Hi everyone. What follows is my own biased, subjective experience.
I’m trying to make sense of what the world feels like right now, trying to put it into words. I can describe it in so many ways, yet somehow none of them seem to make sense.
It feels like there’s a lingering “social distance” that is no longer physical, but emotional. Like everyone is somehow further apart from each other than they used to be. It’s harder for me to talk to people, which makes me avoid trying — and I know that just contributes to the problem.
Or sometimes it feels like a barrier, like I have my defenses up higher than usual, and so does everyone else. Before, when I spoke to people, I found it easy to look past the disagreements and find some element of shared humanity. I now find myself irritated by the smallest differences between us, and it takes a lot of work to relate to them.
Still other times, it feels like a simple breakdown in communication. Like I just haven’t had any *practice* talking to people, been so alone with my own thoughts that I forgot how to express them. They make sense to *me*, but when I try to explain them I’m misunderstood.
So, I’m trying to get better — to keep trying even when I fail, because I learn from it. To let myself be vulnerable, because to become close I must risk getting pushed away. To focus less on explaining myself to someone, and more towards reaching a mutual understanding of each other.
Why? Why am I trying so hard?
In my darkest moments, I felt more alone than I ever have before in my life. Not too long ago, I was afraid that no one else saw the world the way I do; that I had thoughts that wanted to be expressed, but had no outlet; that every time I tried to explain myself, people looked at me like I was crazy.
Expressing myself honestly and feeling rejected has always been painful.
Holding in my feelings has always been painful.
And when it felt like I might never find someone who would accept me, who would take the time to listen to me and help me sort out my feelings, I started to think about suicide.
I couldn’t help it — no matter how hard I fought against them, it felt like I was being pulled deeper and deeper into an ocean of my own thoughts, into my own world that I would always want to share but never could.
That night is never far from my mind.
I know I’m biased, and that I’m likely to see in other people the qualities I see in myself, and vice versa. Yet I can’t shake the feeling that everyone is more stressed than usual and growing further apart. On its own, this thought doesn’t seem so bad, but the implications for society are unsettling. I know I can’t save everyone, but maybe my words can make the world better in some small way.
Anyway.
I’ve done enough talking; I want to listen. I would love to hear your experiences in the thread, to hear what it’s been like for you lately. Maybe it will help me put my own thoughts into words a little better. I don’t want advice, and I don’t feel comfortable giving advice; the one promise I will make is that I will try my best to understand you and communicate that understanding as best I can.
I hope to hear from you.