Edit: I believe someone shouldn’t change for anyone else I’m not expecting her to change for me and neither should I. Bad title wording in my part
For context I’m 20M haven’t dated she’s 19F has dated. I had a crush on her for the past 2 months (well I still kind of do) on her before I found out she smokes. I have been trying to look past this fact but I know it’s not healthy to fall for someone different. we have been talking pretty consistent in person for about 3 weeks and I know she’s into me based on what she’s told two of my friends and they’ve told me. She also knows I have a crush on her, but that was before I found out she smokes. My problem is I think she will be anticipating for me to make a move and If that move doesn’t come she might be somewhat upset at me? Maybe think to herself if she did something wrong? I do overthink some things so I might be overthinking this. She did say she “Just got out of a toxic relationship” for context this was in response to a question along the lines of “self improvement this year” so that might have been a hint as in she’s not ready to be in one soon. And I also mentioned I don’t like to smoke or drink for health reasons. Could these be subtle inicators that we aren’t going to be compatible? Would it be bad if I decide to be friends with her even though I have some feelings for her but turned off by her smoking? I’m just very conflicted because I haven’t dated anyone and I thought she could be the one because she’s nice, pretty, good conversationist, empathetic, except she smokes. Have you been in a similar situation? What would you do?
TLDR : I found out the girl who I’ve had a crush on for the past 2 months smokes. She knows I like her. I know she’s interested in me but I’m not sure if I should tell her or when I should I tell her that I find smoking a turn off. My fear is that she might be upset at me or herself If I don’t make a move. It is it healthy to want to continue to be friends with her even though I still have some feelings for her but I’m conflicted?
15 comments
It’s healthy to be with whoever you want, for whatever reason. If smoking is a deal-breaker, do mention it casually so she knows.
I was once in the exact same situation: I was the smoker. I was bummed when he let me know he didn’t like it, but at least I knew the reason why we didn’t hook up.
I would just tell her.
It’s better for her to know the real reason and maybe she might even do something about it but if you don’t tell her why, she might worry it’s something worse about her and be more damaging to her esteem in the long run, because at least smoking is something she can do something about.
it’s a crush. that lady ain’t quitting for you.
“Hi I have a crush on you but I don’t like smoking so you should stop.”
Lmao no.
So I’m worried this will come off as condescending but I wish I had learned this at 19: it’s fine to have any standard for a date but it’s on you to find people who meet those standards before you date them. It’s also fine to change those standards just don’t hold it against the person later.
Smoking is so trashy. Find a quality woman.
Sometimes wisdom shows in the form of knowing when to shut up.
Sounds like she knows how you feel about smoking, so no further explanation needed. If she asks you out or something, I wouldn’t phrase it as “smoking is a turn off for me.” Just say you like her (if you want to let her know that part) but you don’t date people who smoke.
As others have said, she knows smoking is unhealthy so you’re not doing her any favors by letting her know this. It’s not a secret in 2022.
How about you just don’t ask her out instead
Your inexperience is making you turn this into more than it is… it’s really not a big deal. But how deep could your crush be if you didn’t know she smokes? I don’t think you need to tell her anything. It’s a *CRUSH*, not a date you’re backing out of.
If you don’t want to be with a smoker, do literally nothing. Don’t ask her out. Don’t say anything to her about having a crush on her or not liking smoking. Mind your own business and leave the girl alone. Stop making up problems. If you wanna be friends, cool, do. If not, don’t.
Just be straight forward and let her know that you were interested previously, but that smoking is a dealbreaker for you. Let her know you’re not asking her to stop for you, but that you wanted to let her know why you are no longer interested in dating. Otherwise if you just stop communicating, you’re going to look like an asshole that led her on.
You don’t have to ask her out at all . If she’s upset then you didn’t ask her out, that’s just something that people will experience in life. She can ask you out if she wants to.
You can still be your friend and chat with her . you just don’t have to ask her out for a date.
If you don’t want to be with someone who smokes, you’re not compatible. Don’t bring it up with her and don’t talk about dating her. Look elsewhere.
Just do not date her and move on.