The issue is basically as the title states.
There’s a whole idiotic history with my boyfriend and his ex girlfriend but the short of it is that they were dating for a few years in their mid-twenties and they were both immature, incompatible, and disrespectful to each other.
They broke up on bad terms and my boyfriend sought to be his ex’s friend and worked hard to regain her trust or something, but she was verbally and emotionally abusive and made her friends and family attack him on more than one occasion. Despite this, my boyfriend claimed that he needed to still be there for his ex as a friend and for physical support to help her move things (I don’t know if she was disabled or something, but that’s just how he phrased it).
Maybe I’m just here to vent because ultimately, I’m still confused on whether or not I want to date him but this issue has literally been plaguing us for the entirety of our 1.5 year relationship, maybe I should just end it. He claims that I’m wonderful and a great partner for him, but does it matter if he’s still hung up on his piece of shit ex?
I’m pissed off at both of them – him for being unable to move on, and her for lashing out at him and then getting her friend to berate my boyfriend for being in another relationship TWO YEARS AFTER THEY BROKE UP. My boyfriend still doesn’t understand how disrespectful this woman has been to both him and his relationship. He literally defended her actions being like, “she was respectful when I told her I was dating you.”
Anyway, he told me that he found out she was in a new relationship and he reacted out of jealousy and apologized to her for being such a bad boyfriend to her. It’s like he doesn’t see that he’s being a shitty boyfriend to me.
I’m so so so mad and livid and what’s worse is I’m on vacation to see him because we’re long distance and so I’m stuck not being able to get away or be alone to process my thoughts. Maybe I’m being irrational though. I can’t tell if being jealous your ex is in a new relationship is a red flag. How do I manage my anger in a healthy way?
Tldr: my boyfriend cares more about what his ex thinks about him than my feelings.
5 comments
this is a huge red flag he’s prioritizing his ex and her feelings over yours and you say this has been happening for the whole relationship ? how much longer until he realizes she isn’t worth it ? how much longer until he puts you first ? do you wanna keep questioning the role you play in his life ?
Has he been through any sort of therapy to deal with his trauma?
The fact that he acted out in jealousy towards his ex when she started dating someone sounds like he is definitely not over her. I would expect that behaviour from someone that was more recently broken up…not over 1.5 years later.
As for her being respectful.. I don’t believe getting a friend to berate him for being in a relationship is respectful. Very contradicting.
In my opinion, I don’t think he is ready to be in another relationship until he works through his residual feelings and moves on properly. You deserve someone who prioritises and respects your feelings and their relationship with you – not someone stuck in the past.
Ultimately, I find talking things through and having open discussions about how his actions have impacted you/your feelings to be the best way to manage anger. Anger won’t diffuse until you tackle the source of it – and your source isn’t something that will resolve on its own.
You say you are visiting him from a LDR you have had with him? Being this is going On, He may not be able to be as close to you but still to her because you are NOT AROUND like she is and he cannot and has not moved on from her. This is the way I see it and Yes, He is hung up on her because his heart has not moved on. You decide……
The fact he is still attached and defending his abusive ex is extremely red flaggish, it sounds mostly like he has experienced a trauma bond and really should be dealing with this on his own before committing to you
OR
have you considered the possibility that your BF is more toxic than you realize? tbh it doesn’t sound like this is case but just on the odd chance this man is a master manipulator.
It’s weird to be that this person doesn’t register that this situation has negatively impacted you and that to me speaks to hesitation and concern either way