved, I can totally see your side and how his behavior makes you feel like he doesn’t care. As a gamer and autistic person who gets super into my special interests, I can also totally see his side of being super fixated on a game to the point where the rest of the world disappears.
Chances are it’s not that he doesn’t enjoy being around you, just his game is commanding all of his attention. I would sit down and talk to him and explain your feelings, but not in a way of assuming he doesn’t care or asking if he still wants to be married. Use the “When you do *x*, I feel *y*” format. Communicate to him things that he could do to make you feel special and loved.
It might also help to do activities together that involve getting out of the house and away from the computer, like going for a hike outdoors or working out together. You could explore your existing mutual interests or do try something new. My husband and I both love gaming which we mostly do separately because we like different games, but we enjoy hiking, paddleboarding, going out to eat, going to arcades, bowling, playing pool, and hanging out with our IRL friends. I like doing stuff like that with him because it’s more interactive than just watching a movie or show together.
Your husband is an addict. That means you are at second place, at best, in his life. He likes the thought of having a wife, but has no fucking clue to what that entails.
Why did you marry him? Do the two of you even talk? Like, at all in a way that makes a difference? You say he “understood” in one talk but he made no changes. What does that tell you?
I’m sorry but for this marriage to survive there needs to be a blow up of sorts. When he’s away, take his gaming gear and hide it. He’ll throw a fit like you’ve never seen, so be sure to have someone there with you. Do NOT do this alone, you’re in dangerous territory.
Then, if he agrees to talk, talk and require therapy. If he tries to hurt you, divorce immediately.
Your husband spending the bare minimum of time with you and then acting hurt when you try to talk about it is so unfair and he is in no way being as considerate to you as you are clearly being to him.
I see above you agree you’re going to talk to him again, make it more about your feelings (which he should care about!) and less about his gaming. I see you’re also considering telling your friends. Please do both of these things, you are asking for something so reasonable, and he is being selfish. Maybe something else is going on, he’s stressed or something, but its irrelevant if he wont even talk to you.
If nothing changes, I think you should start considering options for taking a break from him. As in, is there anyone you could stay with for a while? He needs to understand how serious this is.
All the best x
He is an addict and addicts are very good at manipulation. He is hurt? You are the one who’s being left high and dry. He doesn’t see a problem? Of course not, he is living the life he wants.
You are not on his list but it is nothing about you. You are fine the way you are. Sad for you.
I think even though you appear not to be the problem in this you should suggest couples counseling. Even though he is checked out, he is unaware he is checked out.
He does not understand what marriage is and I am suprised this did not come up before.
Definitely do not make any big life plans like having a child until you can resolve this one way or another.
And give yourself, not him a deadline. Ask yourself how long this is something you can tolerate and what you want to do if he does not change.
As someone who has, at times, struggled with feeling addicted to gaming… it’s hard. And if he isn’t recognizing what’s happening it’s harder. For me, gaming can be a way to disassociate. If I’m feeling depressed, or anxious, disappearing into games is an escape. Not exactly healthy, especially when the time disappears on you.
The question is whether he is interested in making changes. It sounds like he isn’t. It sounds like you’ve told him flat out and nothing changes. The most worrying thing to me is his dismissive attitude towards you. Like, even at my worst, I still like hanging out with people! Of course, I don’t play with other people, so he’s getting that needed socialization that I don’t when gaming.
All I can suggest is having another talk, and this time when he acts confused or says “what are you talking about”, Do. Not. Apologize. You have nothing to apologize for Tell him what you’re talking about. Tell him you feel neglected and isolated, that he spends every free second gaming, your sex life is vanishing, and you’re reaching the end of your rope. Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t, but he has to hear it if there’s any chance of making a real, lasting change.
This sounds exactly like my first long term partner 🙁 I let it go on too long. I broke up with him and moved out and that’s when it became real to him and he started making an effort but it was too late for me.
You may want to try the moving out part, and not the breaking up part, to see if that helps him see what he’s losing. Bonus: if it applies… you’ll stop feeling so alone, even when you’re “with” him, and the gd dishes will be done. It might be too late already and you’ll decide to make the separation permanent; but if you keep waiting for him to get his act together before you take some space, it will do the long term damage you’re afraid of.
Above all everyone is telling you, I am happy that you are concerned not just for him but of your relationship. You fully support his gaming 100% and he just needs to know this.
I have been married for 4 years, and been with my wife for 7 years before we got married. I too am a gamer and at many years, I have been on the same boat as your husband and my wife been yours. This is the best tip I can give you:
Talk to him. Tell him you fully support him gaming 100%. But he also needs to realize that there is gaming life, then there is house life. I don’t know what he’s playing but it seems that a lot of time needs to be invested in it, and certain things needs to be done at certain days (schedules). You and him need to find a balance and he needs to sacrifice (make compromises) for a YOU time. But he needs to be willing and he needs to hear it from you.
If he does make the time for you, EVERYTHING needs to be just you and him. No thought about anything else but you and him. I’ve been there. I would spend time with my wife but my mind wasn’t in the right place (in a gaming place) and this sucks even more. Because now you both feel like you’re forced.
Compromise. It’s the only way it will work. But it needs to be an open communication. I wish you luck.
I dated a guy like this. Everything was great in the beginning and then he started getting invested in MMORPGs, joined a guild, and made friends on Discord. One of these people was a girl that he talk to almost daily. Even put Discord and Skype on his phone so when me and him were out, he’d still get to talk to her. He would also hop on his PC as soon as he got home from work and he’d be up for hours at night playing (mainly with her). Weekends were the same, didn’t shower and would be glued to his computer. The only time we spent together was eating lunch and/or dinner, and some random Saturdays we’d go visit his parents. I remember one time I wanted to go out and spend time away from the apartment. We got lunch, and after he was like “can we go home?” And yep, soon as we got back he went right on the computer. But he had no issue with going out to the bar with his friends every Friday night.
He ended up breaking up with me, which I should’ve seen from miles away but I’m always too hopeful about things working out. And it has nothing to do with the online girl, but a girl that he met at work. He didn’t make things public with her until after I moved out.. I felt so stupid for not seeing that sooner. But that was 5 years ago. I’ve since been with someone who actually gives me the time of day without me begging for it. If you’re husband isn’t open to therapy or trying to make things work out, maybe it’s time to move on.
He is addicted to gaming. Anyone here telling you not to focus on the gaming doesn’t understand addiction. That’s like sitting an alcoholic down and not focusing on the drinking.
Every one has their vices. When dating, didn’t he game then too? I’m not going to say what’s a fair amount of hours to game. Is he bore with the relationship between you two..I don’t think so, but he’s in a state of mind that you’ll take care of everything else since he worked during the day. I spend a lot of hours playing video games after work. I also cook (sometimes), do dishes during my breaks when working (so it’s only what was used for dinner that needs cleaned), pay bills, and etc. What annoys me,is that gf does talk to me about anything outside of me spending money. She rather talk to her guy pals and gfs via texting or Facebook. She makes no real attempt at working, and the house gets cleaned 1 day a week, even though I like it to be cleaned at least 3 days a week. She stays in the bedroom about 50% of the time and the other 40% is taking the car and disappearing for hours. 10% between cleaning and spending money She doesn’t earn. This is leading to resentment from me and even told her I don’t want to be with some one who treats me like a money bag then she gets angry when I tell her I’m not spending any money unless it’s bills related.my advice to you,, if you want this to work, either be part of his hobby, and get him involved in one of yours..communicate your feelings, talk about things (any thing), schedule time to do something together like take a cooking class or something. Otherwise, you or him is going to start entertaining others who give you the attention your seeking. Might start off innocence, could lead to more problems. Just my two cents.
Get home before him and hide the game and see what happens.