Thowaway because way too many people know my main, and I am a bit embarassed about such drama at this age!
TL;DR jealous at how a colleague acts, annoyed that my SO doesn’t shut it down and sad that this is becoming a focal point of our relationships fights. Is there a way I can either A) get her to change her approach or B) Me to stop letting the feelings overtake my mind – thus allowing use to get back into a positive vibe again?
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Heya, I am getting a bit desparate and need other perspective here! My main question is: am I crazy? My second question: how should I approach this situation!
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To preface: last time I was in a relationship where I found myself googling how to get over jealousy issues it took a few months until that specific partner fucked a friend and moved in with “the guy I shouldn’t worry about”. I am probably biased from this, even if it was a long time ago and I thought I had worked through it.
Anyway…..
So this Italian guy at work (we all work in the same place) has always been a bit handsy/flirty with his environment, which I previously chalked up to him being Italian (and it’s just known in the company that he is like this, and generally accepted – he has even been thrown out of bars for making people uncomfortable though – so I’m not crazy in thinking he’s a bit over the top). Anyway this was not a big problem until I noticed he was getting more and more comfortable around my SO. Like small things that in isolation seem like inoccous things, but taken together paint for me a picture that I don’t like.
Things like touching her arm when talking. Playfully tapping her back or excitedly sharing something with her. Like massaging her shoulder while explaining where exactly on HIS shoulder he had pain. Painting out the playfield of the volleyball game with his finger against her tigh moving to the upper tight (when she wore a short sports-skirt). Always gravitating towards her in social situations (especially if I am not around). Often looking at her and laughing in a funny situation. These kind of small things that by themselves don’t really mean anything, especially not for a flirty guy extroverted guy…. but I can’t stop noticing them now… I’ve also noticed that he doesn’t do these things to unattractive women, and was recently told by a female colleague that he is always touching and flirting with her too – and “has a very casual view of sex” with people…
Things came to a head for me though when he and my SO were playing volleyball at the beach for like 1-2 hours at a company outing (them together with strangers, I was there at first but decided to chill with a beer and other colleagues and lost sight of them), and when she finally came up to me to chat as she wanted to check if I was ok, he came in between us shouting about “heeeey you guys can flirt later let’s go swim now SO!” He also playfully pushed her into the water (she is not a good swimmer) and when I tried to get him to stop he was insinuating I was just some “patriarchal achetype” and should chill out more. After that incident my SO agreed that he was over the line, and when I explained that his other behaviors were making me uncomfortable she agreed that she’d talk to him about it (and explicitly told me not to do it).
A week later she still hadn’t and he now sent memes on instagram directly to her about people falling in water. I expressed my annoyance at it (probably a bit heated when I realized she A) was getting private insta messages from him, B) it was making light of an incident that I thought was nor ok (and that I thought she agreed with me on) and C) she had not talked to him about giving space, which I thought she would. Her reasoning was that she was afraid “he would take it the wrong way” and “make things awkward”. She promised to do it at the first opportunity – which never came.
This incident was over a month ago but those tiny innocent gestures of his are driving me nuts. My SO just gets sad or annoyed at me of course when I point something out, so mostly I keep things quiet, then she notices I’m off, asks why, I explain the incident and she now feels like she has this annoying guardian looking over every action with a comb to find faulths (which of course that’s exhausing, I find it exhausting and I KNOW she must too). Recently I find myself glancing at her phone when she gets messages too, as recently I picked it up to hand it to her and as I picked it up he sent a private message (about something inoccuous but just the fact that he apparently now also sends private whatsapps annoyed me – and me acting annoyed about it annoyed the shit out of her).
Today he invited her to join him to watch a volleyball match this weekend (with her coming to me to ask if I wanted to join, which now puts me in a bind as if I don’t join she’ll go 1on1 with him, if I tell her I don’t want her to go she’ll be annoyed at me and if I do join I will have to watch them get excited about it and high five, hug, touch or whatever else excited sport people tend to do. I’ve seen this kind of stuff before, but the reason I bring it up is that as she told me she wanted to go, she warned me that it might happen and asked me to be chill about it…
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This thing has now somehow ended up becoming a focal point of discontent between us. Like before the incidents a few months ago we were spending almost every day together at her or my place and talking of moving in together. After I expressed my discomfort with them, she stopped being interested in moving in and asked us to just take a step back. Then sexual interest kind of plummeted from her. Then kissing decreased. Then when we had fights about the above she said she doesn’t know why she’s feeling distant/annoyed at me, but that we should have more space so I spend more nights at home.
With those issues that came with I thought that “Ok, she doesn’t want to be with me” and I said as much that, if you want to break up, let me know (in an inoppertune moment as we had been drinking and I saw a whatsapp popping up on her phone in front of me from him). This lead to her crying and asking me how I could say such a thing, and that it’s not at all what she wants.
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End rant of pure emotion incoming – I am obviously not in a good place as I post here. Above this part I tried to break things down rationally. Below I just rant.
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Basically internet: wtf do I do? I can’t stop not feeling ok with the way he acts and that she isn’t shutting it down. I can’t help but feeling a bit weird that she changed her mind about moving in. I can’t help feeling unwanted when she no longer shows sexual interest. I can’t help feeling like it is moving to a breakup at all of the above. But I don’t want that. She didn’t either. So wtf do we do? Wtf do I do? I thought I’d finally found like true love or whatever. Someone that I synced so well with. Someone kind, smart, funny AND attractive. But then… This? This is what puts a wedge between us? Some dude with bad boundraries and my jealousy and her passiveness? Like srsly? Such a tiny thing? A pebble in the world.
I realize I am very close on the edge of ranting here…. If someone can give me some ideas on what to do that would be amazing though.
11 comments
Where the fuck do you work that people are touching each others thighs and massaging each other at work? I can’t tell if this is real or not.
I’m curious if SHE feels like it’s safe to shut him down.
He wants to sleep with her, and she’s not entirely opposed to the idea. Sorry.
I didn’t really need to read beyond the point that he was drawing a volleyball court on her thigh and she didn’t shut him down or show any signs of being uncomfortable.
I would say he’s not the “guy you shouldn’t worry about”, but is the guy “you definitely should worry about”.
When your partner gets *annoyed* with you for identifying objectively flirty behavior as uncomfortable, it seems like she’s prioritizing keeping a comfy relationship with italian dude over keeping you comfy. That would make me really angry and sad.
He IS in fact being flirty and inappropriate (if you’re telling the truth about his behavior). A good partner SHOULD identify it as such and shut it down. She’s not doing that- probably because she doesn’t want to tell this guy to back off, for whatever reason. Maybe she doesn’t feel safe doing so, maybe she enjoys the flirting and doesn’t want to, could be for whatever reason. The reason kind of doesn’t matter because she started making it YOUR problem. This guy is 100000% being a fucking flirt, and not only is she NOT shutting it down….she’s ANNOYED WITH YOU for being uncomfortable. Yikes!
I hope you sit her down and clearly lay out what is happening. The reality is she isn’t treating you right and this relationship may be over. But if she wants to stay together, tell her she needs to stop making you feel bad for being justifiably uncomfortable with men being THIS flirty with her, and she needs to start shutting that shit down every time it happens.
Dude, stop being the ”cool bf” and put your foot down firmly and tell your gf she either puts the guy down or you walk.
BREAK UP WITH THEM IMMEDIATELY
First- your feelings are completely valid. You are hurt by her not setting boundaries and are being triggered by your last relationship making it even worse.
This may be easy for me to say, but have you had a true sit down heart to heart on this issue? Not a we were drinking, or I noticed a message, or I saw so brought it up….but a let’s have a quiet evening at home so I can specifically address my concerns and talk this out and figure out where we stand. By being vulnerable and talk about your last relationship and being told he is not a guy you should worry about when in fact you were being gaslit and that was exactly a situation to be worried about. Admit that you are being triggered and want to work through this. Find out exactly why she is pulling away from you both physically (sexually) and mentally (pulling back on the relationship)- find out where her head is. I can say I would have been triggered back in the day by a BF not trusting me and feeling controlled when I know I would never disrespect myself or my BF due to some childhood BS I have going on so find out what is going on in her head.
Right now the majority of the anxiety seems to stem from you don’t know where she is at and what she is thinking. So this may be causing some overreaction…and under reaction because honestly her not hanging out with him outside of work and work functions seems like a completely reasonable boundary. It is ok to say you aren’t comfortable with her having a friendship with a guy who blatantly hits on her. How would she feel if a woman blatantly touched and hit on you and you told her “hey be chill…I want to hang out with her as friends”
And also- it may be time to talk with a counselor just to work through some of the issues from your last relationship. To learn how to set boundaries and talk through how to develop a healthy relationship.
No respect, no love, break up with her.
Did I miss it, or have you not said a thing to the guy himself? If you haven’t, you need to confront him and let him know that your patience with his antics has already worn all the way through, and if he continues, you’re going to go scorched earth on his ass. He’s openly and unapologetically disrespecting your relationship, and by direct extension, you.
Honestly your gf isn’t respecting that you are uncomfortable with another guy flirting with her. I’m sure if it were the other way around she wouldn’t be happy.
I think you need to bow out of this one. If my SO told me they were uncomfortable I’d be upset that they were upset. If I said I was going to say something I would do it.
On the nights you no longer see her what is she doing?
I actually wouldn’t be comfortable with some guy being handsy with me especially in a work place.
I’m not sure when this started in terms of your relationship but you’re only at a year and she’s disregarding you, really think if she’s the person you want to be with. I personally wouldn’t.
You should probably look for another job too, because if you do break up and they get together (I think they will) that’s going to suck balls for you to watch.
Personally I think you are overthinking it. She is allowing extraordinarily inappropriate behaviour and prioritizing inappropriate attention over your feelings. Have the big discussion – and be prepared to end things. One of the best things I did early on when I was dating was to end relationships with people who couldn’t establish boundaries. Never stay with someone who is willing to take your reasonable feelings into account only after you end things.