How do you deal with someone who shuts you down often?
I keep having this problem with my boyfriend, when we have a disagreement I’ll bring up, “well I said/asked____” and he often says I never did when I know for a fact that I did.
Tonight’s example: were strapped on cash this week so we’re sharing a vape (I know, dumb stuff) anyway, he asked if he could take it to work with him tomorrow and I politely told him that I would really like to have it tomorrow. He kept pushing the issue so I brought up how multiple times in the past I’ve asked him to let me have it for the day, he’s never let me.
Well he’s saying I’ve NEVER asked him to let me have it for the day. Dude… I KNOW FOR A FACT I HAVE.
I know this example is lame but he does this to me often when in arguments, sometimes it’s actually serious things that he tells me I’ve never done, which can be really upsetting.
The thing is I feel completely invalidated when he does this. I feel like all attempts to solve the problem are null and void cause what’s the point in trying to communicate if he’s just gonna constantly tell me events never took place.
I feel absolutely deflated…
4 comments
Self serving, selective memory. That rarely changes
So first off, there is a term for this behavior. It’s called gaslighting. This is a manipulative and abusive Arctic that is used by your boyfriend to control you and the situation. Look up the definition. Then I advise you to start keeping record of the items you are SURE you did/said something and he says you did not. You’ll start seeing a pattern. I’m my experience, these people never change. You’re better off leaving if I’m totally honest. This is a bigger deal than you think it is.
I’m sorry I’m no help but I’ve been feeling the same way and just had to let you know that last sentence hit me in my core. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but just know you aren’t alone
My partner does similar too, I’ll be waiting for a response to a question and watching his face. He eill not say a word, and when I ask what his answer is, he’ll say ‘I said, xyz’ when he didn’t even speak. Then when I remind him of conversations we’ve had he’ll say they didn’t happen. I call him out on it so it stops for a while, then out of nowhere months later it starts again. The last time I called him out he tried to tell me that I told him multiple times I just wanted to talk and didn’t actually want him to respond to my questions (yeah never happened bud). It does make you feel crazy. I’m at the point I’m not sure I want to deal with that roller-coaster anymore.