we’ve been dating for 2 years and we are also in a long distance relationship. through out our relationship he has given me 1 silent treatment for one month just for such a trivial thing ( later he apologized saying he was just projecting his stress on me ). I seem to notice that whenever he get upset or mad at me he just leaves and go silent.
last week I was upset with one of my friends and I was ranting it to him and he kinda got upset that I don’t just ignore my friend and move on. so he went offline because I was overreacting. its been 4 days since he last talked. I dunno when he will come back he hasn’t opened my messages. sometimes I had to send him messages through e mail just to get his attention ( I think he mute me on WhatsApp and messenger ). and he would just drop some cold and withdrawn message like that he’s busy or not in the mood to talk. and go offline. I feel so depressed and I dunno who to talk about this. I love him so much and I can’t just break up. I wanna find a solution. when he’s not moody its like a total different person. so loving and caring. but when he’s in this withdrawn state no matter what I say would get his attention nor his love
he’s mildly autistic. I dunno if this related that. I don’t wanna just ignore him and tell him to stay away as long as he wants. that would mean I’m also getting fed up of the relationship and I just don’t care. how can I cope with this behavior and should I confront him about this when he’s in a better mood?
TL;DR : my boyfriend is been giving me silent treatment for almost 4 days now. his previous silent treatment lasted one month. I want help with coping.
15 comments
Confront is the wrong word, but you should discuss this with him once you are talking. You should explain you understand he gets overwhelmed and wants space, but taking several days of complete no contact does not work for you in a relationship, so you want to discuss and see if you two can find a way he can cope with wanting space without ruining the relationship for you. See it as a problem in the relationship where neither of you are at fault or wrong, but you either find a solution together as a team that truly works for both of you or you break up. And you need to work together because you each know what might or might not work for yourself.
The Silent treatment is stonewalling. It is one of the 4 indicators of divorce/ break up. It is also contempt, another sign.
It is reasonable to hold a boundary that says no stonewalling Or contempt. Committed couples talk about these things and work it out. Both partners need to open up about the issue and solve it.
Or make the decision to move on.
Someone posted the other day her father does this when hes angry or disagrees. I honestly am shocked that grown men or women would act like this.
I dont have advice if you want to stay.
The silent treatment is quite frustrating when you are on the receiving end.
I’ve experienced something similar with my ex boyfriend who would ignore me for days. I would get restless waiting for a message or call. After he comes back he wouldn’t address what happened.
I would suggest to talk it out. Problems need to be acknowledged and discussed, so that the cycle does not repeat again.
Stay strong and hope things resolve soon!
You can’t fix this, and do think to yourself; if you wouldn’t ignore someone that you loved for a month, what makes you think he truly loves you since he did that?
Food for thought.
Online relationships can be amazing (all of mine started out as such), but they’re also convenient for immature people who don’t want to/can’t commit fully, seeing that it’s easy to just ignore/ghost/turn off your devices when you don’t feel like dealing. You get to reap the positives and avoid the negatives, so for your guy it’s a win/win since you just allow it. That kinda behaviour (from his side) will make you extremely insecure in the long run.
Look into co-dependency, btw!
You say he’s mildly autistic.. Do you all talk about this? Do you try to understand his autism, as this most certainly could cause him to behave as such.
This may or may not be something he can control. I have taken the time to watch Netflix dating show spectrum and my bf sister falls in that category. It isn’t easy, so try to connect and understand to see if this is a forever life that you want.
He’s upset because you’re upset at a friend, and this warrants 4 days of silent treatment? I’d consider myself single if this happened to me.
He’s too selfish to care about supporting you or helping you with your issue. He’s too immature to make his point without using manipulation. This guy is not serious about you, and if you’re looking for a long term partnership, this ain’t it.
I looked at the thread responses. So you have never actually met him?
Why would you want to be in a LDR with somebody who gives you the silent treatment?
The previous one lasted one month? After that period of time I wouldn’t even consider him my boyfriend anymore. Silent treatment is a really toxic behavior. You deserve someone who won’t use it on you. It’s abuse.
Drop him. This is such a childish behaviour
If I could have jumped back in time and told myself that my ex stone walling would never change I wouldn’t have dated him.
It never improves and it slowly chips at you. You’ll never feel important to them, you’ll never feel heard and you’ll be worried that if you bring up a problem you’ll be ignored.
You are almost 30. Find your self respect and use it to dump someone who you’ve NEVER MET who displays completely unacceptable behavior.
I’m guilty of going silent and I imagine most other men are as well. But I did it not to spite her or make her feel bad. I did it because me saying anything to her about our fight made us fight more. So sometimes its a “damned if you do, damned if you dont” thing that we dont feel like we are able to talk through. However, I wouldnt be silent more than a couple days. Never a month. Sometimes you need a day or 2 to get over it so that you can talk to one another without yelling
​
In theory, silence is VERY anxiety instilling on your partner and it makes them want to listen or hear from you. But at the same time, its very manipulative because you cant do anything to stop it. I would let him know how his silence makes you feel and take his silence as “we’re done” until he replies.
If my husband didn’t speak to me for over a week while we were long distsnce, I’d assume the relationship was over. You don’t go AWOL on your partner, just because you’re pissy. There wanting a couple hours or a night alone, and there’s intentionally avoiding them to make them feel like shit and question themselves.
He’s not doing this because he loves you. He’s doing it because he wants you to be miserable. He’s not going to change. Don’t you want to be with someone who wants you to be happy?
Have you expressed your frustration about the stonewalling and that it’s an unhealthy behavior in a relationship?