I’m dissatisfied with my boyfriend living with his parents and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m [F27] and he’s [M30]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months.

Technically, we live in different states and I’ve joked that it’s long distance. But we’re actually still less than an hour away from each other by car.

Basically, it’s hard to see my boyfriend as a serious relationship or even as marriage material because he still lives with his parents. His parents are not ill or in need of his help, he simply hasn’t moved out. He claims rent is too expensive.

His job is with his uncle, he gets paid months behind schedule, but he’s willing to delay getting paid to keep the business going. My boyfriend hopes that his uncle will give him the business when the uncle gets too old to run it or leaves it for him in his will, as well, so he’s very motivated to make sure the business doesn’t close because he wants to be his own boss one day.

Problem is, my boyfriend has 3 cousins (his uncle’s sons) who AREN’T in the business, who are still going to want to sell the business for it’s equipment and such (construction equipment in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, company vehicles, the property the office operates out of which is owned, etc) and I would guess that they would take issue with the thought of their father just giving the business away. In all likelihood, they’ll sell everything the business owns and it will be dissolved, and my boyfriend won’t see a penny.

I think my boyfriend is deluding himself into thinking that he’ll just be given the business. And I think he’s being taken advantage of by his uncle who just chooses to pay him later, or is just generally bad at running a business if he can’t pay employees on time.

So how does this relate to my boyfriend’s living situation?

Because he’s paid inconsistently, he can’t afford to move out. Frankly, he can’t prove to a landlord that he has a consistent income. When I moved out, I needed a credit check, 4 pay stubs, a note from my employer and a reference from a previous landlord was requested (didn’t have that but the rest was enough to get me in).

His parents are happy to have him live there because they know/think it’s helping the uncle’s business. But, my boyfriend will compare himself to his younger brother. Each brother thinks the other brother is being favoured by the family in different ways, and I just think it’s childish to be thinking about this at age 30. He has never lived alone.

When we first started dating, he told me that he had plans to move out with a friend to my city. I believed him, but that hasn’t happened. When I brought it up a few months later, he mentioned that his friend lost his job so the plan fell through. But now I have a clearer picture of what’s going on.

I have so many concerns about my boyfriend living with his parents.

– Does he know how to live independently? Cook, clean, budget, remember garbage day, how to deal with a landlord?

– Does he have healthy boundaries with his parents? Do they pop by unannounced if he lives alone?

– The privacy. There’s no where for us to have sex. I don’t want to have sex anymore at his parents place, because he shares a wall with them.

– Can he actually afford to live on his own? He says he makes double what I do a year. But that’s only when he actually gets paid. My real money is worth more than a pretend or deferred salary in my eyes. What good is money if you don’t actually have it? I think forcing him to live on his own before he lives with me is important, so that an objective party (landlord) can determine for me (indirectly) whether my boyfriend can actually sustain himself and pay rent on time every month – so I’ve told my boyfriend that before we live together he MUST live a full year independent from his parents, minimum. The reason I told him was because ‘I want to make sure he prefers living with me compared to living alone, instead of the choice being between me and his parents’ because I didn’t want to make it seem like I care so much about money. I care that he’s self sufficient, and a minimum amount of money is simply required for that.

I know the question is coming – why not just have him over more?

I live in a 100sq apartment (it’s so small it technically might not be legal) and I sleep on a fold up/down cot that only fits 1 person. But it’s *my* cot and *my* apartment. I earned my independence. I intentionally got a cheaper place compared to my income to save and come up under budget. I’m just one person, so I can afford to live in something small and make it pretty. It’s just not great to host in. If a partner of mine felt that that was unfair – like they felt a burden by having to host the majority of the time, I would consider either pitching in for groceries and chores, or maybe upgrading my place. But I’m not going to do that for someone who still sleeps in the same bed he had at 14 years old…

I just don’t know what to do anymore. He’s such a sweet, thoughtful boyfriend and a super considerate person. But he just hasn’t grown up yet. If I was in my boyfriend’s situation, I would reduce my hours to part time at my uncle’s business, pursue a full time job somewhere else, and only deal with the uncle again if he gets his shit together and presents a written offer about how the business can be mine one day, and move out of my parents house. But as it is, my boyfriend can’t even survive outside of his family. His job, where he lives, he’s just so wrapped up in it.

Meanwhile I live and work on my own and occasionally take college classes or certifications to update my skills. My job doesn’t pay a lot right now but it’s got potential and I apply to at least 4-5 higher paying jobs a month.

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**tl;dr**: My boyfriend still lives with his parents and works at a family business even though he’s being paid inconsistently. I don’t see my boyfriend as a mature adult and I’m thinking of leaving him.