Boyfriend (26) and I (F27) have been together just over 1.5 years. We live in a house together.
Here’s the scenarios that make me worry or annoyed about the tendencies to come across as a mamas boy:
1. Most recently, I’m on a trip abroad for work. As soon as I found out about it, I asked if he wanted to join me, and we could extend it to go visit additional places. He agreed and I was really excited for it. A month-ish before, his mom tells him family will be in town visiting and it’s important, and some of them haven’t seen each other for a few years. I won’t disagree visiting family is important, and at the time I told him I was frustrated because he just immediately decided to ditch me the moment his mom told him. If we had talked about it, I would have likely agreed with him that he hadn’t seen that side in a while, and while bummed, would agree for him to stay home. It felt like because his mom said it, I didn’t even get to have a conversation about it with him. He claims he tried when we walked outside afterwards, but he had already decided so it didn’t really matter what my opinion was.
2. Minor things, like we will talk about something and I’ll bring up a concern or something he needs to think about and he’ll brush it off. If his mom says it, he is much more likely to actually think about it I.e hair donation. I told him it needs to be a certain length and he just brushed it off and assumed his hair would be long enough. When he brought it up to his mom, she said the *same exact thing I said* and he immediately looks it up and asks me to help measure his hair. When I told him I already told him this and he brushed it off, he didn’t remember I had told him about it.
3. Family trips. We were at an aquarium with everyone and I was looking at fish with him and trying to say something and his mom got his attention and he just… walked away to go look at the thing his mom wanted him to see. We were around family the entire time so I didn’t get the opportunity to bring it up. Similar things will happen when we visit his parents house. Sometimes (and I do get along with most people in the family, and can carry conversations, but I’m introverted and really anxious so sometimes don’t like being left alone and he knows this) he will just leave me with a group to go have a conversation with his mom away from everyone else. I just started noticing this after the aquarium incident.
4. He’ll tell his mom stuff that I don’t really want her to know. Recently he told her my salary, again, I told him to please not share personal details like that in the future without asking me first and he seemed genuinely sorry and said he won’t do it again (he’s always been true to other scenarios where I ask him to not do something again so I have no reason to believe he won’t in this situation… but I’m just not sure what else he’s already told her that I don’t know about)
Things like this just make me fear I won’t be the priority if we get married. I don’t want to be ditched or made to feel like my opinion isn’t as valuable. I don’t want to make him feel guilty for being close to his mom either. He is absolutely not as bad as some of the horror stories I’ve read about and feel like I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill. (He takes care of himself, doesn’t just expect me to do everything for him, no weaponized ignorance of not knowing how to do basic chores, these things are not issues at all)
Almost all of the time we can have civil conversations, like Ive mentioned above, but this feels like a sensitive topic. How would you approach it? Most individual scenarios get addressed but the big picture problem hasn’t as I’m just now kind of piecing all these things together.
TLDR; noticing a trend with boyfriend being a bit of a mamas boy, not sure how to address it, as most individual scenarios have already been addressed.
3 comments
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What I notice here is that you write very little about the mother overstepping in any way or form. At least you don’t make it sound like she’s not “letting him go” or demands to be his Nr. 1 – that’s what you read about a lot of mothers/MILs here on the sub; women who think their “little boy” is mostly theirs.
But here, it seems different. Your partner sounds like an independent, young man who lives with you, doesn’t expect you or his mom to do all the housework while he plays videogames, any sort of this unhealthy behavior. Which is both a good and a bad thing.
Because usually, these “mama’s boys” have simply not cut the umbilical cord yet. They either don’t want to grow up and live outside of “hotel mama” yet or their mothers simply don’t let them and they don’t have the spine and/or ability to cut that cord. Getting these guys to get away from their mom can be basically impossible.
But your partner has, seemingly, cut that umbilical cord. He is living an adult, independent life. And because of that, things are bad in a *different* way. Your partner has, as an adult, *decided*, on his own and without great manipulation from the mother, that he wants to put his mother first. And with that, this is only on him, not on her. Your partner has decided that indeed, his mother is first priority and you are second.
In some cultures, this is completely normal, by the way. And even in places where it’s not, you will find those people who will put their (blood-related) family first. That’s not a crime – but they need a partner who shares that mindset. You and your partner think differently there and that makes matters complicated.
I think a talk about the matter shouldn’t be about accusations because in itself, what he does isn’t a *bad* thing. He’s not a criminal. Also people tend to get defensive when they’re accused of being unfair or doing something wrong (especially if they don’t think they’re wrong).
So I would approach this talk as an opportunity to *learn* and *gather information*. Don’t be angry, be calm. Don’t accuse him, but instead ask for his opinion and about the way he feels. Be curious! Learn about his family – every family is different and has their own dynamics. You don’t know *why* he puts his mother first – if she has manipulated him after all and raised him to basically always put her first, if he is terrified of her dying and just wants to spend as much time as possible with her, if he simply feels like blood-related family should always come first, if he misses his home and feels his mother should come first because he doesn’t live at home anymore (thus making every opportunity to see his parents an important one, no matter how often it happens), if there is some thinking along the lines of “I only got one mom in my life, but partners come and go, so she should come first”…. the possibilities are endless. So the best you can do is just *ask* him about how he sees the world, about family dynamics in general, also things like if he plans to care for his parents when they are old/wants to move back in with them and other things. And then, when you have learned what you can learn, you will have the information to make an informed decision of if this is a man who fits the future you want for yourself.
Why do you think of a mamas boy in derogatory ways. He loves his mum and it sounds as tho she has bought him up to be a kind caring partner. He lives with you and you need to learn to share him. I suspect your anxiety is making it harder for you to share him, but remember that if you eventually have a son your current partner will be a good role model for him