My ten-year marriage has been incredible, but in the past few months, shadow work and MDMA have propelled it into the stratosphere.

We (I’m 31m, she’s 30f) got married at 20 and 21 after dating for two months and a two month engagement. While we’ve had challenges along the way, overall our marriage has been amazing. We’re truly best friends and partners. We latch onto each other through the night. We can still talk endlessly for hours. We miss each other all day and I WORK FROM HOME lol. We message each other constantly when apart. Just two obsessed clingy people who found each other.

We have three kids, the youngest just turned 5. Even still, we’ve never averaged less than two sexual sessions per week, with the average being more like 4x for the past few years and we now barely ever miss a day. Sex is virtually a part-time job, often consuming 20+ hours per week, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

As should be apparent, my wife is INCREDIBLE. She’s the sweetest, most thoughtful person I’ve ever met. She’s an incredible mother, and it’s so evident that we have a rather large collection of god-children. She’s sharp and a hard worker. I could go on.

She’s from a very conservative background; a small Mormon town, though her family was Baptist. We’re still somewhat conservative, but (as is probably apparent from the title lol) not to the degree that we were. However, those fundamentalist roots run deep, and have haunted my dear wife throughout our marriage.

Without it being blatantly communicated this way, she was ultimately taught to treat her fears and gut reactions as God’s voice. This made it extremely difficult for her to really trust me, as on a bad day or when we’re in a disagreement, her fears would tell her I don’t really love her, want to hurt her and she should protect herself from me. She would turtle and stonewall when hurt or afraid, and it was very difficult for either of us to understand.

She was also taught that men are essentially all sexual deviants, and that my sexuality was something that she should fear and had to be wary of. When it came to growing together sexually, there were often times where she had to work through feeling like my expressing an interest or acting a certain way validated her deeply held belief that I was indeed a dangerous sexual deviant on the inside contrary to her experience with me. And when I say “expressing an interest”, I can assure you that we’ve always been extremely vanilla, and remain so today lol.

I was reading some Carl Jung and listening to some therapy-based podcasts, and became familiar with the concept of the shadow and shadow work to integrate it, and it really resonated with me. I still had/have a lot of internal shame from my fundamental upbringing but was becoming more patient and open with myself, and I shared some of this content with her. She bought a shadow journal and really began to see how much of herself she had tried to reject and bury, and that she was therefore okay with rejecting parts of me that she still feared. This stuff is pretty complex so I won’t go into a ton of detail, but I’d encourage doing some research if this is resonating. But ultimately she started down this path of starting to unravel this hidden reality that she was still withholding from me out of fear and self-preservation despite our incredible marriage.

On top of this, after watching “how to change your mind”, we both were somewhat intrigued by MDMA. I knew my brother had some experience with illicit drugs, so I asked for his opinion, and before I knew it he was offering me enough for about 3 sessions for the two of us. She was pretty hesitant, but was open to me trying it without her doing it, and then after being absolutely smothered by my outpourings of love she was ready to do it together.

The first time we did it was really relaxed. We just talked about our marriage and how much we loved each other and our life together. We sang songs to each other. And we just touched each other a lot. We had sex towards the end of the evening and it was great, but it was very much a sidenote and not anything wildly special.

The two weeks between the first and second sessions, she had a series of revelations in her shadow work, culminating in one huge one that lead to her finding me in the shower and just weeping about how sorry she was for withholding from me and not trusting me, and saying she was finally becoming able to let go of her fears that I didn’t really love her. It felt profound, but I didn’t really understand what all was happening at the time.

The second session was much more jovial and fun. We laughed, we cried a bit talking more about her revelations, and she ultimately initiated rather aggressive and communicative sex that was pretty amazing and certainly distinct from most of our encounters mostly in that we spoke to each other the entire time. It was very sweet and even fun and funny, but it was also super intense and sexual. We were reeling from that for several days, talking about it a lot. We made videos during and watched them a bunch.

For the last session, we wanted sex to be more kind of central to the experience than it had been before. So we planned to start basically right when it hit, had outfits and materials arranged, etc. That lead to the most insane and incredible weekend of my life. The Saturday evening that we used it we had the most erotic encounter we’ve ever had by many factors. On Sunday we more or less had sex all day, in three primary sessions, which is NOT something I’m historically able to do. That was on August 12th, and we have had sex at least once every single day since then, and there’s no sign of it slowing down. Like I said earlier, we’ve always been regular, but NEVER daily, and in generally two days in a row has historically been a rarity.

But beyond that, I was sharing with my wife today that the transformation in her feels SO profound. She feels literally un-upsettable. Little annoyances, me being short or frustrated, making messes, things that we’d bicker about; she’s just CONSTANTLY overflowing with love and just seems immovably peaceful. And because of her loving responses, I always feel TERRIBLE for even minor transgressions, and feel quicker to see when I’ve acted selfishly or otherwise poorly and acknowledge and apologize, which she’s always so gracious about. She has her hands all over me whenever we’re near each other, and vice versa. It’s really hard to even describe.

We have no immediate plans to use MDMA again, and it’s hard to even say how much it contributed to all of this, but it was certainly a factor. I don’t even know where things go from here. She seems like an endless orgasm fountain, and I kind of feel the same way. If we progress any further, it’s like we’ll fade into the fae realm to make love endlessly in some magical forest for eternity.

Not sure why I’m here, but I guess I’ll just end by saying… if you love each other, there are new peaks to be found, whether you’re at a high right now or a low. Keep digging into each other. Keep exploring. There’s more to find.