My Mom is normally super kind, caring and overall was a great parent while I was growing up. As an adult, we’re close, which I’m very grateful for.
That being said, she’s got a lot of trauma and communication isn’t her strong suite, so sometimes how dysfunctional she is ends up hurting me. One recurring issue has been her habit of telling me major news WAY after the fact or at the worst possible time.
Examples of this include:
1. Telling me that my grandpa (who I love and am very close with) just got out of the hospital. I had no idea he was in the hospital and he had been there for almost TWO WEEKS because he had a stroke. I didn’t know he’d had a stroke either.
2. Telling me she had cancer while I was on my lunch break at work. I had a huge presentation that afternoon that she knew about and ended up having to bow out because I was so distraught.
3. Telling me (again on my lunch break at work) that they’re selling my childhood home and I have a short amount of time to get there (from another state, 800+ miles away) to come get anything of sentimental value.
That third one happened about an hour ago and I can’t handle it anymore. She’s my sole source of family news and I have asked her multiple times to be more conscientious of how she shares sensitive topics. It’s not the news I’m upset about, it’s when she chooses to share and how she chooses to share it that really upsets me. I have a lot of trauma that I’m currently in therapy for and stuff like this really knocks me off balance.
I love my Mom, but the way these situations are being handled is taking a toll on my mental and emotional health. It’s like a nightmare game of telephone that never ends, even when I repeatedly try to set boundaries. Any advice on how to navigate this or set boundaries moving forward would be immensely appreciated – I’m lost on what to do at this point.
TLDR: My Mom tells me upsetting news way after the fact and at the worst times. How do I set boundaries and protect myself without hurting our relationship?
2 comments
People who aren’t you can be a bit oblivious to your schedule and the right times to deliver news. I think you can best mitigate this by taking initiative and checking on them when it’s a better time, for you.
Your first two examples can probably be written off by her having a lot going on in her life. The third is maybe frustrating for you…but it’s also common to treat you like an adult who can a) take initiative to get those important things while you can or b) just let them be memories. Is it possible for you to list the items that you really want so that they can set them aside for you? If you can’t think of any specifically, is it really that important to you?
I know that the first time your childhood home gets sold can be a bit jarring. I felt that way when my parents sold the house I grew up in in my 20s. But as the years went on, and I’ve moved so many more times, the emotional connection to material has really diminished. I hope it’s true for you, and I hope it helps paint these things as less hurtful.
It does sound a little bit like you’re asking your mom to be responsible for *not* triggering your traumas, which she can’t reasonably be expected to do. (At least, not when the behaviors you’re describing involve telling you family news at inconvenient times.) What you’re talking about here are more like preferences on your end, not boundaries.
These are all upsetting pieces of news, and they’d be upsetting even if your mom told you at a “perfect” time (and there’s no perfect time for upsetting news). It sounds like one thing you might do is not pick up the phone during your lunch break! You can definitely choose to talk to your mom when you have time and energy to handle whatever she might throw at you, and let the call go to voicemail when you don’t.