I’m broken, confused, and sad. I don’t know what to do and I still believe in hope

I am a 23 (M) that met my ex (25F) around a year ago and we were a LDR. In the beginning I saw some red flags such as fear of commitment and trust issues. She even said she is a little stubborn and hard to deal at times. I overlooked all of these because our chemistry was so good. Over the past couple of months we had small fights that blew up out of proportion due to lack of communication. I also found it confusing because she did not want to have our relationship labelled in the beginning, but everything we did was like one including exclusivity. At times when we fight, she would just be silent while I did all the talking for us. I would try to figure out what she’s feeling, but at times she would respond with “I don’t know what you want me to say” or when I ask her about her feelings she would respond with “I don’t know.” Sometimes these fights would lead on to her saying that we were not compatible and her figuring out why our relationship might not be working. Although with all these fights, there were many good times too. We visited each other every month for at at least a week. She even planned a surprise birthday visit and got all my friends to play along with it. It was one of the most special moments in my life. I never had someone do that for me and it made me really happy and grateful that someone would do that for me. Anyways, she tells me she is not a jealous person and is fine with me hanging out with other girls, but when it happens she becomes jealous. She is very loving, but she has a difficult time making boundaries with her friends.

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She would end up falling for peer pressure to go out even when she didn’t want to. Since this was my first relationship, I was inexperience in what to do in a relationship. One day, we were going to plan a vacation together. She told me that she was very stressed and busy with life. She was overwhelmed due buying a new house, trying to work on her career, and many other external factors (She tries to be independent, but she makes poor decisions that continues to stress her in life). I asked her if we could meet up sometime this month. She said probably not. I asked her when will we see each other. She later got aggravated and said “you know how busy I am, why do you keep asking to meet up?!” I was so confused with her reaction. I always asked to meet her because I missed her. Usually when I ask to meet up, I always give her the option to reject because I know how busy she was. She took it as pressure and broke up with me. I was completely taken aback because all I really wanted to do is see her cause I love being with her. She told me that it was the wrong time. She also told me that she has no time to go through bumps together. I tried to compromise suggesting a break and coming back once she is ready.

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I have always told her that she should prioritize her career and family first before our relationship. I am one to believe in supporting one another in their own individual goals because if one of us succeeds so does the relationship. She was hell bound on not taking a break. After hours of trying to fix things, I gave up. The next day, she asked me if I wanted to go on the very same trip that we were going to plan, but this time she planned it all herself. I felt destroyed, heartbroken, and sad. It made me feel like we broke up for nothing. I felt insulted and hurt. I ended up going to the trip with her and her feelings came back. We were not back together yet, but everything was the same.

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A few weeks past after the trip, she was clingy, talking about the future, and everything. At this point I was so confused where we were at. I wanted a relationship with her, but it feels like she just wanted a relationship without the commitment. Later on she ghosted me because I was not giving her enough attention and priority. I tried every possible way to talk to her, but she wouldn’t respond. The ghosting fucked me up bad because it left me with figuring out what happened all by myself. I was so stressed and anxious that it affected how I eat and live my daily life. During this time I learned about Attachment Theory and found out that I was an AP and she had traits that were similar to that of an FA.

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Later on I contacted her friends to talk about what I should do (She doesn’t like me talking to people about her problems). Later on she finds out from her friends (big mistake on my part to go to them in the first place) and gets upset with me saying I broke her trust and everything. During this time, she was cold to me. No emotion whatsoever and it fucked me up. Seeing someone who shows they love you with so many emotions only to shut down during the break up was the most traumatic thing I have witness as a person.

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Since we were not in a relationship, I reconnected with an old female friend that asked me out a long time ago. I considered her as a friend only and my ex knew that. Once she found out, she was extremely upset with me hanging out with her. She said things like “your so disrespectful, I would never do that to you” and “are you just being petty?!” I was so confused why would she be so upset with me hanging out with an old friend. There was nothing between us and if there were, why would she be so mad? We are not together anymore. This led her to deleting me and blocking me on social media. I was so sad cause I love the girl so much. I knew she had trust issues and has a hard time being vulnerable. In the past she would open up to me and it gave me hope because I wanted to be the person that is willing to work for both of us. It was the past that kept me going and giving me hope. It was the good times, the happy times that was so worth the emotional turmoil. 2 weeks past and I noticed she started unblocking me.

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She later contacted me about sending stuff back to each other, but we really didn’t have anything special. This was an opportunity to talk again. We talked and she cried saying how much I hurt her and everything. She also said why I didn’t contact her during the 2 weeks. I responded with “would you contact me if I blocked you and remove you from everything?” She said “I didn’t block you on cellular, you could’ve texted me or called me. You didn’t even try!” She even said she had nightmares about me. Anyways, we ended up agreeing to take things slow. In the beginning she gave me hot and cold reactions, which lasted for about a week or two. She told me she is trying her best to not to be triggered by being with me. This goes on for a month. I asked her to meet up a few times but she said its “too soon.” She says that I may be ready to meet up, but she isn’t. I understood where she was coming from. She was annoyed about me asking at times. I only stated that I just miss her a lot and that I shouldn’t feel wrong for feeling that way. I would also asked how she feels at times when we talk. Her response would be “I can’t tell you because you will use it against me.” At this point, I just tried to enjoy the moments we have together. She later had covid and during this time I took care of her by sending her medication and food since we were long distance. She was happy and affectionate. She was upset that she got sick because she had so many things to worry about. I knew that once she felt better something was going to happen. Once she got better, she went back to work.

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3 days later she called me saying she sees how I am trying, but for some reason she doesn’t feel the same way. She says she has lost romantic feelings towards me right now. She said that it doesn’t feel natural with the ways we are going right now and it was because that she knew I wanted to get back with her. She felt pressure and didn’t want to string me along. I responded with “aren’t we taking things slow?” Why would it matter if I have feelings for her? She even said “if I wanted to be in a relationship with you right now, you would not hesitate to say yes.” The point of taking things slow is to see if we can be together or not. It takes both of our feelings in consideration. If things work out, it works out. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.

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I thought it would be pressure free. I reassured her that the nice things I do to her is from my heart and that I am not going to use it against her for not being with me. Later on she says she sees no future with me. I asked her in what way and she responded with “I guess everything.” I later told her something I was going to say, but I felt like my thoughts were jumbled up and that I decided that I will talk to her tomorrow about it when I recollected my thoughts. She got upset and responded with “why can’t you just say it now and be over with it!?” I was hurt because I just wanted to state my feelings. I stated in the past when I wanted to see her, she said she was busy, but during the time we were dating, she was facetiming me all day. On the weekends she would hang out with her friends. I told her that when I saw her hang out with her friends I felt sad because I wanted to spend time with her in real life too. She responded with “What? I can’t hang out with my friends? I prioritize you all the time, etc. I told her that I was just saying that I wanted to use the time to meet up irl instead of just spending time over the facetime.

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She later said that she felt like I did not care about her. She also mention one day that I didn’t contact her and prioritize her. The one day I was busy with life because my grandma was being hospitalized along with other stresses in my life. I also was not feeling myself. I acted rude to her a little, but I apologized and took accountability. The way she said it was implying that I never prioritize our relationship as a whole, which is not true. I told her that if we wanted to move on from this, then we should just agree that we both got hurt and move on from it. She responded with “do you think our pain is equal?” I told her that it isn’t, but we shouldn’t try to make it a competition about who got hurt more. Every argument we had, I apologized, took accountability, and strive to fix the issue. It was not enough for her. She struggles to see any good intentions I do and see’s it all in a negative light at times. She has blamed me and find it difficult to forgive me even if it has been months since whatever argument we had.

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Although, she has done very mean and rude things, I have never brought them up because I forgave her without saying it. I then told her that I do care about her and listed these things that I showed that I care. She responded with “you’re now using those nice things you did against me,” which is not true at all. I just stated my actions to her that what she thought was not true at all. Anyways, it kind of got heated and I called her immature/toxic and things went spiral. The next day, I sent a paragraph stating my feelings and hers as well about how things will not be fixed if one of us holds a grudge from the past.

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At this point, I don’t know if she deactivated or she really moved on. I really love this girl. I know I find it hard to leave this toxic relationship, but I still find it worth it to try with her. I am trying to be supportive and understanding as much as I can, but its hard when she gets defensive at times. I understand that trauma is no excuse for everything she does, but I still love her a lot. I know the best thing is to leave, but I’m here to ask what I should do next. I have been giving her space for the past week, she didn’t react to my paragraph. Later I sent one last message wishing her good luck on her upcoming exam, which she responds with the Imessage “love” reaction.

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TL;DR

LDR ex girlfriend for 8 months states that she lost feelings for me and doesn’t see a future with me. She is mentally unstable at times and struggles with stress. She has broken up with me due to stress before. I don’t know if she is deactivating or if there’s a chance to work things out. I am seeing if it is worth it for me, but I need advice what to do from here on out.