I (36) have two kids (6&10), divorced about 2 1/2 years ago from an 8 year toxic marriage (emotional abuse). My ex started a relationship with stepmom about 3-4 months after we separated. My relationship with their step mom has been tense, with a lot of passive aggressive remarks or no acknowledgement at all during drop offs from her. I try to be polite, as little interaction as possible as I’m non confrontational. Kids dad is very hands off and does not want to address the situation. My kids have to walk on eggshells and often get in trouble and punished.
My questions are 1) how to approach a conversation, 2) example boundaries for both sides, 3) what should I be expecting in a step parent relationship as bio mom?
TL;DR!- I (biomom) have a tense relationship with stepmom and looking for advice on boundaries.
8 comments
Do you need to interact with her? I don’t see why you have to. Take them to court and get a better custody agreement. This is possibly abuse. And if she talks shit about you, tell the judge!! That’s parental alienation.
I would recommend documenting what your kids tell you, ideally by recording it, without much in the way of leading questions by you. Ask them about walking on eggshells. Ask them about how much time they spend with their dad on their visitations vs other people. Ask them what they do when they are there and if they enjoy it. Ask them about rules in that home and what happens if they break a rule. That kind of thing. Try not to add in your own opinions, just reassure them you love them and want the best for them. Maybe ask them what they want.
Then transcribe the recordings. There is software that can do an initial job and you can correct it.
Then take it to your lawyer to see if there is something you should do about it.
I’d suggest posting r/coparenting as you will get a lot more information from people going through the same things as you.
The long and short of it is that she’s not obligated to interact with you at all, and a discussion about it is not likely to end well.
If you suspect abuse or alienation, you might have a discussion with an attorney about whether they would advise taking it to court, but generally you won’t have any control over what happens when on their time or what sort of passive aggressive or otherwise ugly things the stepmom says.
I think it’s best to get your ex to mediate between you and the stepmom. Approach your ex first and explain your concerns, but avoid blaming her, and for the sake of co-parenting in a healthy way, have him talk to get and arrange a sit down where you and her can talk with your ex meditating
This situation has “hire an attorney” written all over it.
Document everything, if your husband emotionally abused you he’s going to do it to her and to your kids. I recommend that house record your kids taking about their step mom and their dad, do not tell the dad or step mom that you are taking actions to built a case or recording the reports your kids are giving you. Record how much expenses are, what their diets are like, if they have any issues with their parents ect…. Basically be ready to take them to court and sue for custody.
As far as the relationship with step mom, that’s kinda up to step mom. If she’s being hostile you can’t make her be nice, you can just take away her power in a custody hearing. As far as advise for her; tell her to try and avoid punishments and to leave that up to the bio parents (assuming ex husband isn’t totally toxic, and if he is then more reason to sue for custody). Tell her to be supportive but also let her know that you will always plan to be a part of their lives. (Make it clear that she is not replacing you so she doesn’t get any ideas) but that if she needs support she can always call you to come take the kids if her relationship ends up getting hostile with ex-husband.
That’s about all you can do. 🤷🏻♂️
I’m confused about what you’re actually asking for here. What kind of conversation are you trying to have? What *exactly* is the problem here, is it just that she doesn’t like you?
Continue to be polite when she drops the kids off. Outside of that you don’t need to have a relationship with her.
Stepmom here. When I first came into the picture, the kids loved me, and mom wanted nothing to do with me, and wanted them to have as little to do with me as possible. She didn’t want me at choir concerts, baseballs games… She actually tried to get into a yelling match with me once, because she didn’t want me there because it’s FAMILY ONLY. I just asked her, “but H wants me to be there, and it’s important to him. What’s wrong with having more people there to support him?” She yelled some more, and stormed out.
She put a court order in place to prevent me from being around the kids, then blocked me from moving in. She refused to let me be any part of their lives, and I wasn’t allowed to make any decisions; she wanted no input from me. It was incredibly frustrating, because all I wanted was to have a good relationship with all of them, and be a good coparent in these boys’ lives. And the boys suffered because of this, the youngest now has severe anxiety for the “walking on eggshells” he constantly had to do.
It’s been three (almost four) years, and things are finally better. She realizes I’m not trying to replace her, and we’ve developed a good relationship. We do joint meetings at the school (just her and I), attend practices and games together, and more. It’s at the point now I do most of the stuff for the kids instead of my husband (who works a lot), even taking them to doctor’s appointments, because she’s learned she can trust me. She sent me a message the other day, saying how much she appreciates me and everything I do for our kids, and that meant the absolute world to me.
Just today the Intervention Specialist for my oldest stepson told me how lucky he is to have such a strong support system behind him, that it’s so rare to see everyone in divorced households get along, set aside their differences, and truly do what’s best for the kids.
None of this would’ve been possible without a ton of communication, and even more patience. Talk to her, and get to know her. It will help ease your mind, and truly get a better picture of what is going on and how she feels. You’ll be doing your kids a huge service by working to get to know her, and hopefully, eventually, get along with her.
Start with something small, during the next drop off, compliment a shirt she’s wearing, talk about the weather, talk about something cute one of the kids did…. Anything to show you’re open to communication. It will probably be awkward, and it’ll take time before it feels comfortable, but it will be worth it. The boys’ mom and I now talk frequently, about anything from a new wine we’ve tried to things going on with the kids (we even have a group chat with all three of us that we use to communicate), and it’s made everyone’s lives soooooo much easier…. A little kindness goes a long way.
I wanted to share my story, since it’s from the “other side”. I don’t know if this helps, but I hope it does.
Good luck to you!
Can you have coffee with her? As a bio mom and a stepmom figure, I’ve been on both sides of this. The faster you can all be nice and communicate with each other, the better it is for the kids (and adults)
Say something like, hey… we’re going to be in each others lives for a while, I’d really like to have a good coparent relationship with you.
You’re going to have to let go of some of your stuff though, also. Like it or not, she’s their stepparent, and she’s involved…esp if she watches the kids while their dad is at work
A side note, as they are married, I think it’s unlikely the judge would rule for you to get them when dad is working. Right of first refusal usually applies to babysitters, etc, not a stepparent..in my experience anyway