Background: We have been dating almost 3 years. The first year was long distance. The past 2 years, I moved in with him several states away from my home.
We originally began discussing marriage seriously about a year ago. At the time, he said he wasn’t ready. While that hurt, we hadn’t been living together for long. At this point, we’ve been living together for almost 2 years. He said he still doesn’t know if he is ready.
I’m really hurt by this. I know that he loves me & cares about me, but I really want to be married to him. I feel like I’ve done everything that I can to show him that I love him. I wish he would do this. I know that marriage is a huge commitment & I don’t want to rush him, but I also want to be with someone that wants me as much as I want them.
Does anyone have any advice? I’ve been playing mental ping pong all day over this.
TL; DR: Boyfriend isn’t ready for marriage after 3 years. Girlfriend is ready.
6 comments
> I don’t want to rush him, but I also want to be with someone that wants me as much as I want them.
Two opposing views that are incompatible with him imo.
As somebody who ex wife rushed to married and guilt trip me about everything about our wedding because was not what she wanted, i can say that if he doesn’t want to is because of a heavy reason.Could be money , could be stability or that they are something not so sure about yourself as her wife .So is better to ask directly Why he doesn’t feel ready to see if you can accept or let it go because this is definitely a deal breaker.
He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want the same thing you want. Stop trying to change his mind and ask yourself if you can stay with him without the commitment of marriage. If you truly want someone that wants you as much as you want them, move on and find that person.
You are trying to rush him and that rarely results in a happy marriage.
You’re in a hard spot, and one I think a lot of people experience in long-term relationships. It seems like a major question is whether you wait longer on him or not, and I think you’ll want to know not (only) whether he loves you enough, but whether you are both imagining the same future. Do you each want the same things out of life? Do you each feel the same way about children? Do you each feel the same way about marriage? Where do you want to live, in 5/10/20 years? How do you want to live — what do you want your day-to-day lives to look like, in 5/10/20 years? How do you want to arrange your financial futures? Marriage is about two people who both want each other, but it’s actually more about two people who are in agreement about the life they want to build together. Not that you have to agree on every point, but your thoughts should be pointed in the same directions. If you’re not in alignment, there’s no point in waiting. If you are in alignment, then you might want to give yourself a deadline for how long you’ll give him to decide that he has enough information to choose you back.
You’re 24 and only have had this relationship for 3 years, yet you want to marry him? To me, a 23 y/o guy, that’s way too short a time and way too young. You gotta slow down super hard there.
Literally no one in their 20’s listens to this advice (myself included) but *nobody* is ready for marriage until they are at least 30. Even then, we make marriage so much more of a big deal than it really deserves to be.
Try to worry less about love being about commitment and instead focus on the fact that it’s really about mutual respect and undying loyalty towards each other. Commitment follows those two things and you don’t need a ring to prove it.