Posted in relationship_advice but it got removed by the automod for apparently asking for moral judgement?
I’ve been with my (21m) amazing girlfriend (20), L., for a little over 10 months now. L. suffers from several mental health issues due to terrible upbringing, including body image issues and dysphoria. She frequently will say things like “I look ugly/fat/like a gnome”, she also has a problem with her chest size and shape. So much so, I tend to shelter her from that topic in media and avoid it in conversations, since it gets her upset every time. To be clear, I find her absolutely gorgeous and wouldn’t want her to look any different.
I often remind her of how beautiful she is in my eyes and how attracted I am to her.
Now whenever she says something self-depreciating I used to deny it and give her some words of reassurance, which seemed to work quite well, up until a month ago, which is when her father died.
I knew things would change after that and it’s okay. It’s a hard hit and it takes time to get back up after that. Now whenever I say what I think, she gets upset at me. She told me to stop doing it, but I feel like I can’t just listen and nod along. I know that it may make her feel like I don’t respect her opinion but letting her talk about herself like that feels wrong. What should I do, Reddit?
Edit: Forgot to mention, not responding doesn’t really work either.
TL;DR
Girlfriend puts herself down, gets angry when disagreed, don’t know what to do.
13 comments
That’s not something you can fix. She needs therapy.
Is she in therapy?
You can’t fix this for her, she needs to work on it herself for herself.
I would just come up with a stock response and don’t deviate from it.
“I look fat and ugly”
“That might be your opinion, but it’s definitely not mine”
“I look like a gnome”
“That might be your opinion, but it’s definitely not mine”
And so on…
Been in a quite similar situation and we’re still together after more than a year.
She probably feels her feelings aren’t being acknowledged. I know it’s painful to do anything except try to convince her otherwise, but maybe you should focus on acknowledging her bad feelings. Saying things like: “That must feel really bad” is a good start.
When you do tell her how you see her and how you feel about her, emphasize that it is your perspective. Don’t say “You’re not ugly, you’re beautiful”, say “You don’t look ugly to me, in my eyes you’re beautiful.”
However, these are things that ultimately you can’t change, only she can. If this is too rough for you at any point, you need to establish boundaries, because the emotional burden can simply be too much. Can tell from experience.
Also she probably needs therapy, as others have mentioned. You don’t need to take all of the emotional burden, and it would be unjust of her to put it all on you.
Edit: It can be good to discuss with her how she wants the situation to be handled. Communication is key in relationships. Don’t assume she knows how you feel in the situation and vice versa.
Ask her what she needs from you when she, feels like that/makes those comments, about herself. Not in the moment but when she is in a good headspace. Explain that you want to be supportive but agreeing with her negative self assessments and self judgment doesn’t help her, or any friend for that matter. Paraphrasing a previous poster, have a few responses ready, such as; we’ll have to agree to disagree, or; not in my opinion; I don’t see that the same way you do, etc. I applaud you for trying to figure out how to help her.
This isn’t a problem you can fix. She needs therapy to work through this, and in the meantime there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s up to you whether or not you want to be in an emotionally unhealthy relationship.
Grief can be absolutely crazy. I would not assume a month out from an important death in her life that this is the new normal. The combo of that and existing body image and dysmorphia issues mean that she needs a professional to help with this.
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I do think it’s worth bringing this up when it’s not happening–like, hey I think you are gorgeous and don’t want you to look any different than you do, when you say self-deprecating things it feels bad and like I’m agreeing with you to say nothing. Then ask why she gets upset and if there’s something better to say. Maybe something like “I know you think that, but I think you are gorgeous”? Once she has a therapist, ask if they have suggestions for how you can best support.
You cant fix someone elses insecurities or low self esteem. If I were you, I’d not chime in when she says that stuff. She says it bothers her. Let her be bothered by you not reassuring her then. If she asks you your opinion on her or for your validation just say “you already know how I feel”
“It makes me sad when you talk about the girl I love like that”
Is she the type to be able to have a conversation about it? If she is, it might be an option to have a heart-to-heart about why she says those things, why she thinks of herself that way, and why she gets upset when you tell her otherwise. That would also give you a chance to tell her why you think she is beautiful, why you love her, and why it is difficult to hear her say those things about herself. While it is not your place or responsibility to be her therapist, having a conversation about that stuff might help.
I say this as a 28yo woman who has been married for 4 years and who has severe confidence issues and mental health problems. Whenever I would say awful shit about myself my husband (then boyfriend) would say “HEY, no one talks about my girlfriend like that!” and after we got married he’d say “Don’t you dare say that about my wife!” He was saying that with a jokingly tone at first, and time and time again he would gradually sound more and more serious. Somehow that worked for me, and instead of saying “I am so fucking ugly/fat/disgusting” I might have said “I feel so bad today, I can’t look in the mirror without feeling ugly” and he would comfort me, call me beautiful, and say and do all these nice things for me. I hope that with therapy your girlfriend will find her self-worth, and I think you can also ask her if you can help her with that!
Hm, I mean I’m not her but I’m prone to a lot of self deprecation, esp about my appearance. For me, when I say “ah I look like shit in this photo” and people tell me I’m wrong, it never comes through as well-meaning critique but as adding insult to injury: I’m not just ugly, I’m also stupid and/or crazy and/or antagonizing whoever I’m talking to. Frankly I’d rather be *right* than be *attractive,* so people telling me I’m wrong frankly hurts me more than people telling me I’m ugly, especially since I struggle to take them seriously – after all, I’m the poor schmuck who has to see myself in the mirror daily.
A bit of a way around this is through the use of “I” statements. Compare
Her: I look like a gnome |
You: No you don’t
Her: I look like a gnome
| You: I like that
One of those is a statement about reality, and puts her in the position of having to defend herself and her evaluations. The other is an opinion you hold and you alone are master of.
And importantly it draws the conversation away from some grand universal narrative and toward your affection for her. Much safer ground for giving somebody reassurances!
“you need to stop being so mean to the woman I love” might help. Maybe it’s the old “I don’t want solutions, I just want to vent” miscommunication?
she’s going through intense grief and pain. You can do more to acknowledge this than just nod along, because especially to someone with disorders and most dysmorphia, this may seem more like agreement than active listening.
Saying things like ‘it sounds like you’re really hurting right now, how can I help make you feel better?’ Or ‘I’m so sorry that you’re feeling x way, do you want to talk more about it or your would you like to talk more about it or be distracted from it?’ Will show that you’re hearing her without agreeing or disagreeing. When appropriate, maybe ask if she feels those things are facts or feelings. Remind her that feelings will pass, they can’t kill you, even when they feel painful. And that you’re there to support her however you can.