My husband’s constant complaining about not having a career and “pursuing his dream” is driving me insane.
My husband (33) and I (30) have been married for seven years and have two beautiful children together, and living what many would consider the American dream. We aren’t rich but with both of our incomes combined we make a comfortable living. Since before we got married my husband always wanted to pursue a career in Aviation, and becoming a commercial pilot has always been his lifelong passion and something he’s dreamt of doing since he was a child.
He completed a two year program and earned his Associate’s degree in Aviation but due to some
roadblocks along the way with getting his private pilots license due to a medical condition that required clearance he was not able to obtain his private pilot’s license and pursue his career path. He was finally able to get clearance however all of his tests expired and things got put on the back burner as a result. We met and married a year after he finished school. He now has an associates degree in aviation that cost us 15k worth of student loan debt (paid off) and there is nothing to show for it. We also paid off my student loans in the process another 15k.
Since that time he has worked what he would consider dead end jobs, jumping from one job to the next. He’s initially happy when he first gets a new job but within six months to a year he falls into the same pattern of burn out and depression. Complaints about how his life isn’t going anywhere, that’s he’s depressed, that I do nothing to help him pursue his dreams that I don’t support him, how he wishes he could just start over. He’s always looking for someone to blame and it’s usually me. Then he begins the job search all over again for what he would consider another “dead end” job. After seven years of this constant cycle it has really began to weigh heavily on me. I’m now at a point that when he starts the complaints and job searches that I just ignore him because I’m so mentally exhausted, and I know nothing I say will make a difference.
I love my husband so much, he’s an amazing husband and father and I would give anything to see him happy, and pursuing his dreams. I wish love and support was all that were necessary and if that were the case we would have been there by now, but money is a huge factor. Becoming a commercial pilot is an extremely expensive and time consuming endeavor 80-100k minimum just to obtain the license itself and not including the 1500 hours that is required after that to even get hired anywhere. I’ve tried to get my husband to pursue getting a more “affordable” degree or to take on a trade just so he can have a solid and stable career with benefits and job satisfaction just as a stepping stone to fund his flying in the process. However, he never sees anything through, and he never likes the options I give him, and the things he has pursued never work out. He wants to snap his fingers and watch everything magically fall in his lap. But the hard truth is the career he has chosen to pursue will take him years to complete unless we get ourselves in a bunch of debt just so he can get it done quickly.
I know he’s never going to be happy until he is doing what he wants to do and this will continue to weigh heavily on our marriage. Some people are content just having a job to pay the bills and make a comfortable living, he will never be that person. I feel like he’s always going to be like the highschool quarterback who would have made it to the NFL if it wasn’t for an injury that held them back and I’ll never hear the end of it. He knows how I feel, we do well with communication in our marriage. I’m just so tired of repeating myself like a broken record that I’ve resorted to silence with him.
We only get two days off together every two weeks due to our schedules and he’s ruined our weekend off together because he’s been sulking about his job and lack of career.
TDLR: I’m just frustrated and needed somewhere to vent my thoughts. Thank you for listening.
24 comments
If going into a “bunch of debt” will definitely result in him being able to quickly enter into a career as a pilot then perhaps it is something to seriously consider?
He sounds really annoying. Honestly, it’s not your role to help him with career choices and I think that if you continue on that path you’ll have bigger problems. Why doesn’t he talk with a life coach to help him sort out his job issues?
“[T]he career he has chosen to pursue will take him years to complete unless we get ourselves in a bunch of debt” it sounds like he has a viable path forward, even if it’s a slow one. Has he pursued that at all? Taken any concrete steps back toward his goal?
I would tell him to get into therapy. Husband, we talk this in circles all the damn time. It’s affecting the quality of our marriage. I need you to go make a plan with a therapist about your career, and I will support you in whatever that plan is, but this aimless whining is not going to cut it anymore.
It’s hard to tease out what’s going on from just this information but it has the feel of him blaming you for his lack of career. Put the onus back on him. If this is what he wants he should come up with a plan – what are the steps, how does it fit into your current life, what is the total cost, timeline, what is the ROI? If he really wants this he can do the legwork to research and plan which he can then present to you as a fully formed idea rather than a complaint.
Even if you had the money and he had the motivation, would you want the sort of home life that most newbie commercial pilots have? I’m not sure if it’s changed much in the past few years, but it used to be that newer pilots get the crappiest runs and schedules – sleeping in a lounge or on somebody’s couch is pretty common, and forget being able to commit to being home for significant events.
He doesn’t actually have the drive to pursue his dream. He doesn’t. He’s not going to achieve it. And instead of acknowledging that, he blames you.
Who the hell does he think would be financially supporting him if you weren’t around? He’s *closer* to his goal than he would ever be in his own, because you helped him. He resents you and worse, he resents your kids. You and your babies deserve better.
I mean, it’s obviously not a light decision, and would have some serious effects on you and the kids, but has he looked at joining the airforce?
Aren’t conditions for commercial pilots these days pretty bad? I feel I’ve heard that. That it was a cushy job in the past, but now it’s not the best.
Has he considered he might not be happier if he accomplished this dream? That the core issue might be depression?
Edit:
He needs to know: how much will it pay? How many hrs per week will he have to work? How much time spent away from the family? How are the working conditions? How is the job security?
And then balance that out against the cost of getting qualified.
If you guys can’t afford it either way, why doesn’t he try to advance in the jobs he has? Or find another plan for his career?
Does he have ADHD? Has he ever been fully accessed?
Because I recognize a lot of those behaviors in myself.
>He’s initially happy when he first gets a new job but within six months to a year he falls into the same pattern of burn out and depression. Complaints about how his life isn’t going anywhere, that’s he’s depressed, that I do nothing to help him pursue his dreams that I don’t support him, how he wishes he could just start over.
Burn out on things that once brought joy. Inability to turn criticism into actionable steps. No follow-up without a lot of reminders, or pushing him to do it.
>However, he never sees anything through, and he never likes the options I give him, and the things he has pursued never work out. He wants to snap his fingers and watch everything magically fall in his lap.
Does he find it incredibly difficult to finish (boring) tasks?
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Ok honestly. A lot of it might be aspects of ADHD, but you don’t deserve to be blamed for things that are not YOUR responsibility.
Assuming he has ADHD, getting medicated will help with the depression and apparently it’s like the light finally turns on in people’s heads. I don’t know. I’ve been struggling to even get the assessment because it takes a year to even be seen by the psychologist but I changed insurance providers and now I have to follow up. Except I only remember to follow up when it’s the weekend and all the offices are closed.
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Do any of your children behave as if they are driven by motor? Daydream too much? Fully immerse themselves into one task at the neglect of other responsibilities (sleep, food, water, toilet)? Start tasks and leave them incomplete?
A lot of my elementary school report cards had, “StolenPens is a great student who starts tasks early, if only she followed the instructions.” (I literally used to skip reading the whole question in tests)
ADHD is genetic and if it IS that, it’s going to be evident looking up and down the family tree; mother loses keys in the freezer, father doesn’t finish tasks right away, brother can’t sit still, etc.
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So, you know, it’s 100% his responsibility to do what he needs to do. Don’t accept any blame. It’s all resting on his own shoulders.
However, if it’s like watching a fish struggle to climb a tree… there’s possibly medical help for that.
Perhaps he could consider a related career – aircraft mechanic or airport operations, for example.
> I’m just so tired of repeating myself like a broken record that I’ve resorted to silence with him.
Oof that’s not great. Since communication has broken down, couples counseling might be a good idea.
>Some people are content just having a job to pay the bills and make a comfortable living, he will never be that person.
Yes. Stop trying to make him into that person; you’re doing a disservice to both him and yourself.
>I feel like he’s always going to be like the highschool quarterback who would have made it to the NFL if it wasn’t for an injury that held them back and I’ll never hear the end of it.
Unlike professional football, you can become a pilot at any age (and 33 is not that old), and also unlike professional football, there are plenty of job openings for pilots and other areas in aviation.
He sounds like he needs to see a career-focused therapist to work through his anxieties regarding his failed training, and you sound generally bitter and negative that he’s not as content to work a 9-5 as you.
If you gave him your blessing to pursue his dreams would he really do it?
I ask because he doesn’t sound like someone who really follows through on things. And getting a medical waiver is no small feat, so if he had one and let it lapse he will have to work on getting another before he can do anything else.
Before you tie yourself in knots trying to figure out how to help him pursue his dreams, maybe suggest he get his medical clearance in order and after than you guys can look at the different options to get him where he wants to be.
His initiative on this step will tell you a lot. And, if he can’t get his medical back, he can stop blaming you for his unrealized dreams.
Some of the commercial airlines are desperate for pilots and have programs to pay for flight school in return for long term contracts. So it can be done, but you’re the one who is going to pay for it with what it will do to your lives.
Let him do the work to show he’s serious and not just a chronic job hopper.
Let him know that you’ll seriously consider supporting him in this but ask him for a detailed plan on exactly what he will do to get to that end goal. Make him produce something that you two can actually sit down and review. Then go from there.
I wonder how many commercial pilots got there *without* being in the military? I imagine it’s not very many as the only ones I’ve ever spoken to, or remember reading about, were former military and received their pilot training in the military.
I’d look into that statistic as I think it would be difficult and prohibitively expensive to do it privately.
Instead I’d encourage him to seek a more professional career in other ways. One suggestion might be to get some counseling through a career counselor. Another would be to consider different trades such as plumbing, electrical, carpentry, etc. A lot of those have programs and trade schools offered through local unions. A third option would be to look at career training certificates at local community colleges.
Most community colleges have career centered programs in addition to the more known about general-ed college prep courses. Career programs might include general-ed classes and finish with a degree on include only direct career training classes and finish with a career training certificate. They can cover a wide range of careers from mechanical, trades, office jobs and medical field jobs. Most of these have course timings that work well with part time students who also work full time.
Encourage him to at least look through the offerings at one or two nearby community colleges as well as thinking about local building/repair related trades.
The blaming someone else is super immature. Man child move there.
But if he was serious about getting a commercial pilot job, he needs to save his own money for it, and he could apply to jobs at the airport, specifically with airlines.
While it’s not flying, it’s at least on industry and he will learn things that could help his future self. He also may better be able to get tips on starting out from pilots/coworkers. And some of those pilots may have their own private vehicles or home setups and be willing to help him out. Assuming he’s likeable and not a huge man child at work.
The only way he’ll get into that world is if he makes steps towards it. He’s gotta do that himself.
Now is a great time to be getting into an aviation career. Airlines are hiring like gangbusters and that will only increase. I’m working on making this career transition now as amatter of fact. I flew some a number of years ago and have to redo some training. So what. It’s just something that has to be done.
$80-$100k is a ripoff and if he’s looking at the school I think he is, the training is not great for the price. He should find a local Part 61 flight school or independent CFI with access to a plane and start working on his ratings one at a time. At least knock out PPL and IFR before going the accelerated big loan route. If financing is an issue, AOPA has reasonable, smaller loans that can help you get across the finish line. If you’re both making decent money maybe he can do it out of pocket.
Once he gets his CPL and CFI (CFII hopefully), there are a number of flying jobs he could get to build to 1500hrs. He could instruct, fly part 135 charter, pipeline patrol, banner tow etc.
It won’t be easy or cheap, but you don’t have to blow $100k all at once, and the ROI could be great. Regional FOs are upgrading to captain within a year or two, and with that comes six figures before you’re even at a major.
He just needs to get serious about it and figure out how to make it work. I sympathize with him, but sitting on his ass whining isn’t going to get him closer to that dream.
He needs therapy
And can’t he get into an adjacent field? Maybe if he got a job doing something related it may help.
Dude send him to career counseling! They can help support him through this process and take it off your plate!
Tell him to become a drone pilot. It’s the forefront of aviation and will take way less time and money and sounds very cool. The only way to get him off the old one is to entice him with a new and better one.
1) get him to do some informational interviews with pilots. Its not all its cracked up to be.
2) why a pilot? Is it about the travel? The machine? Is there any other way to fulfill this interest?
3) not all dreams work out, even when you finish degrees. The best way for him to have dreams and to pursue them, is to understand that sometimes you have to move on a find a new thing. What else can he be passionate about? Does he volunteer or have hobbies?
Get a plan in place for him to follow his dream. Doesn’t matter how ‘slow’ it is.
Ten years is better than NEVER. He is feeling like his needs are not important to you and that is a marriage killer.
There might be setbacks and it still might never happen but you need to have a plan because NO PLAN=NO VALUE in his mind .
Complaining and wallowing doesn’t solve anything. If he wants to be a pilot, then he needs to step up and make that happen. He needs to put in the effort to clear the roadblocks and whatever else is preventing him from achieving his dream. It isn’t just going to happen on its own and you can’t do it for him. But you can be there to support him and do your best to adjust your family’s budget so he can afford it.
And if, for whatever reason, that isn’t possible then he needs to accept that his dream is dead and move on. Either way, he needs to do something. Status quo isn’t sustainable.
It sounds like the ‘woes me I’m not a pilot’ is just an excuse not to do anything at all. This is an industry I know something about. There’s not one path to success. The pilots I know are former military, or they started small as navigation operators or copilots for like FedEx, served their time, gained the experience, earned their way up over the better part of a decade before they moved closer to the job they wanted. This idea that if you throw $100k at it and at the end, he’s a pilot just isn’t the way most people do it. There are other avenues and he doesn’t want to explore them because he doesn’t want to do the *work* to be a pilot, he wants a big stork to fly by with a wrapped bundle of success and leave it on the porch for him. This is a bullshit excuse. If he wanted to be a pilot, he’d do the grunt work to get there.