Hi, how much of an effort is it to stay sexually attracted to your SO as the years go by. Should it be effortless? Is some effort required? If so what kind?

Any insights are welcome.

14 comments

  1. I’ve been married over thirty years.

    I’d argue that the “automatic” attraction you have early in a relationship is going to fade, anyway. This is something called limerence, but people describe it as “being in love” or “falling in love.” It feels irresistible, and the sense of desire you get with it can make sexual performance easy: You’re *already* aroused!

    What happens, though, is that limerence fades. Beyond that, we grow accustomed to our partners. The first time they kiss you on the neck, or you see them naked, is electric because it is novel. But the 500th time? You know what to expect. it is still pleasant, but it doesn’t have the same thrill. Our bodies just don’t work that way.

    What you *can* control, though, is your *choice* to give pleasure.

    You can want to give your partner an orgasm, let’s say. You may respond to them getting aroused, by you getting aroused in turn. So it can work out for you once you start.

    Another thing to understand is [the dual-control model of sexual desire](https://www.bitchmedia.org/post/oh-joy-sex-toy-the-secret-brain-science-of-desire). Desire isn’t an on/off switch you flip; it is more like having an accelerator and brakes. Even if your accelerator is floored, pressure on the brakes means you aren’t going anywhere.

  3. Been with my wife for more than 30 years. Married 27. She’s still the hottest chick in the room with the best ass.

  4. No longer giving serious effort, or decreasing the effort, is the first sign of a relationship in trouble. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, pardner.

  5. I’ve been with my partner for over 4 years and I find him more and more attractive every day. No effort required for me 💜

  6. This is going to depend person to person and especially on how the other person keeps themselves up.

    There is a big difference in gaining some weight or loosing some muscle tone over the years. That’s just going to happen eventually. As compared to someone who completely digresses and stops taking care of themselves.

    I find my wife so attractive it is insane. My desire for her and her body are still at 100% after 20+ years of marriage. And, based on everything she tells me, I can only believe that she feels the same about me.

    In fact, I would say our desire is more now that it ever has been. We have grown together over the years. We know each other better. We understand each other better. We are more attracted to each other now than we ever have.

    Both of our bodies have definitely changed over the years. But, we eat healthy. We dress nice. We groom and bathe. We stimulate each other mentally and physically. We have a very fulfilling life.

    Setting physical attributes aside. I can’t imagine not being attracted to my wife. I still love seeing her naked. She still gives me gentleman boners all the time. I still crave her and her body. To me it is effortless.

    I think all this is, again, due to us growing together as a couple.

    Had one of us stopped growing or had regressed, I think it would be a very different story. And, I think those are the couples that end up having issues.

  7. **Here’s some quick psychology memo in the context of your question:**

    1. (It has been proven that) Dopamine response to your partner fades away with time – This is just a biochemical perspective of what other are calling limerence (or feeling of being in love).
    2. (It has been proven that) Dopamine levels are directly correlated to “uncertainty” of events among some types of monkeys and humans – Uncertainty in this context = mysticism, adventure, unknown, unpredictability, imagination, etc… (+ also this is the reason for gambling)
    3. (Current data suggest that) Humans are serially monogamous by nature – This means that coupling for life is actually against our natural instincts and desires. It is an overly romanticized notion that stems from romanticism in 18th century. Having a loving relationship from youth to end of your life is a social concept that just recently got fruition. That’s why (loving and happy) marriages are actually very hard. Because it is not natural for us to do so. It is a societal thing.

    First 2 major points lead to a very logical conclusion that – as we get to know the other person, the feeling of being in love (high dopamine levels) will generally fade away. Sure, as in every normal distribution in statistics, some people stop feeling it very soon, and some still have that feeling after 25 years of marriage – but we don’t know exactly why.

    However, from what we know we can suggest several things:

    1. Constantly improve yourself – If we are truly attracted to not just who our partner is, but also “what we can find out about him/her” then it is our job to constantly enlarge our persona so that they have “something to explore”. Don’t get too lazy, don’t become a part of the mundane, don’t become boring. So basically, explore life and who you are to the fullest, and you will always remain attractive at least in some way. Read, learn, improve your skills, be ambitious about your passions.
    2. Keep yourself in shape and take care of yourself – Of course this shares a similar premise to the first thing. Do you find fat lazy slobs attractive? No? Well, neither should your partner then. Accept that there is no “acceptance”. There is just emotions and feelings of attractiveness that we cannot control. If you don’t take care of yourself, you should not expect your partner to be attracted to you. It doesn’t mean that the partner doesn’t love you, it just means he/she isn’t attracted.

  8. I’ve never fallen out of love with my wife. I suspect that keeps my reservoir of attraction to her full. We’ve both changed over 30+ years together but she’s still that 17yo girl I fell for in high school.

    I’m not sure I’d call long term sexual attraction “effortless”. But for us the maintenance is being intimate. Remind each other how we feel. Touch each other. Hug and kiss and hold hands. Smile. She’s more than just my best friend, and I treat her as such.

  9. Relationships take work. Like anything that lasts for decades. Want to keep a car running for 50 years and still like that car? Invest in it. Keep it up. For a relationship, things are going to change over time. Your bodies will change, but your wants and needs and fantasies will change! Your boundaries will change. It takes TONS of constant communication. There’s no magic to it – it takes work. Now – the work doesn’t have to be hard a lot of the time… it just has to be done. But if you don’t do it, just like with that car, your relationship will rust. And with it, attraction.

  10. We are coming up on our 28th anniversary, living together for 34 years. We change, our bodies, our hair line. What doesn’t change is respect and understanding. Our sex life is still pretty regular, 2-4 times a week. The attraction is still there but in a more mature way, not how we were in our mid 20’s. Effort. The effort is in meeting each others needs. We still date 2-3 times a month. The vacations. The walks and talks. This is the effort. The communication through these events makes the sex effortless.

  11. There’s a great book on dopamine, the first chapter is on love and describes how we move from romantic love to companionate love and how those chemicals work. It is always something you will need to work on, love must be nurtured, but definitely check it out “the molecule of more” chapter 1 for some context on how the old brain works in relation to love and attraction and time.

  12. If you truly love someone and are a mature adult. It’s pretty effortless. Bodies change, they age, looks are fleeting. The heart, soul, and mind (mostly), should be more attractive and exciting than the body with someone you love. (30m) here.

  13. No, definitely not effortless. Check out sexologist PhD Emily Morris (podcast Sex with Emily). She talks about this a lot. For example this a very common problem for people in relationships with children because so much time and energy is taken away from the relationship. The most important organ in sex is the brain — imagination, anticipation, etc. There are all kinds of ways to build eroticism. An example: pick a day of the week (or month whatever suits you) to set aside as date night on which you are not going to occupy or worry about anything else and then in the days building up to it fantasize about what you’re going to do. You can plan out specific activities you want to try, particular fantasies, sex acts, toys, etc.

  14. it’s supposed to be effortless

    it’s supposed to be true love

    youre not supposed to marry someone because of how they look or what they have. you marry someone because thats the person you want to be with no matter what (example)

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