I want some advice on my sisters and I. I have posted on other threads that my sisters can be extremely rude and disrespectful. They never apologize and blame it on me, and they do not care to be nice. They say statements like “I don’t want to talk to you” or speak very meanly. I am the oldest for context.
We were joking around and talking yesterday, me and the youngest one who is about to go to college. I was telling her she should consider applying to a good university near us and that she was smart enough to get in and probably get scholarship money. I tried to say it in a playful way (i tend to have silly conversations with her) and tell her she’d find a good job and hopefully a good man through it. Well, jest became serious very quickly and honestly it happened so fast that I didn’t even notice she was getting upset. I got a bit upset too tbh. She was completely denying and saying she doesn’t care about anything and that she knows what she’s doing and doesn’t need anyone’s advice. Honestly, I know this is a que to stop. But I felt offended at her super defensiveness and said “fine, then you can just be a nothing like the rest of us”. Some context here.. my sisters and I always joke that the youngest one is our only chance of someone in our family actually being something. The rest of us struggled to achieve that and still are.
Anyways, she texted me things like “I’m not your second chance” and I was like woah, nobody said you were. She was going off into the deep end about it and I said obviously you are triggered and taking it much farther than we are.
In my family if someone gets mad, the best thing to do is just leave them alone for a bit. But after my SO told me it’s all my fault and to apologize, I took his advice and I did. I said I was sorry I nagged her about college. But she won’t open my message or reply. I just feel shittier now.
I know I messed up but it all happened so quickly that it was hard to notice what was even happening. Why don’t apologies work in my family? I wasn’t even being rude or mean to her, but she’s sensitive about her college when ANYONE talks to her, including my mom or other sisters. Idk what to do. I feel sad. I’m working so hard to fix myself and be better and I do make mistakes. My family is ruthless and ignores me, and I have no friends.
1 comment
Sometimes in close relationships, like family members, small things add up over the years and are being tolerated until one person just can’t ignore it anymore and then will totally flip out in a situation that will just slightly remember them of all the stuff that bothered them but they would repeatedly let go. When that happens, nobody will understand why that person just flipped bc it seemed like a harmless situation, maybe a normal conversation or a harmless joke. Maybe not even the person that flipped will fully understand why they just got angry but it’s also not something they can just swallow down. And then it’s no use to apologize for that situation bc the anger doesn’t necessarily come from that situation but has built up over a long period of time.
That might sound a bit abstract now but maybe that’s what happened between you and your sister and maybe your other family members.
To me it sounds like your sister is really stressed out right now about college and her future, which might make her more sensitive than usual. Also when she says, that she’s not your second chance, it seems like she had felt that kind of pressure on her for quite some time. The thing about jokes is, that even if they’re not meant seriously, they do carry some truth in them. And if you and your sisters repeatedly joked about how she’s the only one with a chance of actually being someone, then that probably put the tremendous pressure on her of needing to become successful. And to me putting this kind of pressure on your younger sibling honestly feels a bit unfair. But I don’t want to blame you or something, I’m just saying that this is a possible explanation of why your sister reacted that way. And if this was the case then you would probably not even be aware of it bc things like that don’t usually happen on purpose.
All in all sibling relationships can be really complicated and if a normal apology is not doing anything, then it’s a sign that the problem lays a lot deeper. You probably will need to try harder than apologizing over a message. Maybe you can take some time and do something with and for her that she would definitely enjoy. And after spending some time together you can tell her that you really never wanted to make her feel like she’s your second chance and really listen to what’s bothering her without trying to make suggestions on what she could do and without giving any advice. Just reassure her that you will support her no matter what happens and that you will be there for her.
I think if my sister would do something like this for me, then I would really appreciate it.
And after you properly talked about this problem with your sister, you can tell her that you were also hurt by some of her remarks and the way she acted to you. But try to say it in a non reproachful way and without judging her for it or pointing fingers bc that will just lead to her not being open to listen to you. Just tell her honestly how you feel. That you’re really sad about how things are between you and that you’re really trying hard to fix things but you don’t know how. I think then she would understand.
I really hope that you can sort this problem out with your sister and I wish you all the best. I also totally understand how this makes you feel really shitty and I really hope that you can cheer up a bit after talking to your sister.