My girlfriend has depression and goes into periodic episodes where she feels like our friends don’t like her, feels excluded, feels like a burden, classic depressive stuff. We share a close friend group. She’s very private about her struggles and it makes her uncomfortable to share things about herself. This sometimes causes tension / misunderstanding with friends — like if we cancel on hanging out or if she stays in her room when people come over. I wish our friends just knew that she has major depression and that when things like this happen, that’s why — I know they would understand, and I think it would help her feel supported. It would also ensure people didn’t get upset, and ensure they responded with understanding and kindness instead of getting annoyed/asking questions/assuming there is another underlying reason and starting drama and making it worse. I feel stuck when I’m asked not to share anything — though I do wish our friends would just “get it”. To me, it’s really obvious, but they seem to be oblivious.
What do I do in this situation — it’s important to me that I respect my gf’s privacy and don’t betray her trust, but I don’t want to let unnecessary drama/tension unfold because our friends are kept in the dark.
Tl:dr gf is private about her struggles with depression and our friends don’t know / don’t understand, and it’s causing drama/tension. How do I manage things without betraying her trust / right to privacy?
1 comment
I’m sorry this is happening, I have suffered from depression myself and understand the paranoia around her feeling people won’t like her, or that she will be considered a “downer”.
The thing is, her depression is not for you to manage. Of course you can show compassion and support, but if she is not already she should be managing this herself, with therapy and, if necessary, medication.
I see where you feel stuck. But why do you have to cancel plans with friends? You can still go alone.
She does have the right for her condition to be kept private, but she does not have the right to ask you to outright lie, and you should tell her that. So find a balance, maybe. If your friends ask why she is staying in her room, just say she’s feeling like a night to herself or something. If they push, just tell them you are not her keeper. They don’t have the right to “start drama” either. They need to respect her choice to keep to herself if that’s what she wants. Your relationship, and how she spends her time, is not their business, even if they mean well.
I do think you should not assume you have to cancel plans if she doesn’t want to go. You shouldn’t be staying home to be her caretaker, if that’s what’s happening. That’s not your role. You can only decide how you live your own life, and you should live it. Be kind to her, but don’t give up all of your time with friends.