I (F20) just don’t know anymore.
As a college student, everyone says it’s easy to make friends. But covid not only ruined my college experience, for which I moved across the country, it also destroyed any social skills I had.
Most of my friends stayed in my hometown, or at least close to it so they kept in touch (literally meeting up) while I always struggled with texting because of the ambiguity it created in my mind. I kinda dislike texting because, while it gives you time to respond, there is always the nagging feeling because I can’t hear the tone of voice/ see facial expression of my conversation partner. It gives me an uneasy feeling cause it’s literally impossible to guess their emotional state/judgment of what was said.
When I’m visiting my hometown, the meet ups feel very different, they all got girlfriend/boyfriends, or something else going on in their life, while I feel like my only “hobby” worth mentioning are my studies, which is kinda sad cause I’m not good at them. I also have a hard time keeping up with them cause I’m always the last person to know stuff (by my own fault admittedly). I feel like most of my conversations with them are just check ups if I’m doing okay, not really talking about anything and ending very quickly. It’s not helping that I don’t party, don’t drink and am a person without a lot of emotional ups and downs. So basically got nothing to tell, cause I go to work and go to classes, that’s it.
In my college town, I only made one good friend and some acquaintances (meet during my first semester (the only one before covid)). I used to go swimming, go on walks and just wander around the city before, but now because I’m settled in and covid, I do none of that anymore. I have very little common ground/interests with people and feel like people get bored easily when talking to me.
A common pattern I find is that the conversation starts okayish with small talk and something common like the last exam, work etc., but then it either the conversation fizzles out naturally or I talk and they become disinterested, so I stop. I like listening but I feel like as soon as I say something that’s not a question or reassuring, they become disinterested. It’s like as soon as I share something about me (still on topic), people are bored. It’s been quite a while til since I had a conversation that just flowed naturally and met someone that actually wanted to keep in contact.
Sorry for the long rant.
TL;DR People and friends get disinterested and bored after I speak. Am I just boring or are my social skills bad?
2 comments
Most people like to play power/dominance games. The people that make lots of friends create a dynamic of a top dog or alpha, they present power but in a friendly way. I struggle in the exact same way you do and I noticed a difference when I started playing at people’s games or started acting like I don’t care. This is in social situations only. It’s quite ingenuine to act this way towards personal friends.
In university it is really hard to keep people interested, especially if you do not share common interests. A lot of students meet so many new people every week, and even if they don’t there is a general awareness that you’re surrounded by others who may be more ‘interesting’ than the person in front of you. So it is hard to forge a deeper connection over small talk during classes. That doesn’t mean your social skills are necessarily bad or that you’re boring.
As a 20F uni student who has felt very similar things at times, my two cents is that you need to find some type of interest that allows you to expand your social circle. Take up a sport at your college (if you used to swim, maybe start that again), join a student society in an area that interests you. Even if you just go twice a week, this gives you something unrelated to partying and studying to chat about with others who enjoy it too. Although working on your small talk helps, it sounds like you want stronger connections that would probably come more easily over shared activities.