I [21M] have been dating my girlfriend [25F] for over a year now but we have been having issues in the bedroom for awhile now that I do not know how to overcome. It revolves around me feeling immense shame around sex which kills any enjoyment of it for me. Anytime we have sex, even if my gf initiates, I can’t help but feel that I am taking advantage of her or that I am being selfish by acting on my sexual desires.
I think part of it comes from a low self-esteem. I don’t ever really feel sexy and so I always feel like a disgusting pervert trying have sex with her. The other thing is that I am in college and I don’t have a job or money. This makes me feel a lot of shame as well as I can’t ever feel like a man living off of the support of my parents for the time being.
With all of this shame, its destroying our ability to have a good sex life though I have tried to find ways to enjoy it. Firstly, she likes to be dominated and I like to dominate but we stopped doing the power exchange during sex because I always felt like a pseudo-rapist. We tried having her take charge during sex, which did make me feel less guilty but I still felt shame and she doesn’t like taking charge anyway. We have tried non-penetrative sex too, which is better but I still am overwhelmed with shame afterward.
Is there anyway I can learn to enjoy sex or will I have to wait until I have graduated, got a job, and have established myself? I told my gf for the time being I don’t want to have sex which she was fine with but I am sad I disappointed her. I am kicking myself for having a beautiful woman I love want to have sex with me, and I just have to mess it up with my own issues.
TLDR; Low self-esteem is causing me to hate sex because of shame
2 comments
This sounds like something you need to talk about with a therapist. I don’t have enough experience to give much advice.
I dealt with this a lot when I was younger. It’s difficult to remember how it changed but I can say that your probably over thinking it and your probably thinking about yourself to much. Do you trust her? Do you trust that she is attracted to you? Then stop thinking about YOU not being ‘sexy’ and start thinking about making HER feel good. Trust that she wants you, even if you don’t want you.
This kinda perception shift helped me a lot. I was thinking about myself and my own anxiety too much.