tl;dr Is my situation salvageable? Should the values goes over the love compatibility?
I am considering breaking up my relationship with my girlfriend and could use some advice. We each have two young childrens in shared custody. So 4 kids (5,5,7,7).
Short story in a nutshell:
When we met more than 3 years ago, we discovered an incredible sexual synergy. And of a compatibility of character. She is a calm and relaxing person, something I needed.
It was a revolution after my previous relationship of over 15 years.
Then 2020 arrived. At the beginning of the COVID crisis, she asked me to come and live with her children (at that time she had full custody of them). I accepted. We lived together for 6 months, with her children (and her cat!). Under the stress of the COVID we did a great teamwork. The kids got along great, there was work on both sides. It was an incredible test for a possible family life. Then after a few months she returned to her home (which she had kept).
A year later, her ex-spouse took over shared custody. I then made a serious mistake: I pressured her to synchronize our custody (4 childrens at the same time, none the other week). For me this was the solution because during the 6 months period of covid there were no problems. We had 4 children one week, then 2 the next. And in all honesty I think she would have preferred 2/2.
Then, as the deadline for her renewal of her appartment lease approached, I suggested that we live together in my house. I proposed to her to make a contract of common life in front of notary, to offer her one year were I would cover the costs of the house to help her delicate financial situation, then eventually to give her shares of the house so that it becomes legally hers and thus to build her a capital.
She moved in with me. Without the stress of the covid things were very different. She did not feel at home since it was technically my home (but did nothing to change the situation). She made no, but no effort to get closer to my children. Never in 8 months did she do a single activity with the 4 kids, while I did countless. To my great fault I had an unrealistic vision of a family, too much like in the movies.
Let’s rule a few things out here. My children, as far as I can tell, are average in terms of discipline for their age. It doesn’t help that their mother (my ex-spouse) has difficulty enforcing discipline (otherwise she’s a good mother). So it’s on my shoulders.
But it also means that when we return from joint custody, we have to start all over again with discipline. But my girlfriend childrens are more disciplined than mine. This creates a clash.
The months accumulate in this attempt to live together and the situation becomes tense. Her cat also became a major topic of discussion: it attacks the childrens (mine and hers), but she continually defends it rather than educating it. Then after one attack of too many childrens she loses patience and decides to give him up for adoption.
It is the crisis. She is no longer able to endure the screams of 4 children giving off energy at the same time. She hides with her children in their bedroom.
There is however a solution that I propose to her but she does not want to look upon: no constraint prevents her ex-spouse from reversing the shared custody so that we have two children at all times which would decrease the combined “energy”.
The situation is no longer livable, we agree that it would be better for her to return to live separately.
We agree to continue to spend one week out of two at my place, then the other week each separately with our childrens. And to sprinkle some activities all the same with the 4 childrens.
(I want to say here that I have no justification for this to be at my house, probably misplaced pride on my part because I am proud of my house that I built with my own hands).
But none of this materializes. I help her to move into his new home. Then the first thing that happens: she buys a cat again. For two months I get only text messages because she is too busy with it. We don’t see each other anymore. My children wonder if they will see their friends again. Far from living together every other week!
We end up seeing each other and I’m crushed. I tell her that it is not possible for me to continue a relationship once in a while. I’m looking for a partner, not just occasional sex. I want to team up with her and build something in life, have projects.
So I suggest this: ask your ex-spouse if you could reverse the custody (so that we have two children at all times) to solve the problem of the childrens. Then, to solve the problem of the house that is not hers, I suggest that we buy a piece of land together and build a new house within two years.
But nothing happens. Yes, at the very beginning she texted me more frequently and came to see me a little more often, but then the excuses kept piling up. Sick cat, sick kids, sick her. Etc. At the beginning I am understanding, but after 6 months the excuses become more and more heavy.
Which brings us to now. I am depressed. I am not happy. I am afraid to be alone again. I am afraid to end my days alone. But I love her, her character, when I am with her I am zen, I am happy. She continues to text me every day. But I’m not looking for a relationship by text…
We just don’t share the same core values at the end. I need to be a team with my partner. I need to build something. But now I’m back to step one in my relationship. And I don’t know what I want anymore…
Thanks Reddit!