TLDR: SO doesn’t like hearing me out during arguments. I can’t express myself. I’m unattracted to her now. Not sure where to go from here.
Me(28M) and my SO(32F) have been together for 6 years, living together for 4 years. She is about 4 years older than me and has more experience in serious relationships than me. This is my first serious relationship. Throughout my life, I had always been quite passive due to being raised by critical parents and siblings.
Truth be told, after 6 years of being together. I had always felt like I couldn’t express myself when it comes to fights, because she was always attacking my points or she doesn’t want to hear me out. When she feels like she heard enough, she tells me to stop talking and go away. And trust me, I’m using my inside voice and it still doesn’t work.
And yes, I had tried the method of giving both of us ample space and time to cool off. Because when you’re more composed, you can work things through more efficiently, right? Oh no, not her. She let it marinades and then asked me why I “put it off” for all this time. I was tired of arguing until 1 am or 2 am in the morning only to go to work exhausted in the next couple of hours, that’s why I “put it off”.
It’s really sad, because when I sense an argument coming up. I already know how it plays out and what she’s going to say.
So I programmed myself to be the bigger person all the time with the exception of when she is CLEARLY in the wrong. So I would just apologize and move on even when it was her fault or both of our faults. And she rarely apologizes when we’re both at fault.
What really gets under my skin is when I apologized (even though I was in the right), she’ll accept the apology and asked me to acknowledge that I was actually wrong.
This has negatively affected my relationship to the point where I’m no longer attracted to her and have to pretend that I still am.
I don’t want to make her sound like the villain here, I am not perfect myself either and had made mistakes in the past. In an effort to improve myself and my relationship, I have been listening to relationship coaches and experts. But my SO makes fun of me for doing so and is way too stubborn to want to try these methods.
Any advice and thoughts?
28 comments
You break up and move on. You don’t even like her. Why would you stay?
IMHO, making oneself small is not the healthiest way of being in a relationship. This is not being a bigger person. I take the measure of how good a relationship is by how we deal with our differences.
*she was always attacking my points or she doesn’t want to hear me out.When she feels like she heard enough, she tells me to stop talking and go away.* … *my SO makes fun of me for doing so and is way too stubborn to want to try these methods.*
Just from this tells me that this is a person who I would not want to be with for the rest of my life. The fact you are no longer attracted to her is telling. I would not be happy with such a partner.
Bottom line: you want to work on the relationship. She doesn’t.
For any relationship to work, be productive, and allow all parties to experience growth, everyone has to want it to work.
This relationship does not allow you to grow. I’m not saying it was never a relationship that allowed it, but as people grow emotionally, their relationships change.
You know what the answer is here.
This is not healthy. Your partner’s way of handling things is abusive and wrong. Yes, you need to stand up for yourself better but that doesn’t in any way make her behavior acceptable. If she doesn’t see that her behavior is a problem you can’t improve it.
You need to get out. This is no way to live and you deserve better.
You sounds like you’re done, bro. Why are you holding on?
Ah man I feel this. Eventually ended an abusive relationship and after a while met this great guy who listened to me, didn’t shout at me, broached topics sensitively because of my history etc. it makes a world of difference OP. I hope you find someone like that.
Sorry, it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all. If you think your partner has the potential to be mature, is willing to go to couples/individual counselling and listen to a third party who can hold a mirror to her – that might work. But otherwise, best for you to leave this and follow your peace.
Dude your living my life minus the ages. And it only gets worse. Being woken up in the middle of the night, nasty texts when you go to bed, accused non stop, always told you have ti apologize for any issue she has with you but never has to apologize for anything, she could clearly be caught cheating and it would be you apologizing for not doing something right causing her to cheat.
This sounds very similar to the relationship that I am in the process of ending. It has been 4 years of him lecturing me, talking at me instead of with me and just a stream of never ending abuse. I chose to keep my own home and not move in with him, but every time I try to end the relationship, he relentlessly calls, texts and shows up at my house uninvited. I have been almost completely no contact with him since the beginning of February and he is still trying to get me to speak to him, but I truthfully CANNOT even deal with listening to his voice anymore. We were in counseling together for over a year and there were some improvements, but I feel like most of these changes he made were more to manipulate me further than any real attempt to change. Stop apologizing for things you have not done and things that were not your fault. It’s pointless. And don’t wait for apologies from them that will never come. They are not sorry, their behavior will never make sense and there will be no closure. JUST LEAVE. It’s the only way.
I went through the same thing with my first serious relationship. I was never allowed to defend myself and every piece of conflict had to turn into a fight. I started not bringing up stuff that hurt my feelings because I knew they wouldn’t listen.
I started making pros and cons list or reasons why I should stay or go and spend hours and hours miserable and trying to decide if I should try harder or give up.
It hurt to much because I loved this person so much. I wanted to be the stronger person and tell myself I could handle this and help them work through their problems. I also tried getting them in therapy and nothing worked.
I reached a breaking point and ended things. It was ugly and they ended up hating me and decided I must’ve met somebody else because why else would I leave.
But trust me man, you’ll feel so much better. It sounds like you have good communication skills and handle conflict pretty well but you need two people to make a relationship happy.
I’d maybe get a therapist of your own or talk to friends about it, but in my opinion, you’ll probably feel happier without her. Good luck.
The problem isn’t that you fight or even who is wrong (you this time, her next time, etc). The problem is *how* she fights. 1)Rarely taking responsibility, if ever. 2) No interest in reading self help stuff together to get you all on the same page. Instead she laughs & mocks it. 3) Telling you to shut up. 4) Letting things marinade & coming back with toxicity. You probably don’t feel heard or understood. She might change a little, but won’t ever be the emotionally intelligent, introspective, reasonable, non volatile, understanding person that you want . The person you can talk things out with calmly & both ppl feel heard, the person that gets you, the person you want to build a life with & have a family with. That’s not her!!
She is the villain. You deserve a relationship built on love, support, and MUTUAL RESPECT.
ThInk about your future self. Is this something you’d want to deal with when you’re older? Also It’s ok to have negative/undesirable emotions when leaving someone. But regardless it seems you’re the only one making an effort to improve the relationship and that alone should tell you all you need to know. She’s a grown woman, what you see is what you get. There’s really not much growing as she’s already grown and it’s not up to you. It sucks but you’ll forgive yourself if you do what’s best for you.
>This has negatively affected my relationship to the point where I’m no longer attracted to her and have to pretend that I still am.
Why are you pretending? It’s time you get super honest with her about how you’ve been feeling. If she won’t hear you out, write a letter. Narrow it down to your core points so the messaging is clear. Avoid attacks. Just state facts and speak in I statements. I think you have two options here. Just end it or demand couples counseling. And state your goals for couples counseling as “crisis counseling to save our relationship. We need to learn healthier communication and heal the lost attraction I feel due to the lack of accountability.”
Her age and serious relationship experience a worth shit all. Morons come in all ages and relationship lengths.
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She sounds very much like an abusive narcissist, and my unhumble, judgemental opinion is harsh. Still, I get it, I have had that treatment, and I found that I come off like a wrecking ball myself.
This is to say, that I don’t come from a place e of perfection, but if you plan on a wife, children, etcetera, this needs A LOT OF WORK.
Maybe she’ll start to notice that something is off when YOU STOP APOLOGIZING, and stand your ground on the moral issues. If she has a cow, you know that you have gotten her attention, somewhat.
This relationship is only working because you are lessening yourself. You don’t want to deal with her rocking the boat and you are trying to control it for both of you. Please get out of this relationship, I promise there are people out there who will respect you.
Sounds like you left your critical family for your critical SO.
What are you DOING?
>I’m no longer attracted to her and have to pretend that I still am
No, you don’t.
OP,
i think you know this relationship cant stay as it is. Things have to change.
And it is not you that has to change.
A respect and honesty are the foundation of every healthy relationship.
There for both partners need to be at first honst with them self and respect them self.
Only than bothe can be honest with each other and respect each other.
OP, you need at first respect your self and be honest to your self only than your GF will respect you or she will not but than you need to do what your selfrespect demands from you.
What i would do now. I would wrote down all what i have to say, it might be a letter. I would wait some days and reread the letter and check if this is i would want tell my GF before i hand it to her.
This letter is the start for an upcoming talk. BUT i would not talk to her about it before she had several days to think about what you wrote down. No direct discussion. She need to have time to let it sink in. You might think about to demand a written answer to avoid heated discussions…
For the upcoming talk i would set a few rules:
Ifshe is becoming emotional agressive you stop the discussion and leave the room. If she interupts you, you stop the discussion and leave the room. YOu dont accept any disrespectfull behavior. If she starts to whine and accusing her self etc. you stop the discussion and may comfort her but you should be honest in this cases, even it would hurts her.
​
What your target is, depens on you. You might find it out when you write it. It might be the breakup or a “reconsiliation” with her changing….
OP,
i wish you all best and stay strong.
Sounds like only one puts effort into the relationship.
So does she put you in doggy? Or do you put her?
Why are you still together? Sink cost fallacy perhaps?
This is so gross. I hate this for you. Just leave.
If you don’t have children yet, just run bro. You don’t need this crap in life.
My ex was terrible in arguments. His goal was always to WIN the argument, not find a solution. Toward the end, I would sit and allow him to verbally excoriate me. Why? That was the only solution.
Walking away didn’t help. Taking time to think didn’t help. It all revolved around him trying to verbally bully me into seeing things his way. People like that don’t care about how you feel. All they want is for life to be their way. My ex didn’t feel better until he had chewed me out for about an hour. It was torture.
I am in a different relationship now. We can talk about things. We haven’t even had a real argument, because we can discuss the issues. Find someone who wants to work with you.
I was married to a person JUST LIKE THIS. I think back and wish I hadn’t plowed through more red flags than a slalom racer and just gotten away.
Hard truth, you aren’t going to be able to “fix” anything here. Just worry about *you*.
Please stop apologising and take stand for yourself. Trust me, I’m going through the same thing.. you cannot win with that kind of person, you’ll end up feeling emotionally drained and detached with her over the time.. it’ll come down to a point where you won’t care for her feelings at all. I know it’s really hard to stand up for yourself when they’ve made you feel like it’s always your fault over n over.. it’ll put your self esteem down. I really hope you get the courage to leave her and heal from this.