Friends, looking for advice. My wife and I have been having serious issues the last few weeks. I honestly thought things were good leading up to this and then she dropped the bomb on me that she is pretty much done. Her reasons were that she has talked with me about issues multiple times and she isn’t sure she can give me another chance (Google walk away wife syndrome). The thing is that she has always had a problem brining up serious problems until she(and me as well) is absolute wasted. I seem receptive at the time I am told but then I don’t do anything about it. This is due to a number of factors that I have uncovered over the last few weeks.
1. I now realize I most likely have adhd. I have issues with inattentive listening and serious problems with distraction/procrastination. I am currently undergoing testing for this and have discussed remediation with the testers and my primary care doctor.
2. She is excellent at “putting on a happy face”. So the next day after conversations everything seemed fine and we went about or normal lives.
3. We were both drunk. This coupled with with my highly likely adhd diagnosis (I will know on Friday) resulted in me not remembering well and minimizing what I had been told
I also need to mentuon that covid has been horrible for me. I lost a healthy uncle to the virus which was hard for me. I also work in IT so we went totally remote work. So I have been working from home almost exclusively for the last 2 years. I am a social person and this for sure impacted that side of my personality. I also stopped working out (because I didn’t use the office gym like I did before 3-4 days a week). 3 weeks ago while we were drinking again she layed the entire situation on me. I have a lack of motivation to go out, to plan birthdays for her, to help plan trips. She feels like she was the only one keeping us going and to some degree she is right. She told me that “she thinks she is done” and that shook me to my core. While I honestly don’t recall these prior peacemeal conversations, that certainly stuck in my head. A couple of days later she decided to go to her parents house but I later found that she only stayed there half the nights.
I instantly started taking her statements to heart and began working on myself. I am quiting smoking (she still smokes), have started walking /biking /working out daily, have undertaken adhd testing (both my mother and sister were diagnosed years ago), and have been going to therapy for the last few weeks.
During that time she has been super shut down (somewhat understandable) not only to me but to her friends and family who she normally talks to daily. Her sister is her best friend and has gone days without hearing from her. Through the grapevine I have heard that she is constantly at bars and doesn’t return my single goodnight text message (not trying to be overbearing, just trying to keep a distant contact and let her know I love her). She has been staying at home half nights over the last week or so. Normally when she doesn’t come home she is going out for drinks with coworkers and then just never comes home and doesn’t return my single text.
The last few days have been abit better I feel. She was home 3 nights in a row (we are sleeping seperately because I don’t want her to feel awkward here). We have been to some family events and she has been smiling, laughing and talkative with me about day to day stuff. Today I found (I wasn’t searching I just came across it) something interesting in that she had brought home which was a victories secret bag. She had bought a number of thongs, bras, and a see through body suite. Granted she hadn’t been home and needed undergarments but some of(not all) these things were super “non functional” and are typically the sort of thing she would only wear on nights she knew for sure that we had a high likelyhood of being intimate. Obviously we aren’t physical right now so this discover has my mind absolutely spinning.
She also told me in the first week or so of this ordeal after she left that “she had experienced attracted feelings towards other people”. I was understanding and took what responsibility for this that I could but these new discoveries make these “attracted to” feelings seem way more calculated and thought out. This coupled with her randomly not coming home/being unreachable is tearing my heart out every time it happens.
I am fighting so hard to fix myself and make this work. Even if there was someone else involved I feel like I could work through it (if that ended). I know that the only thing I can do is continue to become my best self, but this shit still hurts more than anything I have ever felt. I’m just so confused and lost right now and could use some perspective. Tyia
20 comments
I’m 99% sure
No one else is involved in your marriage. By the time we leave, we have tried EVERYTHING we possibly could and we are left apathetic and just done. She has probably been telling you for years what’s wrong and nothing changed. She’s done, absolutely moved on. Also sounds like she’s becoming withdrawn and depressed and drinking does NOT help with that. She’s literally screaming for help! She needs therapy asap and you need to stop making her explain again and again and let her go.
Dude.. this sucks.
Shes obviously seeing someone or multiple someone else’s.
Even if you want to work through it….. she seems like she does not.
She might have been done with the relationship a long time ago and the great progress you’ve made is too late for this relationship…
If she won’t answer your texts and isn’t at home she is likely with someone else. Add in the lingerie… you’re choosing to ignore what is right in front of you.
Good luck OP
This sounds like me when I was at the end. And yes, there was someone I was attracted to at work.
>I am fighting so hard to fix myself
Why? You’re not the problem. Not any more, at least.
Do you think your effort can win her back from the other guy, after everything?
You having ADHD certainly explains you ignoring the warning signs, and her bad communication skills don’t help. But that doesn’t change the fact that she’s been unhappy for a long time, and trying to tell you that, and nothing changed. If she’s done, she’s done.
this sounds like me at the end, i was done, i and nothing left to fight for i had been trying for two years and he wasn’t listening until i said i was leaving. she’s finding her own life, she has no need to be home with you every night
You have to let her go and make these changes for yourself not for her. You can love someone and have them not be right for you. It happens all the time, and it’s not necessary anyones fault. It depends on the circumstances
But there are also a lot of missing details here. What changes was she asking of you that you ignored?
She told you she’s done and she’s showing you she’s done. You felt it was a “beautiful coupling”, as you phrase it, but she says you’ve neglected the marriage and ignored her cries for help. You yourself corroborated that. It doesn’t sound like she wants to waste any more time on your promises.
Ask her outright if she’s willing to give it another try or if she wants a divorce.
You need to go 100% no contact with her.
How many times a day do you text or call her?
How many off those does she respond to?
I know it will be hard as hell, but you need to go NC.
The way it sounds she’s 100% involved with someone else.
“Her reasons were that she has talked to me about issues multiple times and she isn’t sure she can give me another chance”….. but your title is “sure someone else is involved in my marriage”.
This. Is. The. Problem.
She had TOLD you what the issues are- I’m sure hundreds of times- and you are not listening and are blaming her for something you THINK may or may not be going on instead of focusing on what she is/ had been saying (probably for a long long time). . Literally .. she’s told you a ton of times. Yet here you are clinging onto some other made up reason of her cheating when she finally walks away.
When she’s done, she’s done. She’s allowed to buy herself lingerie without it being for someone else. She’s allowed to go out. Stop making this about a “her” problem and listen to what she has been telling you all along. Of course she is checked out if your way of handling things is “it’s not me, it’s her”.
The amount of people saying there’s someone else is ridiculous. She’s been telling you for so long and you haven’t heard her. You say you’re doing all these things now but she already said she’s done.
Your wife lost emotional connection to you. Whether this has a first and a family name is another topic.
To regain traction is no easy task. Especially if there is a name. But you can try to become unavailable, take care of yourself, dress up, try to talk to another women, no phone number swapping yet. Even a little jealousy or uneasiness is better than nothing and her distance and her being sure she can fall back on you ‘but she does not want to’.
After you find at least a bit of traction, you need to engage her emotionally. How you do it… is another thing.
Another edit: apply a fair caution to entries in this forum, blame shifting etc. It is not about ‘what was wrong and you did not react’. The root cause is she can hate you but be attached to you emotionally and the relation can be unhappy but thrive. Your wife, as opposite to this, does not feel much now at all, the feelings were flat. So create some emotional drama hills and valleys, maybe there is still some time.
Adhd… Walk away wife syndrom… I hear a lot of excuses and i think you spend to much time googling and far to less time talking to your wife…
I have adhd too. I know its hard… But its never an excuse…
Sit your wife down. Talk to her. Ask het if she wants to work on the marriage and if so what steps you both take. If not… Get a divorce. This “status quo” isnt sustainable. Its either yes or no.
If its yes own up to your part. Is it only that you dont plant birth days and dont want to go out? Because that doesn’t seem like the worse thing? The communicating thing seems bigger… Only being able to talk while drunk is a really bad sign. If you want to continue this marraige you should at least work on that. Couples counsling can help a lot.
And also… If your u have a diagnosis… Nothing is going to change. You might get some insights about why you are who you are… But nothing is going to magical resolve itself.
You might get medicated but finding the right medication is a very long proces. And even if you are medicated you still have to work. Medication makes some things easier but it doesn’t change who your are. And you have to do a lot of work.
Man. Yeah I think she’s actively having sex outside of your marriage. Maybe the changes are coming too late now.
I know all the wives in the thread are saying that lingerie is usually worn for confidence or self esteem and I’d say, in these circumstances, just as much as condoms and lube are used for masturbation.
But your best bet is to get ready before she screws you over in the divorce. Typically if she has “walk away wife syndrome” she’s already surmised an exit plan. Get one for you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know everyone in the comments is saying she’s done. But I think it’s worth it to fight for her and work on this. Keep communicating with her and improving yourself (for your marriage but also for yourself). Give her time and space to decide if she’s truly done, but don’t give up so quick just because everyone on reddit says so. It’s good that you have counselling set up.
It’s definitely over
Unfortunately nothing was addressed in your relationship and now you left it too late
I heard drinking a lot in your post. If you are not already I would address that. Not a good combination with ADHD. And perhaps her drinking is problematic too. It sounds like she checked out of her marriage after she gave up on you. If you can convince her to give you another chance, go see a marriage therapist together. The possible affair and your inattention could potentially be worked through but only if she is willing to give you another chance. It probably was likely before she checked out but now it will be hard to convince her to get back in if she has truly checked out.
Don’t get better for her. Get better for yourself. Move on.