Over the last 4 to 5 months, I (F) have been talking to a guy strictly through technology. We seemed to hit it off and would talk on and off over this time. Things got more serious a few times over the summer. Last week we finally got to meet up in person for the first time. I would say it went well, but it was definitely a little awkward. He was much quieter than I was expecting. I had no choice but for some of my acquaintances to be there, which probably didn’t help him feel any better. After our meet-up, I felt kind of down and we didn’t interact much online. I just asked if he wanted to meet up again since we would be in the same area again soon and he basically dodged his way around an answer. I feel bad and I think it is all my fault. He seemed much more into everything before the meet-up. Should I apologize to him for not being what he expected because I feel as though that is the issue?
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TL;DR – I just met a guy for the first time in person and now he doesn’t want much to do with me I believe. Should I apologize to him for probably not being what he expected?
33 comments
>I had no choice but for some of my acquaintances to be there
What do you mean by this?
So you met a guy you have been chatting up on line in person for the first time and you brought acquaintances with you?
What does acquaintances mean to you? They are people I barely know that are in my circles. He could have been a bit overwhelmed.
But you know what, who cares.
There is no need to apologize. The thing about electronic interactions is that they are completely sterile and fleeting.
Disconnect and move on.
>Should I apologize to him for not being what he expected because I feel as though that is the issue?
Did you deceive him in some fashion? If not, why apologize?
Should you apologize for being yourself? No. If he had preconceived ideas about who you are that’s on him.
We all need to stop apologizing when we’ve done nothing wrong. You certainly don’t need to apologize for existing.
If his disappointment was based solely on you having someone with you, I’d say you dodged a bullet.
And, no, you shouldn’t apologize.
No, you shouldn’t apologize to him.
It’s possible he had a different idea of how things would go when you met in person. That could have been based on any number of things. Meeting up with someone in person is different from talking with them online.
It sucks when someone steps back from a friendship, but it doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong.
Are you obese? Did you share photos and videos that obscured your obesity?
There could be many explanations for this response (including insecurities and flaws which are characteristics of HIS behavior!).My instinct is that this is related to weight.
Thanks for posting!
Why did you “have to” bring acquaintances to your first meeting with him, and did he agree to that before hand or did you just show up with random people he didn’t know? If you just showed up with people, that’s what you can apologize for. If he knew that was the situation going in, then unless you told him to expect a version of yourself that wasn’t true, you have nothing to apologize for. Part of meeting in real life when you’ve only been talking online is understanding that your expectations for someone will not be exactly what you get. It’s his own fault if he fantasized too much about the meeting and it didn’t meet his expectations.
First off, usually first meetings are awkward. It’s like an interview almost. You’re both a bit nervous typically when you meet someone new, no matter how much you talk or video chat. In person will always be the real thing and the real indication of connection over texts, calls and video chats.
If he’s dodging your plans and your invites then F*** him! You don’t deserve that. He isn’t interested so you need to be cool about it and leave it to rest. Honey you have absolutely nothing to feel sorry about! You didn’t do anything wrong. He just may not want anything serious and is playing games. I wouldn’t entertain this anymore, you’ve already given him 4-5 months of your time. Forget this dude.
Just say “hey, I know meeting in person may be stressful or cause anxiety, I’m sorry that there ended up being more people there which could have added to that, I feel like we have some chemistry I’m willing to explore if you are, would you like to meet up one on one?”.
Not sure why offering a slight apology is held in such heavy regards that it needs advice from strangers. It’s the polite thing to do and doesn’t cost you any energy or anything.
If you dig him, be a nice person and reach out, relationships aren’t easy, but it’s not that hard to do.
Absolutely not you should never apologize for what someone else expects out of you or a relationship friendship or anything in that matter unless you gave him an idea put in his head and had them think in the mindset of something too expect and you didn’t give that to him other than that no apology necessary
I have had a few online only relationships over the last 10 years. None lasted more than a few months but that is plenty long enough for either party to form a very distinct version of the other, in their head only of course. He may have imagined you very different (not thinking physically) and he easily could have been put off by that. It’s almost like meeting a total stranger even though the you online is very much the you he met. Brains are weird like that.
What does no “purposeful” deception?
This is why I propose meeting within the first 3 to 5 messages. There are way too many personas to get to know (the profile, the texter, the IRL person). So, before I get too attached to the idea of someone, I try to meet the actual person. That being said, what would you apologize for? Are you fatter than your pix or something?
>I had no choice but for some of my acquaintances to be there
Why? I feel like there’s zero reason, even if your friends are your ride, for them to not be able to step away for an hour or something.
I don’t think you necessarily need to apologize unless he didn’t know it was going to be a group setting, because personally I hate things being sprung on me and first dates are always nerve wracking in itself. In your situation the nerves would be compunded by now having to perform for a panel of strangers in addition to the person I’m interested in and meeting for the first time. But other than that I can’t think of anything you need to feel sorry about unless you seriously misrepresented yourself through photos or lies of omission (since you said no outright deception).
Dont apologize Cause u did nothing wrong whatever the issue is that’s his problem
You did nothing wrong. You were being safe. If he can’t handle talking to 3 pretty girls is he really the one?
Ladies, never bring friends to the first date without agreeing to it together. For the guy, you can imagine how awkward it is for him. The girls talking with each other, inside jokes, etc.. If it was a serious, then you shouldn’t bring friends. The only time I would reach now, is too party. Bring your friends, ill bring my friends, then we can be friends type of scenario. Could never take it as a serious relationship after that.
Just curious, why did you feel obligated to bring your friends?
I don’t think you should apologize, however I will say bringing acquaintances probably made him feel very awkward. If I’m around people I don’t know I tend to close myself off and let the group talk instead since I’m shy around new people, he probably expected to spend time with you alone. If he’s not willing to hang out again though, I would probably move on, no need to apologize to him.
This is why you should put out on the first date. 😏
No apologies. Move on.
Sometimes online does not work in real life
It’s not your fault, but as a guy I would not want to meet up with a girl who has 2 female friends with her. That would be overwhelming
You have nothing to apologize for, in the future though you will definitely want to meet sooner than later.
Online I am quite the social bug but in person I am very shy and timid when first meeting someone.
Meet within a week of first talking and get it out if the way so you don’t become attached to an online persona versus the real person.
My roommate is not very social online but she is very social and outgoing in person.
nah it’s not something you should apologize for but rather a fact of life. not everyone will be into you irl. that’s all
No, you were you. There is no shame in that. Nothing to apologize for!
You should apologize. Bringing your friends along to a first date with a guy is weird, and definitely uncomfortable for the guy.
Absolutely you should apologize be as sincere as possible
You didn’t deceive anyone, never apologise for being who you are.
NO, don’t apologize – it would be like apologizing to someone because they’re not into you. It may be disappointing to you, sure, but it’s not your problem to fix or a wrong to be righted. It’s just life. If he’s not into it, let it go – the sooner the better!
Why would you apologise for doing nothing wrong?
You met up for the first time in person, it’s good you did that, because now you can choose to go further or not.
Yeah it’s completely possible you are not what he was imagining, but that’s not your issue, that’s his.
Just straight up ask him if he wants to continue this relationship or not. If he doesn’t respond or tries to change the subject, then you know for sure he’s just not that into you. It’ll suck but at least you know and you can move on.
Did you catfish him? Are one of your two friends hotter than you? I would definitely feel slighted by omission of two people “you had no choice” to bring. I would feel like fourth wheel, or you had no true intentions of getting to see/know me. You definitely made it awkward.
No way! That isn’t your fault. That’s what dating is all about. He either accepts it and move on with someone else, or change what he expects from you(compromise).