Red flag from the start. I had trouble saying “I love you” when she admitted it to me a year into our relationship. Then, the more I said it, the more I believed it.
Our adventures together are beyond count and description and we still have fun together all the time. When she became despondent around year 7, I Iet her know this was not okay. She got better and then the tables turned soon after and then I wasn’t holding up my end. We cried, gripped each other. I told her if this was the end, I wouldn’t regret a single day of the last 9 years. And I meant it. She’s my best friend. We’re both dreamers chasing career goals only one in a million achieve and understand our support for each other really helps us push through the bad times, but honestly we’re both making progress! I bought a house for us and we moved 12 years of life together into it as if this really is it, the place and people before which all else unfolds.
And here I am, contemplating lighting it all on fire, completely blindsiding her, all because I fooled myself into thinking I loved her, rather than someone I was sexually and emotionally attracted to but ultimately saw as a worthwhile adventure that would come to an end someday once we had gained all we could from each other.
You ever watch something download and it hangs on 99% forever only for the program to crash and be left with nothing? That’s what this feels like.
What kind of asshole does this to someone? What kind of idiot takes this long to realize what’s happening?
I’m an adult. I know this can’t remain a secret. She’s so happy right now, and I am naturally very cheery, if not completely carefree person, it’s hard to imagine ending this when by most accounts things are better than ever.
She’s not the kind of person who will find someone else easily, but that can’t be my concern. I’ve broken the first rule which is being honest about our intentions and my only defense is that I was never honest with myself.
I think I will need therapy after this whether or not I go through with it. My guess is she will too. I wonder if that will be couple’s therapy or if that ship has already sailed too. Maybe it never came to port in the first place.
TLDR; I thought I loved my gf as a lover for the longes time, 16 years. Turns out I just loved her as a best friend and sexual partner. She loves me. Do I end it or is this what love is?
3 comments
You appear to be romanticizing a would be breakup. I urge couples therapy.
I don’t think anyone on reddit can help you untangle this. I’d suggest individual counseling for you. If you’re dead set on breaking up your therapist can help you answer some questions for yourself.
Why were you attracted to a “project”?
What made you stay so long?
Are you sure you’re not having a midlife crisis?
Etc.
>I fooled myself into thinking I loved her, rather than someone I was sexually and emotionally attracted to but ultimately saw as a worthwhile adventure that would come to an end someday once we had gained all we could from each other.
If I’m reading this correctly, you don’t feel a sexual/emotional attraction to her. If sex and emotional intimacy are important to you or you want to pursue those things more completely, then of course you have to end things with her.
But, relationships take all shapes and sizes and what you prioritize when you’re 21 won’t necessarily be what you prioritize at 37. The part of this that seems to be missing is whether anything could change that would alter your sexual or emotional connection to her. You talk about it as if its an impossibility, but you have been with this woman for 16 years, so surely you know her pretty well by now. Is there something you need she won’t or can’t give?
If you are ending things, be able to articulate that impasse so that she is not left wondering why you’re pulling the plug without at least trying to fix/improve things before you do.