How to nicely ask about no kids very early on, ideally in a fun way

24 comments

1. In every conversation, find a way to bring up Disneyland and then say, “I want to go to Disneyland every year to remind myself why I don’t want kids.” 😂

   Or really, if you’re talking about almost anything, find a way to use it to explain you don’t want kids…

   “Oh, I love that (bar, club, sporting event, vacation spot)! Since I don’t want kids, I expect to do that for quite some time!” Or something similar… You’d obviously be able to word it better in the moment, but I think it would be fairly easy to slide into conversation.

2. Tinder doesn’t have this option? Hinge and bumble definitely do. I come across several men’s profiles that say don’t want children and I know we won’t be a match. But it is frustrating when it’s clear that some people don’t seem to actually read profiles, I find that with a lot of men as well. I also think maybe you get women who read your profile but think they’re going to change your mind which is a terrible way to go into dating someone.

   Honestly, if you’re unsure whether or not they want kids I would just ask right off the bat. Weed them out early.

3. I would say don’t use tinder primarily as it’s reputation is not for a long term connection.

4. I’m on hinge and one thing I like is that there’s a filter for have kids, want kids or don’t want kids. I have kids myself so I normally just ask the person I’m chatting with if they have any. In my opinion there’s nothing wrong with asking. No point in wasting your time or there’s.

5. When you ask them out and they say yes. Just quickly mention that: “Oh hey I don’t know if you’ve read my bio but I just want to make it sure that you saw that I am childfree. I know a lot of women are not into that so I just want to be upfront about it in case this is a deal breaker for you”. If they still want to see you then that’s great. If not you will have your answer.

6. Finding a way to make it in to a conversation you’re already having. Like today I’m really sick with a head cold in bed. I would say “man this head cold is kicking my ass. Thank god I don’t have children I would have to take care of too, while feeling like this. I could barely take care of the dogs today!” Giving specific reasons helps, I think. I’m 35F so I’ve learned ways to incorporate that in to conversation, when dating someone.

7. I’ve been out of the OLD game at least a year but am I crazy or isn’t there an option for specifying where you stand on kids on both Tinder and Hinge?

   I find that being 100% clear on this and other important issues will not be off-putting to like-minded people.

8. There are a few dating sites that offer this option. I also believe in being upfront about this early on or include as part of your profile. Just my opinion.

9. >How can I ask about this as early as practical, without being too abrupt or turning away a potential match who might be fine with other avenues for love and fun instead of kids (friends, community, travel etc), but mis-judging me as avoiding responsibility or whatnot because I’m child-free?

   I would assume that the overlap between “would be fine without having kids” and “believes that being child-free is inherently irresponsible” is pretty damn small.

   >For a while I had in my bio that I seek a DINK lifestyle, hoping that would perk their curiosity and they’d ask what DINK meant (Googling it has apparently never happened). Nobody asked.

   Forgive me if this is an obvious question, but have you tried “Childfree and looking for the same”?

10. Keep in mind survivorship bias: your bio’s probably working at filtering out a good portion of folks who have/want kids, you just don’t notice because your bio succeeded in getting them to swipe left.

    For the ones that still do, does it have to be flirtatious or engaging? I’d just be straight. If you want to make sure they don’t think it’s just because you’re lazy/avoiding responsibility, maybe comment on your volunteerism (presuming) or other evidence of responsibility shortly after.

11. I write in my profile that I don’t want kids and looking for someone who also doesn’t want kids. Nobody seems to read this. 😫

    After being asked out (I’m a woman) I just bring up that I do not want kids and if that’s a deal breaker, I don’t want to waste their time.

12. I put ‘Not looking for anything too serious unless your looking to be childfree 😉’

    This has cut down my match rate by at least 80% however I’m still finding it awkward with those surviving matches double checking they’ve seen this. Very serious question to be asking a few days in and trying to come across flirty and not boring/weird.

13. ?? Just ask. I don’t get what the problem is? wtf?

14. I just ask directly,I don’t see the problem. It’s obviously something very important to know in a dating situation.

    All the men I’ve asked have responded kindly, no big deal.

15. Juts say it in your profile, it’s not rocket science.

16. I’m on Bumble and Tinder: on both I put I am childfree, that I am not interested in dating men who have or want kids.

    Does this work? No not really I still end up matching with someone who has kids or am swiped by those with kids 🙄

17. I put in my Tinder profile “Looking someone long term to co-parent a dog with 🐕”

    I hope they get the hint! If not, I usually bring it up on date 1 or 2.

    Edit: [Please see my previous question on this topic.](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/x3gwnp/how_to_say_you_dont_want_kids_without_saying_you/)

18. Have any crotch goblins or pet sperm?

19. > hoping that would perk their curiosity and they’d ask what DINK meant (Googling it has apparently never happened). Nobody asked.

    Why would you try to “perk their curiosity”?? Just write in your bio “I do not have kids and don’t want any”.

    I don’t see why you would need to ask about their stance on kids in a “flirtatious” manner. It’s an important question.

20. put it in your profile .. when you are doing the about me ..

    doesn’t want kids . looking for like minded woman. done .

21. Living in California is expensive enough. Add in kids and it’s Extreme game mode.
    It’s not the most fun topic but I think stating/reaffirming it before meeting up is reasonable and definitely saves time and energy for both party. Also shows that you’re upfront about your boundaries and expectations.

22. Female, 40 also in CA and child free- please put this in your profile! I rarely use Tinder because I don’t feel like it gives me enough info, child status being part of it. I prefer Bumble or Hinge because you can choose the option to say you don’t want kids. Also, what age range are you dating in? I was dating 35-40 and found the guys in their 30s tended to hide the fact that they want children and then suddenly 3 dates in when they’re really starting to like me they make a grand announcement of how cute our kids would be. No thanks. Older has worked better for me on the male side but my options are still pretty limited (I assume it may be the same for men).

    As far as bringing it up in conversation, I’m of the opinion it’s easier and better to just bring it up right away, like while you’re still chatting in app. It’s way less awkward than confronting someone in person and then having to say “oh nvm”. Just say something like “your profile doesn’t mention children, do you have/want them?”. It’s not going to be cute or engaging but you’re filtering so it’s not supposed to be. Personally, if a guy asked me that I’d say no and turn it into a conversation about the non-kid things I like to do, like travel. It only has to be a conversation killer if she’s not the right match.

23. I don’t want kids and can’t have them, but I’m okay with dating someone who might want them in the future. If it’s important for someone to date a person who also wants kids in the future, they’ll bring it up.

    Since you want to exclusively date other childfee people and are only interested in dating that might lead to a long term relationship, your situation is pretty straightforward. Put “childfee and looking for same” or something like that in your bio, and then just say, “Cool to meet someone who also doesn’t want kids”, just to be sure.

    I seriously doubt anyone who also doesn’t want kids thinks you are somehow “avoiding responsibility” (wtf?) by being childfee. If someone does think this, they don’t have long term compatibility with you anyway, so their opinion doesn’t matter and you are not missing out on anything.

24. ive met up with 2 women that didn’t show they had kids but when I met them they said they had 2 kids. lol. now I just ask straight up.