tldr: my boss has been making slightly suggestive comments to me and giving me unwanted attention. how do i know when enough is enough and respond professionally?
i (26f) just started working at lowe’s about a week ago. one of my bosses (40ishm) (not sure what position he’s in, but he’s over me in the department) has made some questionable remarks.
on the first day i happened to be in the break room alone when he also went on break. i didn’t think anything too strange about it initially – i just feel generally uncomfortable being alone around men.
he had asked some get-to-know-you questions, one of them being how old i was. he tried to ask it casually “yeah how old are you anyways?” but then also added how “some of them” speculated i was 19 and expressed relief that i was old enough for him to not get into trouble 😳
the conversation continued and somehow it was brought up that i used to be in band. to which he replied saying that he knew there were only two types of girls in band: the introverted gamers and the ones who “got up to trouble.”
i let a lot of these comments slide and laughed them off, because i genuinely cannot differentiate between creepy behavior and my general discomfort around guys.
yesterday, this boss told me that he would be stealing me for a painting project the next day and to dress in clothes i didn’t mind getting messed up. he also told me this project wouldn’t be at lowe’s. i spent the afternoon trying to ask my coworkers what that meant and they said they didn’t know / hadn’t had to do anything like that – which spiked my anxiety.
i packed some clothes and hoped that someone else would get taken for this project, but said boss found me and asked if i was ready to go this morning. before leaving, i was talking with some coworkers and expressing that i didn’t want to go and one of my coworkers replied that he didn’t know why they were taking me when there were plenty of other employees who could go. i ended up going with the boss, riding in his truck, to the project. the ride there was filled with a lot of uncomfortable small talk. i was relieved when we got to the project site and 2 other lowe’s employees showed up.
the project ended up being legit, but this boss kept making comments at/about me throughout the project that made me uncomfortable.
the boss hasn’t tried anything with me, but his comments and unwanted attentions are making me anxious and i’m concerned there is something underneath this behavior.
i’d appreciate any advice on how to know when too far is too far and how i should respond in a professional manner that is not prematurely assuming something from nothing.
14 comments
Hi. You have a problem. You can handle it yourself and casually say “I have a boyfriend” which should hopefully stop his advances or you can be more direct and say when a comment makes you uncomfortable. If he continues or you do not feel comfortable addressing him, you need to alert Lowe’s HR. You should document everything. Good luck OP.
“I feel like sometimes you are trying to flirt with me and I would be more comfortable if you didn’t. That isn’t something I’m into”.
Be clear and tell him that his comments make you uncomfortable. If he continues, tell HR.
Or have fun with it and find ways to also make comments but about how guys that hit on women much younger than them are desperate and can’t get women their own age. Bosses that hit on their employees are creepy and trying to take advantage of someone they feel they’ve trapped because they feel powerless and weak in their regular life, etc.
But definitely do not laugh or smile at any of his inappropriate comments. Role your eyes and act as uncomfortable as you feel. Be confident in knowing that if you’re uncomfortable it’s probably because you should be.
Edit to add: too far was honestly his first comment about you being an age that wouldn’t get him in trouble. He should get in trouble for just saying that. You do not deserve to feel this way at work.
This is going to be a bit long . Okay I will say one thing. Just because you feel anxious with someone doesn’t automatically make him a bad person that you call hr to get him in trouble. I dislike when girls automatically want to get someone in trouble , what if you suffer from social anxiety etc. Or you are over reacting, don’t listen to these comments saying to go to HR when he hasn’t done anything wrong. Don’t listen to girls advice , this is what you do.
Let me educate you on men, okay so first of all , men dk or don’t think they are doing anything wrong by flirting or saying such comments, in their minds they don’t think it is a big deal at all , also! Men cannot read verbal cues well. Women are good at that but we are not the same. We can’t really detect if you feel uncomfortable just by looking at you. Same thing as we cant tell if you Iike us or not or know when to approach.
Cut the guy some slack. Okay so first of all , you’re a cute girl perhaps, he is trying to break the ice with you, so you can get comfortable around him and everyone, normal part of every job. You gotta be wise, learn EQ , he is testing your boundaries as well, everyone does this. Now I have as a guy I have to empathize with you as well and picture myself in your shoes. Men are also manipulators as well, he is twice your age. It’s your first week, and he is already testing your boundaries from the beginning, this guy is a bit too comfortable to make all those comments in the beginning, but then again some people are overly friendly and don’t have a filter. Don’t say oh I have a bf or anything like that yet unless he ask, or tries finding out , saying that without him asking is kind of insult, because you’re jumping to conclusions and you’re making him think that you think he’s hitting on you. Maybe he is or not but you mentioning that out of the blue is awkward. Many girls dk how to handle situations and come off rude and disrespectful when one was not even trying anything. So before even saying anything. This guy here is already testing boundaries and asking questions because he is trying to read you and figure out who you are and etc. Is thus guy married? Does this guy have a girlfriend? Anyhow I would say when he talks be more open , do the opposite of what he already projected off you, he may think your shy , or introverted , quiet and etc. You being quiet all the time Is not good either, engage in conversations but try to make it work related everytime, as soon as he goes off subject try to talk about something else. You can talk a bit small talk, bit most of the time work related , don’t talk too much just a bit for him to know you and that you’re a cool person. When the conversation drifts into something else , don’t speak on it or try to do something else etc. If it’s regular small talk that’s innocent, play along and keep it short. Don’t be afraid to say no or decline favors. You’ll gain more respect, be political about it. Don’t let people guilt trip you into anything. Keep busy and do work, don’t act strange or weird like you’re running away but keep your boundaries and he would soon catch up that you have boundaries and that you’re serious and you’re there to do your job and that’s all.
I had a situation where a girl would run away when I didn’t do anything, it’s so strange that she did that and was insulting. Be a normal person not everyone is tying to get you. Be an adult , don’t get in his car no more, and get a ride in your own car, do stuff on your own , you’re a grown adult. When he says comments like that , just say are you really saying that , have a sense of humor but be serious about it. Acting shy and innocent and scared is not the way to approach it. Talk to everyone, be more out spoken act and look confident and don’t let people mess with you , it’s how you carry yourself to be honest, call him out on his bullsht on a political and smart way, let people know not to overstep your boundaries and they should respect you. Stop sweating it. He will get the point that you’re not emotionally open to date anyone and that’s not your intentions. Do not get to buddy buddy with him. Play along for now and be more outspoken on what to do in the workplace etc. Build rapport with everyone etc. You just started and are talking to your other coworkers about the boss, not good, what happens if they tell him what you said behind your back. Girl you sound a bit inexperienced in the work place, you’ll soon learn the workplace politics. Don’t gossip , which is what you did in the beginning, talk good about your coworkers and your boss and let everyone know by your actions you are there to work, not talk and make friends. I dont sugar coat. I tell it how it is. Be courteous and respectful and do your job, and don’t worry about your boss, make him know you have boundaries , don’t be rude either. He will know by your answers to his questions and you’re seriousness in some of your answers or w.e.
If he does say something nasty comment , tell him not to be rude please, you shouldn’t say that. Then say well I got work to do , do you need anything from me , are you good, okay see ya later and leave. Not exactly that but it’s a good example. There I basically put my foot down, told him in a nice way cool way not to say those stuff that you dont like it., then you changed the convo and you didn’t dismiss his feelings towards what you said and you kept it cool and continued doing your work. You didn’t make a big deal and didn’t make him feel bad as well , but at the same time you let him know, don’t do that. Do you understand what I’m saying?
It’s very important that you know how to properly communicate, if you do it the wrong way can make something small into something more than it should. If you can’t handle something like that, you will have alot of bad experiences in all your workplace. In order to be a leader you must know how to handle all types of situations, complaining to hr and other management means you dk how to handle people, you dk how to handle work situations, Yes there’s is a time and place for HR if it gets really bad. But as a leader as a person that can one day be an executive you have to know emoti intelligence , how to deal with all types of situations at the workplace , to be able to handle all the problems that arise and find solutions etc. Anyhow youl learn as you get older and have more experience in the jobs.
All I had to read was the first few sentences. If you “think he is hitting on you” then he probably is. If he is the kind of boss like I have saying you have a boyfriend will only make it worse. Just say NO. Your behavior is inappropriate and I need you to stop. And be totally prepared in your mind to stand your ground and quit if you have to. they pick up on that kind of attitude immediately. I have been here. If you feel like he is coming on to you then he is. You don’t know me but I can ask that you try this and see what happens. Just tell him to stop this behavior and you will know how. Because it’s not ok to feel like this
Please know, you are not doing anything wrong. The fact of life is that this will be the beginning (hopefully) of a lot of years working in various settings. And, our understanding of gender and relationships is changing almost daily. So a 40ish man in a retail setting may not fully understand how he’s coming across or behaving inappropriately. But may as well learn how to handle it now, because it won’t be the last time.
There isn’t even enough to get HR involved yet. First, know that you are absolutely not powerless here. You are new, and he may be above you in your ‘tree’ of managers, but it’s time to speak up. If he mentions a project, ask about it. This isn’t rude in any way. ‘Oh, what kind of project?’ ‘How many other co-workers are involved’? Ask as many questions as you can think of. People should know where you are and what you are doing, heck, YOU should know where you are and what you’re doing! That’s personal safety 101. It is also a coping mechanism for anxiety. The more you know about an upcoming situation, the more you can process it and less anxious you will be.
When he asks an uncomfortable question, look at him and say ‘Why do you ask?’ If he says he’s just making conversation, explain you like to limit the amount of personal information you give to coworkers. This should really be an attitude with everyone everywhere they work, but anyway. When he makes a comparison like you said, you can say that kind of comparison makes you uncomfortable or is unprofessional. If he pushes, you can always say that you feel your conversations are not staying as professional as you are comfortable with.
Document everything, just in case.
You will become more comfortable as you practice establishing boundaries.
You can do this, I have faith in you!
“That’s gross”. “Ew”. “Why are you telling me this”. “It’s funny a really creepy old man once said the same thing to me”.
If he’s making you uncomfortable he’s already gone too far. Sounds like you need to talk to your HR department about his misogyny and get them to tackle it in your behalf if you don’t feel comfortable challenging him yourself.
Keep a record if incidents roughly what happened what was said and how it made you feel, date and time it. You may be able to get support from a local women’s aid organisation.
If none of the previous commenter’s tactics feel like your speed, you can try playing dumb. When he says something stupid and sexist, act like you don’t understand and ask him to explain. “I don’t get it. Why would my age get you into trouble?” Force him to explain his own sexism often enough and people like this typically stop.
But document every instance in case you end up needing to go to HR.
No decent 40 yr old man will talk about your age and affinity for “trouble”. You’re not something that needs to be tested.
Tell him the flirting makes you uncomfortable and to stop it. Do it politely and directly in writing. Document everything and move on. He doesn’t sound dangerous and so he might not think of himself as crossing boundaries. But above all, your safety matters the most
Go report your creepy boss of you want. Let him know to please refrain from unnecessary comments that you do not like that and you greatly appreciate it. To keep it professional please.