My (m41) wife (f35) and I have two boys, 8 and 5. For several years, she has been asking for more kids. I do not want more. I’m happy with our family as it is. She feels like 2 is not enough, and tells me I’m denying her off her dream of a larger family and her primary meaning in life of being a mother.
She often makes comments about it being part of God’s plan that we need to have more kids, and that by resisting that, I’m denying the opportunity for children to be born into a loving family. As if there are no other loving families that would welcome children in their own families.
Recently, she’s started the process to become a foster parent.
I have no desire to be a foster parent. I think she’s a bit naive about the realities of fostering, especially the time and resources that are required to support children in the foster system. From what I understand, there can be significant requirements for appointments, meetings, visitations, etc. I’m concerned about the consequences of bringing additional kids into our home that will likely take attention away from our own kids. I’m very concerned about the lack of local support for foster families (counseling, education, etc.)
She’s taken the required training courses, and has signed me up for the next session of training. I really do not want this. I feel like this may be a deal breaker for us. Any time we’ve tried to discuss this, my concerns are dismissed as a “lack of faith.” She does not see my reasoning as valid, and basically says that she’s following God and I’m not, so I’m wrong.
How can I approach this conversation in a different way to potentially get her to at least consider my side?
Tldr: Wife says that having more kids is God’s will. I don’t want more, so I’m wrong.
14 comments
Your wife doesn’t want to even consider your side because she’s so blinded by her “faith”. Nothing you say will get her to change her mind, because you’ve already told her how you feel and it hasn’t worked so far.
Unfortunately you’re just no longer compatible. Do not let her make you a foster parent if you dont want to be. You don’t have to go along with it just because she wants you too.
Aside from the religious aspect of this, your story is exactly the same as my parents.
I wish I had a happy ending for you, although both my parents got what they wanted it was with different people. They divorced after 25 years of marriage.
She needs a course on Reproductive coercion and emotional manipulation. What a wife to have
Using religion to manipulate you and obtain her personal desires.
It must be comforting to have a wife that speaks for god.
Not sure there’s a way out of this other than divorce. Have you tried couples counseling?
Don’t worry, a foster agency will vet you too and they will not allow your wife to become a foster parent if you don’t BOTH agree. All you have to say to any agency is that you do not want to be a foster parent and your wife is doing this behind your back. Tell the agency that your household is in an unstable situation. They will deny her as long as you two are married and live under the same roof.
Your desires are valid, friend
Take thee to a marriage counselor asap.
Well, I have relatives who were the same as you. The wife wanted more children, the husband did not. The husband got a vasectomy to end the argument.
The wife seriously considered leaving, but chose to stay. Resentment quietly festered for 30 years. Now, she seriously regrets not leaving to have more kids. She’s considering divorce now, at 60, over it. It’s been the one major issue in an otherwise pretty good relationship, and it just about sunk them.
No matter what happens here, this is not going away. Even if you “win”, your wife is going to regret not having more kids *forever*. She will be crying about it at your retirement party. Trust me, I’ve been there, handing her the tissues.
You do not have to have more children, but be realistic about the consequences of your (and her!) choices. It will likely end your marriage, even if the death is slow and painful.
Yikes, I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. Honestly, I don’t see this ending well for your marriage. It sounds like she is dead-set on having more kids, and you are dead-set on not. Neither of you are wrong for those desires, but she is wrong for trying to guilt you with faith/God. I doubt you two will be approved for a foster kid, because I believe both parents have to agree/want it if they reside in the same home. I don’t know what kind of birth control methods the two of you employ, but I’m hoping she is trustworthy enough not to be the type to poke holes in the condoms, or secretly go off the pill without telling you, etc. When someone’s religious beliefs get involved, it’s usually pretty impossible to change their mind, because belief is the CORE FOUNDATION of your entire understanding of reality. Considering motherhood is her primary purpose in life, which stems from her religion, which is the fundamental basis for how she experiences and understands life and herself, I really don’t see her changing her mind or even being open to considering your viewpoint. It really truly might be a deal breaker for you two and if I were you, I’d start planning for that route. Some people suggest marriage counseling, but I don’t think marriage counseling will actually end up changing either of your minds.
NTA. The foster agency will not accept her application unless you are 100% on board. So there goes that plan of hers. Will she divorce you over this? Or is divorce not God’s plan? Have you had a vasectomy? Not having as many children as one wants, or having more children than one wants, is a very common situation. Good luck.
God’s plan…
Has she always been like this? Maybe she needs to talk to someone?
Tell the Fostering agency that you are not interested in fostering. It sounds as if you both are firmly set on what you want. I don’t see how you can resolve this. I hope she wouldn’t sabotage birth control to get her way. If you’re serious nip the fostering in the bud. She is wasting her time and wasting theirs.
Make it clear that if she continues she will be ending the marriage. I’m sorry for this, this is horrible and you’re a good father.
Best part of having kids is making them.