The relationship isn’t a healthy one.. it’s been nearly a year and a half since my ex and I broke up.. and I still think about him daily. I immediately tear up when I hear our song and have to change it real quick.. I still feel immense pain inside my soul and it’s gut wrenching at times.. I don’t even really know if it’s my ex I miss that much.. or the way I felt when I was with him. Everything was so easy and just flowed. This is the first relationship I’ve experienced, personally anyway.. where we constantly butt heads and want to fight each other on EVERYTHING. He gets really loud often which is one of my ‘things’ I just can’t handle. And there are so many other things.. So why is this the first relationship where I 100% believe he is in it for the long run with me. He tells me he loves me more than anyone he’s ever loved ever, on a daily basis. And that I love him more than anyone ever has.. and how he’s so thankful for me. If it were up to him, he would marry me tomorrow. I never have to worry about him cheating.. he’s so incredibly loyal. He calls me 10 minutes after he or I leaves to tell me he misses me. And we live together. It’s a little much for me; but I play along best as I can to keep him happy. It sounds great.. but all the while inside I feel broken and lost. I know I’m not the happiest I could be, in this relationship.. but I also have no idea where or how I’ll ever have the heart to leave him. I’ve tried on probably 5 occasions now. Every time it’s extremely emotional and my overwhelming guilt takes over and I embrace him with apologizes and what we can do to be better. I convince myself I was just over thinking and self sabotaging and that everything will be okay. Until it happens again. And again. How do I even approach this situation? Is it possible for me to heal and hopefully that will make this relationship a little more functional..
11 comments
>Or do I need to leave
Yeah, kinda.
Ask yourself if you are struggling because of not being healed or struggling because this guy isn’t the one?
I think it’s okay to struggle if you are not completely healed and in a new relationship. It can take some time to heal yourself and adjust to someone new. As long as you are aware of that and taking efforts to heal, a new relationship isn’t a bad thing.
I think this is more than self-sabotage, though. This guy sounds like he isn’t it for you.
Yeah, you need to leave. You’re wasting your partner’s time.
you haven’t let go of the past. It doesn’t mean you should get back together with your ex, but it isn’t fair to your current partner that your ex is always on your mind. I just went through this. You just sound like you don’t want to be alone, but you’re in absolute agony and torturing yourself.
Break up. And learn to live again on your own. It’s going to suck and be incredibly painful, but you know the man you’re with now isn’t the right one, because you’re settling.
You may love this man, but you’re not in love with him.
PM me if you’d like to speak more. I literally just went through the same thing. Like the same exact thing.
After I left a 4 year relationship, I found that casually dating really helped me heal, but trying to be in a relationship too early was a disaster. Dating was all about figuring out what I actually wanted and seeing the world of possibilities beyond my ex. But the couple ill-advised relationships, I stayed too long because I was so afraid of breakups.
It sounds like this guy wouldn’t be a good fit for you at any time in your life. Leave, and give yourself time to heal.
Your first sentence literally says “the relationship isn’t a healthy one…“ Then why continue? Why are you content to continue to be miserable?
My wife and I had a conversation last night where we were talking about someone we know and some of the marital issues that we happen to know that they’re having. (Family)
There had been a few public outbursts in which this individual‘s wife had screamed at him in public in a very embarrassing way. My wife knows that this is a hard boundary for me, because we’ve made that very clear with each other. She has hers, I have mine.
But then we started talking about what it would be like if you had to exist in that kind of environment day in and day out. So I made the comment, “If I had to live like that day in and day out, I’d either leave or shoot myself.“ She of course didn’t like that very much, but when I explained that those two options were the only viable path that I saw to that continued, constant existence of conflict – she began to understand that this was hyperbole and wasn’t a reality for me in our marriage unless something were to change negatively.
I say all that to say this: we’ve been married for 12 years and my expectations with my wife have never been clearer and vice versa, you’ve been dating for a year. What’s the problem?
Leave.
I think my first question is why are you in a relationship- and continuing to be in one of you are unhappy??
Personally I think you need time off to heal. I always have. So you are not taking unresolved issues into a new relationship. You are unhealed and used another person for closeness, intimacy so you did not recover. What you do now is up to you. Many people marry rebounds for decades. So all kinds of outcomes can happen. The fact you are not happy leads me to believe the new relationship probably will not last. Heal first.
You’re wasting his time like this and it’s better if you leave. Just do t regret it later.
Grass isn’t always greener, huh?