We all live far away from each other (100 miles), she is basically an online friend for now and has a semi-long distance relationship.
I’ve known my friend for a few years, but lately we’ve been much more close than before. We have been talking every day since may, and she talks with me about everything except intimate stuff like relationship/ sex.
She only mentioned about her boyfriend one month ago. She clearly avoids talking about her boyfriend, but one day she slipped that she texts me more often than her boyfriend, she said “our conversation flows more”.
Sometimes she gets angry with something, or something happens and seems like I’m the first person she goes.
We never flirted, sometimes we’ll say stuff like “good night” / “I like you” (as a friend) / “you’re important to me”. We talk about our problems so sometimes those words help.
As soon as she mentioned about her boyfriend, I asked if I should change anything and she said no. So I’m still treating her the same, but now I wonder if I should back off..
I don’t want to be the reason she starts questioning her relationship. I imagine her boyfriend wouldn’t be happy if he finds out she talks and probably shares more stuff with someone else.
Do I like her romantically? probably yes kinda, but I’m super okay with only being her friend since she has a boyfriend and she lives far from me.
Edit: should I back off? Reduce contact? Tell her that she shouldn’t be taking with me more than with her boyfriend?
27 comments
She is the one that should back off a little
So do you have a question or just sharing? Lol
I’d say she’s the one that needs to back off. You already asked if you should change anything and she said no, plus, if you legitimately enjoy her friendship for how it is now, why would YOU back off?
And as far as being the reason she would start questioning her relationship… that’s on her, because you’re just being you and that’s all it matters.
You’ve been friends for a few years. She’s comfortable with you, nothing really that you said indicates anything more than that.
Just ask her if she would want you as her bf
You’re probably first in line for when she breaks up with her BF
Seems like she needs your friendship
Ok 👍
I think you are doing the right thing by asking the questions. The reality is yes, its very gentleman like of you to reduce contact out of respect. However if you do value her friendship let her know why.
You dont want her to take interest in you because she realizes you have a conversationalist quality that her boyfriend doesn’t have. If you care about her let her know that you’re there if she needs you. You may need to set boundries for your sake. If you end up together in the future you’re going to want that oragnically not because shes running from an ex.
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She’s using you as an emotional tampon for attention validation. Unfortunately, you’re the “nice guy” in this situation.
> Reduce contact? Tell her that she shouldn’t be taking with me more than with her boyfriend?
That’s exactly what you should do. Don’t try to look for a romantic thing here; just keep her as a friend only, so that means having some healthy boundaries as you already know.
You should back off because you’re catching feelings whereas it doesn’t look like she is. It won’t end well for you.
If you back off please let her know why. Doing the slow fade can be really hurtful and it sounds like you’re really important to her, so if you care about her I’d be honest.
From my point of view, it’s sad a guy and a girl can’t simply be close friends, especially if it’s purely platonic. I have a girl best friend, we’ve known each other for more than ten years and I’ll never “back off” and neither will she unless specifically asked (which will never be the case). If it becomes a clear issue I would, but it doesn’t seem to be the case for you?
Back off. If you are catching feelings its never gonna end well for you.
I have a male best friend who I text often, probably more often than my romantic interest. He is a very special person in my life who fulfils a specific role— a great, trusted friend. And often conversation flows better with him because there’s no trying to impress the other on either side; we’re just great mates. If he suddenly backed off without telling me, I would be crushed.
My advice is don’t overthink it too much right now, but also maybe back off if 1. you are feeling like your feelings are getting really serious or 2. if the conversation moves into territory that you wouldn’t be comfortable with a partner having with someone else. As long as that’s happening I wouldn’t say anything you’re specifically /doing/ would make her question her relationship.
I don’t see the problem with this. Deep platonic friendships should be more normalized. You shouldn’t prioritize your partner over your friends.
“For now” is in your first sentence subtly indicating you would be open to more than the relationship you already have.
You are prob deep in the friend zone bro back off, and find another shorty and friend to spend time wit
You’ve crossed no lines as far as I can tell…yet. The moment *you* start pushing or attempting to facilitate a break up, that line will be crossed. If *she* starts talking about her ideation of breaking up, remain absolutely respectful and supportive: do not use this as an opportunity to connive your way in. And just remember this: any infidelity that she’s willing to engage in, she’ll repeat with someone else while with you.
This is called emotional cheating. Women crave emotional intimacy, even more than men. She is probably only getting status and sex from the boyfriend and goes for emotional intimacy with you.
She knows exactly what she is doing, you’d better not berate her because she will only get irritated and probably not change. Just distance yourself slowly. Tell her you found a girlfriend who is a really cool girl.
Your best strategy is to work on yourself and go find someone in your area. You deserve better than this.
Back off, if you catch feelings it’ll only cause problems for you in the future. How do you think you can pursue a healthy relationship if you potentially get stuck on a girl who friendzones you?
Speaking from experience, back off
You two talk and share much with each other then why didn’t she tell you soon that she had a bf? Does she need the attention, need to talk to you that much?
Back off dude. This lady is confused and she’s just gonna mess with your head. You don’t need that shit
Its called a textual relationship. She’s using you to fill the gaps in her real relationship.
Lol you are misreading this. You are her texting buddy, not a romantic option for her and you are the one catching feelings. Save yourself the heartbreak and stop being her texting buddy
If you back off, don’t just fade away. Make it known why. It hurts a lot when someone you felt connected to (friend or otherwise) just starts to feel more and more distant every day
she’s thinking about cheating with you