We’ve been dating for nine months and have a healthy relationship. My one issue is I’m insecure about why he is dating me. He is very intelligent, empathetic, and adventurous person (very outdoorsy and spontaneous). He has a load of friends and very interesting hobbies that they all usually do a few times a week. On the other hand, I’m not smart at all (I have a ba in literature and he has an ms in engineering), I have a lot of social anxiety and so I don’t have any friends and my only hobby is doing pottery (which isn’t interesting at all). I’m also not very outdoorsy, I love going with him on hikes or camping but I do get a bit anxious when I try new things so I know I’m no fun. Lately I’ve been insecure about why he is dating me when he has very cool, chill and cute female friends that would most likely be a lot more fun than me. I’m afraid to bring it up and sound ~crazy~ so I’m not sure what I can do to ease my insecurity.
26 comments
Your brain is lying to you. Stop comparing yourself to other people because it inevitably creates a competition that isn’t fair to you (because it is impossible to win) or them (because they don’t know they’re even playing).
Regardless of how you view yourself, your partner has chosen to be with you; if they didn’t value you or find you attractive or anything else, **they wouldn’t be with you in the first place.**
Consider therapy and stop being so hard on yourself.
He chooses to be with you, he sees something in you that you might not see in yourself. We always see the flaws in ourselves, but to other people those flaws might not exist, or they see something way different that we have not even considered.
Why are you getting so down on yourself? Your bf is choosing to be with you; if his female friends were a better choice for him than you, he would have chosen them. You have interests and hobbies and I don’t see the benefit of comparing them to anyone else’s; that’s what makes you unique. I would advise seeking out therapy not only for the benefit of your relationship, but for the benefit of your personal mental health. There is nothing wrong with you, I promise. Comparing yourself to others will always lead to disappointment.
You should bring it up. Let him reassure you why he’s with you
Maybe he thinks the sex is good?
Sounds like you need therapy for your low self esteem. If you let these thoughts eat away at you, you’ll end up self sabotaging your relationship. He’s with you because he wants to be, likes you and values you. Do you really think an intelligent person would date someone they do not like? No.
It sounds like this has nothing to do with him and only how you feel about yourself. He’s dating you because he’s into you. Try to accept yourself and understand that what you see in yourself as flaws won’t seem that way to everyone, or possibly anyone else.
As others have pointed out, you seem to be lacking a lot of self-esteem. Depending on what has caused it, it can take a long long time to build it up so you love yourself. You should be proud that you are acknowledging this about yourself and starting to get help. But it will put a strain on your relationship if you let it. Take it from someone who has been in your shoes many years ago.
And be careful to not build your self-esteem through him choosing you. You should love yourself outside of him.
If you want to talk to him so you can receive support I’d be clear with yourself on what the goal is and what you want to say. I’d suggest picking a neutral time, and depending on his needs giving him a heads up (but not in a mysterious way which could trigger anxiety) and let him know how you feel. Something like “Hey XXX, I am nervous to share this but I believe by doing so it can strengthen our relationship. I suffer from a lot of insecurity and sometimes it manifests itself with my doubting why you are with me, because I don’t feel good enough. I know that is my responsibility to improve, because no amount of affirmation from you will truly solve the root issue, but I hope by sharing this with you it can relieve me a bit and bring us closer. I want to/an doing XX,XX to work through this. Could you support me by doing XXX as it would make me feel XXX”.
Give him time to respond and have a bit of patience with him and the language he chooses. Most people aren’t stellar communicators and fumble their words. Ask what he means if you feel triggered. And acknowledge that you may hear things negatively when they aren’t negative.
A good partner for you will want to help and hear you out. If he can’t, then maybe he isn’t the one for you. That’s not a self-fulfilling prophecy but you making a conscious decision to be with a partner that suits your needs.
And please don’t become codependent on him giving you affirmations. That will not solve your issue.
Good luck! ❤️
You are smart in your own ways. Not everyone has the same set of strengths in I.Q. tests. Being creative takes its own strengths in intelligence and skills. Here is an article on I.Q test subjects. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intelligence_quotient
A true connection is hard to find and is so valuable. And it rarely has anything to do with your hobbies or intelligence. You need some help with your self esteem, I’m sure you’re smart anyway, just a different kind of smart. Don’t sabotage yourself.
Fun/cool/chill is why someone is your friend. Compatible is why someone is your girlfriend. There is so much that goes into why two people may end up together — communication, sex, finances, reliable, shared values, etc.
You may be very different people and he may even share more interests with some of friends than you, but don’t short yourself on what makes a relationship different from a friendship.
Start off by going to therapy. Sounds like you have some self-esteem issues and I think that you’re actually really smart!
I’m personally offended that you think a bachelors in arts doesn’t make you intelligent. You need some serious positive self-talk. If you wouldn’t say something like this to a friend then why would you say it to yourself.
I’m an introverted weirdo artist married to an extroverted engineer. I posted basically the same thing here at one point when my self esteem was at its lowest. He had female friends that I thought were way cooler than me. In reality they might have clicked as friends but would never date because their personalities were too similar- he has “golden retriever energy” likes me because I have “house cat energy” and help him relax and chill. I love hikes but I also love to treat us with a yummy snack afterwards. That’s just one example from my own experience. Maybe your guy feels like you balance him out and what you see as flaws, he sees as perks? I can tell you are empathetic and emotional, don’t let anyone tell you these are bad traits. We’re just different than the people we’re with and that’s a good thing!
Sounds to me like you think good things can’t happen to you cause you have such a negative view of yourself. He chose you for a reason. He’s with you. You clearly need therapy because you’re doing this to yourself. You should try being happy with yourself and him. You might just need to work on your mental health honestly.
Some advice from someone who’s going through something similar right now:
**Trust**. That’s one of the most important parts of being in a relationship. You have no idea what he thinks or why besides what he tells you. It’s anxiety inducing, I know–but you can’t control for it. Stop trying.
**Communication**. You have anxiety. You can work on reducing it, but it’s a core component of who you are. If he can’t deal with that, then you are not compatible. Hiding a part of yourself from your partner serves no one and will ultimately destroy your relationship. Let him know you have self esteem issues and that you may seek validation from time to time.
**Self Awareness.** Make sure you have it. I have severe social anxiety that affects me daily. One thing I’ve come to learn is that my feelings might be valid, but my action/reaction to them are often not.
* Telling your SO that you’re feeling low today and could use some validation is good.
* Remaining silent and acting miserable and sad, then getting upset when you’re not getting positive reactions from your SO is not good.
Most of us are treatment resistant when it comes to mental health. We like to pretend there are issues where there aren’t and ignore the actual problem. If you find you have an excuse for any solution someone gives to you, that should tell you there’s a problem with that facet of your life and you’re actively avoiding it.
Learn to view things from a positive perspective instead of hanging your own sad cloud over your head. Celebrate the parts of yourself that you like and work on the parts you hate.
It may seem impossible at times, but sustained change comes from repetition. Belief will come with time. Extreme negativity is often a selfish choice and it makes life miserable for you and those around you. You have to put in the effort, but it’s ultimately worth it.
You sound like a nice and interesting person, don’t talk so down about yourself
He probably dating you be ause you got a dump truck ass
This happens to me in every relationship I’ve been in and I’ve always self sabotaged myself by believing my assumptions(even when I have talked about it with them and they’ve reassured me.) Unless he’s showing signs that he’s losing interest in you or isn’t respecting you, then I would suggest to just trust that he’s with you because he truly cares for you. I know it’s easier said than done, but if you dwell too much on it, it will ruin things for you.
it’s in your head girl, relaaaax
girl take back the pottery isn’t fun comment, I recently picked up pottery because it looked soo cool and it is soo yeah
but yeah, you’re not giving yourself enough credit, start looking for a therapist
My girlfriend is a 10. She has a stable job and is doing well in life. Guys hit on her constantly, from models to millionaires that offer her a monthly paycheck to date them. She chose me because I make her feel respected, safe, and that someone genuinely cares about her. It’s not always about achievement, when it comes to relationship it’s about who makes you feel happy. And you must make him happy, so there is no reason to doubt it. Instead of thinking about what he has, think about how you make him feel?
You get help. Your mental health is your responsibility, no-one else’s. If you know that it’s letting you down, take action. This is nothing to do with your boyfriend and everything to do with you.
Sweetheart, you need to find a therapist.
I’m only on my first semester for my masters in applied behavior analysis, so I’m not going to start spouting armchair bullshit because I’m not certified to. But, hun, please do yourself the favor. These are not healthy thoughts and you need to find a system to start working on it, or it’ll always hold you back. Everything you say just points out how you’re not the person you think you want to be, comparing yourself to others who you *think* are doing better than yourself.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
*Choose* joy