I (29) asked my best friend (27)to go to a concert with me a few months ago, she agreed. So I bought the tickets. She also asked if it was ok to bring her boyfriend Bc she wanted the tickets to be his birthday present. I said sure, I had no issue with that, I enjoy their company.
My friend and her bf have a very unstable relationship for years. constantly fighting, verbally abusive to each other, it’s toxic. they are constantly breaking up and getting back together. My best friend also has a lot of emotional needs related to abandonment. and she has a good heart, but she can be very sensitive and self centered about things. throughout her relationship, I’ve played the therapist role. To the point where I’ve literally driven to her house to talk to her and her boyfriend in the middle of the night to help them make up. we talk about her relationship problems and emotional problems CONSTANTLY. It’s 80% of our conversations. and Bc I know she doesn’t have a lot of support in her life, I genuinely try listening and being there for her. I work 70-80 hrs a week, I’m incredibly sleep deprived but I still try my best to make time and talk to her for hours about what’s going on with her.
So she and her boyfriend broke up again a week ago. And once again, she was devastated, etc. It seemed real so once again, I tried to be supportive and give her advice, etc.
The concert we’re supposed to go to is tomorrow. So we’re talking about going and she tells me her ex is coming. I’m confused as to why. She says they got back together. At this point, I’m exhausted Bc it seems like no matter what advice I give, no matter how toxic the relationship gets, they get back together. And the hours I spend talking to her post breakups just feels like a waste. And at this point, I’m completely desensitized to her situation. And mentally, I just can’t give anymore time or energy into her situation when I barely have time for myself. And it’s a cycle of the same issues with her. So I told her “I love you and I want you to know I’ll always be here for you, and I’m not abandoning you, but I can no longer lend you my ear when it comes to your relationship issues. I still want to go to the concert tmrw, it won’t be weird. I just can’t talk about your relationship anymore”.
She told me “ I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t feel comfortable with us going to the concert with you anymore.” I was like….what? Essentially she explained that she either expected me to go alone or expected me to sell my ticket. Or she said I could come with them but I could stand by myself and the interactions would be weird between them.
She said I was being a bad friend for saying we couldn’t talk about her relationship.
I was incredibly hurt Bc I didn’t expect her to say that I had to go to the concert by myself. it was so hurtful and a little childish. It’s like all the time I spent supporting her before didn’t mean anything. She said “I’m entitled to my opinion. I’m uncomfortable and I don’t want to be fake. a concert is about enjoying and I won’t be able to enjoy it with you with us. But it’s all love between us”.
My opinion was this isn’t a big deal? For me, even if you’re uncomfortable, you don’t just ditch your friend, especially when the concert was my suggestion…..It felt very cold. And she couldn’t understand why I was hurt.
This is the second time something like this has happened where she’s inconsiderate about my feelings and cancelled a plan I had been looking forward to. in her mind, it’s about her. She’s felt uncomfortable by what I said and that’s all that matters. My thought is I didn’t mean anything malicious by it, nor do I have issues with her boyfriend. I was just tired of hearing the same relationship problems over and over again all the time.
The kicker is that I bought the tickets so I have all of them. She hasn’t realized that yet. I kinda want to just sell their tickets and give her the money back….but I know that would be petty.
TLDR: best friend doesn’t want to go to concert with my anymore because I’m tired of her relationship problems.
7 comments
I think i would at least distance myself from this friend. It is kind of rude that she asked you to sit by yourself.
Maybe you should just find two other friends to go or sell the tickets.
Hey just leave some time for yourself to enjoy your own time, you work too much which doesn’t even have time to rest. In my opinion she is a very toxic friend.
Your friend was very rude. You dont get a lot of time to yourself. You need to at least take a break from her. She sounds like she’s stressing you out. You do not need that stress in your life. Maybe she will realize how good of a friend you have been to her after not having you in her life. If she changes and listens to your request maybe you guys can still be friends but if not dont be friends anymore.
Ugh painful! It’s hard to express your own feelings to a self centered friend. Cuz suddenly it becomes about them again. Sounds like the other part is that you are talking about your relationship with her and then theres the concert with her and the overlap is not good timing. Perhaps your first inclination to just sell the tickets may be best?
Ending a friendship is painful too. Two people lose a friend in the scenario. But boundaries are important and you must uphold your own boundaries in your relationships otherwise you start feeling resentful or angry or like you aren’t being treated right. So be true to yourself. Ending it doesn’t have to be the answer but what you did do already was create a boundary already by saying you don’t want to always talk about her relationship. Of course she wont like it. But stick to your guns. You are deserving of a caring friendship that goes both ways.
I kind of feel like at this point you should understand that they’ll probably just end up back together anyways. You guys are both equally hurting each other in a sense. She’s wasting your time every time he upsets or breaks up with her, but you’re also not willing to support her anymore. Both things don’t feel good.
I get why you don’t want to hear it anymore, I really do. But I think you should have questioned how much this friendship actually means to you. Also, is it a friendship worth keeping?
It sounds exhausting. I think you should go to the concert and enjoy yourself.
The friendship seems very one way. I would probably give them their tickets and either not go or buy another ticket in another section.
Was in a very similar situation with a friend. She had a toxic boyfriend and they constantly broke up and got back together. The final straw for me was when he came on a girls trip and they had a massive drunken fight. I went home and knew I couldn’t be friends with her anymore. It’s been a few months and I can honestly say I’m not as exhausted and anxious. It was genuinely so relieving and I know I made a good decision to cut her off. I say go alone and enjoy the concert. I know it can be scary but I think it can be a major confidence booster. Like “hey, I can enjoy things on my own”. Or you could also give the tickets to two other friends and give her her money back. Upto you, whatever you’re comfortable with.
Also please update on what you decided to do!