How does one stop appearing “nice” and “shy”?

3 comments

1. Shyness is an anxiety disorder having to do with fear of being embarrassed, laughed at, or thought badly/poorly of. Niceness comes from a similar concern over what people think of you.

   A lot of these disorders come from early childhood where we were trained by parents that happiness is only possible when we please others. If for example you didn’t want to eat your food as a kid, your mother probably scolded you for being a bad girl/boy, but after you reluctantly ate it, she praised you. Over time and over thousands of repetitions you learned that “pleasing mom/dad/others equals me being happy and receiving praise”.

   This belief creates the conclusion to be nice to others because if we are nice and pleasing, others will like us, which means we get to be happy and accepted, etc. Shyness comes from the fear that we may be displeasing to others and therefore we prefer to hide than to socialize and risk being displeasing.

   So your only course of action is to challenge the belief that happiness = pleasing others. You can probably think of many instances where you did everything to please a person and they were still ambivalent to you. Or when you didn’t do anything to please a person and they still loved you.

   You also have to force yourself to face your fears. Go out and speak to 10 people about your shyness. Tell them that you have been called shy and too nice since you can remember and that it has been very taxing on you to be this shy. Most people will actually sympathize with you and not judge you. As you get over your shyness, you will also confront the belief that you have to be nice to and please others in order for them to like you. And even better, that it doesn’t matter if they like you or not.

2. Well, there’s definitely nothing wrong with people thinking you’re “nice”, but I get what you mean. You have other parts of your personality too, but somehow “nice” is the one that stands out.

   I think if you want other parts of your personality to shine as well, you gotta start speaking up more and expressing your true thoughts and opinions rather than keep them to yourself – especially when you know it might not be received well.

   The more you do that, the more people will see that while you are a nice guy, you also speak your mind and make your voice heard when needed.

3. Nice is what people say when they have nothing else to say about you. It’s not a bad thing, But it’s not a good thing either. Basically they don’t think you’re interesting.

   But there are ways to be interesting while still being shy. Do interesting things, and people will talk about you.