\*\*Updated with some responses to people’s comments\*\*
I am sure nothing about what I am going to say is new to a lot of people. I feel like this topic comes up a lot here so I apologize for the rambling. But this has reached a point for me where it is having a serious impact on my mental and emotional health. Mainly because as I start to think of dealing with it long term, it becomes hard and harder to see that as being possible. Which brings up questions of how do I keep this thing from truly ruining and ending a marriage?
I guess I am mostly to blame for this. I let the issue go on for too long. There were always signs of my wife’s lack of desire for sex. From never really wanting to initiate to even being very uncomfortable even joking about or talking about sex. I am also truly upset at myself for being the one who clearly cares more about it. Letting it have this level of impact on me seems so stupid. But it’s a hard thing for me to ignore at this point.
We’ve been together for 7 years. Married for 2. In the beginning, our sex life was just good. It was frequent. Especially when we didn’t live together.
But once we moved in things noticeably changed or maybe being together more frequently made things more noticeable. She initiated less and less. Even often interrupting moments when I was trying to initiate (like saying she needed to take the dog out or shower while we’re on the couch and I was making and move – and= when she was done she’d head straight to bed and never returning to whatever moment we were just having). It got so noticeable it caused me to initiate less because I felt slightly uncomfortable or worried that I’d put myself out there and she just reject it. This was something I brought up before and there were promises to be better but that never really happened.
I also started to notice that she doesn’t even seem comfortable talking about sex with me. Even making disgusted faces at just jokes about it. I never thought much of it at first but given everything else, it started to make me wonder if she doesn’t like sex, or like sex with me.
When we do have sex it has become so routine. Not sure we’ve had sex before 9 PM in years. Never try new things. I tried introducing or suggesting toys or games but that went ignored or again, disgusted reaction.
The last 2 years or so have been a struggle more than ever. We’re down to sex *maybe* 2 times per month. I also started to notice that it seems like at this point 8 out of 10 times we do have sex she needs to have been drinking first
I don’t know what to make of it. She hinted at a lower libido recently but that doesn’t seem to explain it because it isn’t something that suddenly started. And why, if that was the case, bring it up now when it is clearly something affecting our marriage. I’ve made it known already that lack of sex has had an emotional impact on me. Yet nothing from her has changed. Given the drinking thing, I can’t help but feel like it’s due to a lack of attraction. Or maybe she has other means to satisfy herself. I don’t know at this point.
I should note that my libido has risen slightly in the last year or so due to medication I started taking which has made things even more difficult. It just feels like such a ridiculous thing to let cause a wedge in a relationship but at the same time sex can be such an important part of a relationship. It certainly is for me. I should have realized a lot of this sooner so there isn’t anyone else to blame. So how exactly does one solve a situation where one partner just clearly doesn’t care about sex the same way or have the same desire for it? What steps should I take? I literally at this point have started looking up libido-lowering supplements of medication because I hate how this whole thing is impacting my relationship but at what point is that futile?
TLDR: My wife and I have an ever more noticeable differ in sex drive that is starting to show in our marriage and I am not sure what to do.
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Didn’t expect this to blow up. But to summarize some responses to comments I saw:
**Comments about her enjoyment of sex -** My impression is she does enjoy it and I do things before/after to make sure she orgasms almost every time we have sex.
**Comments about showing affection without expectation of sex -** I do this ALL the time. It is another thing that has actually come to bother me but I kept it out of this post. I am pretty much the only one who initiates non-sexual hugs, kisses, snuggles, compliments, etc. Maybe it is another sign of her lack of attraction or aversion to a physical connection with me that I just have ignored for so long. But outside of a kiss goodnight of the occasional compliment, she shows very little outward affection.
**”Women aren’t attracted to and do not want to have sex with the people they are taking care of in a maternal manner.” -** It is actually the opposite in this case. I provide 100% financially for our shared finances, our chores are split about 80%/20% (me doing the 80%), I take care of all bills, groceries, etc. and I have to plan practically everything (trips, meals, what we are watching). Not because I am controlling but because the expectation has fallen on me. Otherwise, a lot of it wouldn’t get done. I am also the only one who does things like gets random gifts/surprises or try to make the other feel better when they are sad or just for fun. Massages. Getting her favorite candy if I am at the store and I know she had a rough week. etc It is actually hard to remember the last spontaneous thing she did for me.
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28 comments
A lot of things can cause lower libido, including some birth control pills, post-partum hormones, other medication. Would she consider finding out what caused her libido to become lower and maybe find a solution with the doctor? Otherwise, this might just be an issue of incompatibility.
>lack of sex has had an emotional impact on me. Yet nothing from her has changed.
It is as difficult for her to “change” as it is for you. Don’t think that this doesn’t have an emotional impact on her. Being constantly aware that your partner is dissatisfied with you and having to always be on the look-out for advances. Always looking for ways to avoid the subject — it’s exhausting. Gotta shower, have a headache, too tired. And you know your partner takes it personally but forcing yourself to have sex when you don’t want to just makes it worse.
Your wife could be asexual or gay. My guess is she never had a high sex drive but went along with your libido at the beginning because she was attracted to you and sex was new. If you actually talk about it and ask her did she ever really desire sex, or was it just going with the flow, I bet she will say she has never had the itch.
Imagine your life continuing like this for the next 40 years. Some people can accept it and others need a partner that matches their libido. Mismatched libidos cause a lot of resentment. It is always assumed the low libido partner is the one who’s supposed to change.
It’s also possible that she truly believed herself that her libido would get better over time. We’re very good at deluding ourselves sometimes, and it’s possible she thought moving in/marrying/etc would make her more comfortable with it.
This situation sucks, a *lot*, but ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away. You two need to sit down and have a frank talk about this. She’s not going to like it, but you need to make it clear that this is a problem and you’d like to see if there are solutions available.
Depending on how she feels, either solo counseling for her or couples counseling for both of you may help. It’s not likely she’ll ever match your libido, but she NEEDS to be able to talk freely about it and work with you.
If she’s not willing to do that, then you two BOTH will be unhappy for the entire length of the marriage, however short or long that ends up being.
This issue comes up a lot in the Ace community — not saying your wife is asexual, though it is a distinct possibility. Sexual incompatibility *will* drive a wedge between you (already has, from the sound of it). If this is a medical issue, then there is treatment for it, as another commenter has said.
If it turns out your wife is Ace (asexual — a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction), then the solution may not be so easy. You may need to discuss opening the marriage, for instance. Or this might be the end of things entirely. Ace/Allo relationships take some navigating.
Is she on hormonal birth control – they absolutely lowers libido.
Does she “enjoy” sex when you have it? It really hard to want to try new things and do it more if sex is a frustrating unfulfilling experience.
For me I noticed that birth control was impacting my libido in a negative way so I began supplementing with 60mg of DHEA and it helped.
Could be physiological is what I’m saying.
Question: when you were having sex frequently, did she orgasm every time? It can start feeling tedious if you aren’t getting anything out of it
Did your wife grow up in a very conservative and/or religious household? Women (and men) that grow up in that environment often have complex relationships with sex. You go your entire life hearing that sex (and masturbation, and sexuality, and porn) are a sin outside of marriage. That that side of you needs to be choked back. That sex is something ‘you do for your husband’.
The reason I ask, is because those women often need alcohol to ‘loosen up’ and enjoy sex. I grew up in a religious household, and this was a common issue for women I knew that did. I then did more research, and yup, it’s a thing. It takes a lot of therapy to unwind those thoughts, if ever.
Anyway, just wanted to toss in something you may not have thought of. I hope you guys find a solution and/or compromise.
I’m a woman with a low sex drive, I guess. I hate it when my partner starts “hinting” that we aren’t having enough sex, or overly joking about sex, it’s a huge turn-off. It makes sex feel like a chore.
For me, what makes me want to have sex is when I “feel attractive”. My partner has learned that instead of hinting about lack of sex, he needs to start telling me what a great butt I have and how fantastic I look in that outfit. An occasional nibble on the neck (with no expectation of it leading to anything) and tell me I smell good. These things put me in the mood, maybe not RIGHT THAT SECOND, but it pays off for him I promise.
Maybe in the beginning you were more complimentary. It’s not always about words, just that look that says “I could eat you up right now”…you know what I mean.
If she is more sexual after she’s been drinking chances are she is feeling insecure about herself. How do you treat her when you are not trying to get laid? Like a beautiful goddess or a housekeeper?
As a woman with a pretty low and inconsistent drive, I can say confidently that there is no bigger turnoff than a guy who has a fixation on having sex with you. If sounds like you’ve both let it slide so far that she probably feels defensive every time there’s even a hint of sexy time happening.
Do you make room for physical intimacy that isn’t sex and doesn’t lead to sex? If you exchanged massages or made out, would your expectations be for those interactions to end up with sex? Because if the answer is yes then I can guarantee you she’s learned that you initiating any kind of intimacy means you’re hoping for sex and that is absolutely exhausting when you just aren’t feeling it.
Honestly seeing a sex therapist would probably be good for both of you.
I would suggest reading the book Come As you Are by Emily Nagoski together. It may help give her language for what’s going on.
I love my boyfriend very much and he’s the best relationship I have ever had. We have an amazing time together and he’s a wonderful guy. We rarely have sex though and that is incredibly difficult for me because it is one of the ways I understand I am wanted and desired and I love sex. I’ve asked him about it directly, I have been indirect. I have told him the truth, the sex we do have is amazing and I want more. It doesn’t happen though. It’s the best relationship I’ve had but this one thing is missing. And it effects my self esteem, how loved I feel, everything. I don’t know what to do either, but you are not alone. At this point, we aren’t even at 2 times a month. More like… once every 3 months.
This “I have a lower libido” doesn’t really fly with me. As a woman who has experienced libido fluctuation throughout the years, what I do know is that our libidos are largely responsive, as opposed to spontaneous. Waiting until you’re turned on would likely mean sex just doesn’t happen.
Regardless of whether I’m turned on or not, sex is important to me. The intimacy that comes with it makes for part of the glue that holds us together, so I prioritise it.
Here’s the thing.. from what you’ve said, your wife’s lack of interest in sex seems a lot deeper, and I think you need to really reflect on your relationship as a whole.
A woman’s enjoyment of sex can be iinfluenced by so many things. Towards the end of my recent relationship I struggled to orgasm, because he’d hurt me so many times. Even unintentional harm is damaging. Times where I was disregarded by him, not prioritised. Times where I felt he belittled my feelings. The lack of security I felt with him. The harsh things he chose to say in leiu of kindness when I felt vulnerable and needed his love. He’s not a bad guy.. we had good times but he wasn’t often a good boyfriend, and over time our intimacy changed as result.
Be honest with yourself here. What is your relationship like outside of the sex? Would you say your load is even when it comes to work, chores, family.. would you say she feels like you’re a real partnership? Is the communication honest and open, and loving? Do you make each other feel like a priority? Because if these things aren’t being taken care of, your sex life will be what suffers.
There’s a lot to be said for seeking professional help. Humans are complicated, complex beings.. we don’t always understand ourselves let alone others.
It’s interesting to me that nowhere in this post do you mention *really* talking to her about it.
It’s also interesting that you apparently haven’t even googled this yourself, because you haven’t bothered to rule out a lot of the typical causes of this issue.
I’ll give you a hint: lack of sex is rarely *the problem* itself. It’s usually a symptom of a different problem.
Is she stressed a lot? Do you pull your weight around the house? Are you still in good shape? Is she? Is she generally happy with her life and your relationship? Do you two still go on dates? Are you ever physically affectionate *without* the intention of having sex?
Answer all of those questions before you start pestering your wife about her hormones being off or some shit.
How is your dynamic outside of the bedroom? Do you manage your own life and responsibilities or do those tasks fall to her? Women aren’t attracted to and do not want to have sex with the people they are taking care of in a maternal manner. It’s just science. I’d do some reflecting on how you’re contributing or not contributing to this dynamic. I’m not trying to diss you and am not accusing you of this or anything. It just simply could be an additional contributing factor here just as other commenters have suggested her upbringing could play a role.
A lot of couples fall into these traditional roles that contribute to what’s going on in their sex lives. Yes, sometimes it is just a matter of differing libidos and drive but sometimes it’s more than that. Evaluate what your other dynamics are and how that could be contributing to the situation before having a serious honest conversation about it. This might be something you can solve by simply taking on more tasks that are falling to her.
Have you talked to her about why she feel she needs to drink before sex or why she feels uncomfortable about even talking about it, serious or joking?
I’m low libido and when my ex (sex maniac) would talk or ask about sex, first thing I’d think of was, “oh dear God, not this bullshit again.” So maybe take a break from joking or asking for it until you’ve talked more about this with her?
Maybe couples counselling for discussing all of the issues surrounding sex for both of you?
What makes your wife feel good? Not just sexually, but emotionally, mentally, socially, physically, anything. Ask yourself what you think you know, then ask your wife in addition to discussing sex outright and reading the book Come as You Are together.
I suggest you take a look at r/DeadBedrooms, its a sub dedicated to advice and support for low libido vs high libido couples who have trouble connecting sexually.
Has your wife been enjoying sex with you? Does she get to have orgasms as often as you do? The porn industry has done almost every straight man a disservice which is convincing everyone that sex ends when the man ejaculates, as if the woman has only two options: magically orgasm at the same time as the man, or not having the orgasm at all. With time, this is only going to hurt a woman’s libido. Learn to give oral sex or finger sex even after you ejaculate. Make sex be about both of you.
I admittedly didn’t scroll down very far, so maybe someone else has flagged this already. But based on your edit about how much of the financial and other labor you perform, I’m wondering what does she spend her time doing? Does she seem to suffer from low self worth generally? Getting caught in a cycle of feeling bad about yourself, not doing anything g bc of that, feeling more bad, and so on can definitely affect sex drive.
The dynamic you two have seems rather dysfunctional on both sides. You are doing much more than your fair share AND taking on all the burden of initiating sex, making you resentful, while she is doing very little and possibly feeling unsexy as a result?? I could be off base here, but I’ve been in a similar place as her and that’s how it affected me for sure.
Sit down and talk to her.
I admire your dedication and love for this woman that cleaely does nothing for you, your household and so on. Do you have kids? Why does she not work? Why is it okay for her to be lazy af with chores?
Dude, this woman is
1.basically asexual
2.lazy
3.living off of you
>I provide 100% financially for our shared finances, our chores are split about 80%/20% (me doing the 80%), I take care of all bills, groceries, etc. and I have to plan practically everything (trips, meals, what we are watching). Not because I am controlling but because the expectation has fallen on me. Otherwise, a lot of it wouldn’t get done. I am also the only one who does things like gets random gifts/surprises or try to make the other feel better when they are sad or just for fun. Massages. Getting her favorite candy if I am at the store and I know she had a rough week. etc It is actually hard to remember the last spontaneous thing she did for me.
Before your updates, I would have told you you need to sit down with her and have a sincere and in-depth discussion with her about the lack of sex, what she thinks has caused the decline in her libido, and whether she’s interested in working towards change, so you could make a decision about whether you want to continue with your marriage, or if you are simply incompatible and should divorce.
But after your updates: OP, can you explain what you are getting out of this marriage? Your wife isn’t contributing financially, she’s not doing much around the house, she doesn’t do anything thoughtful for you, and she’s uninterested in sex. Even if she wanted to have sex with you, what about the relationship makes you want to stay with her? Because it sure doesn’t sound like she is a good partner. I don’t think you said one positive thing about your wife in the whole post.
Based on those edits… when was the last time you felt loved by her OPvbased on her doing something (words dont count here) ? This is reminding me of an ex who dragged out a relationship for over a year when she’d lost interest in me but wouldn’t admit it, until she skipped on my birthday. People and theor interests and tastes can change. If it’s something you can adapt to great. If its not I won’t say het divorced but you’ve got sone serious thinking to do about what you want in a partner. Ih sounds to me like you love her dearly and it’s hurting you cause she doesn’t like you the same way anymore from where im sitting. You might still be cared for but it doesn’t sound like it’s the same type of care by a long shot. I hope you guys can talk this out but it might be rough prepare for the worst.
What does she do with herself all day if you work and do 80% of the chores??? That’s not right one bit. She shouldn’t make it an expectation for you to do everything.
Seriously consider couples counseling.
I kinda dislike posts like this because it’s always a circle jerk about all the possible reasons why she is unable to be attracted to hubby.
She is over worked
She is depressed
She is touched out
She is hormonal
She is not hormonal and it’s because the hubby is an asshole
How about the possibility that she is the asshole?
How about maybe she saw sex as something she needs to do because she wanted to get her day in the white ball gown but post marriage she looked at the lifetime worth of having to be committed to her partners happiness and went “fuck that “