I posted a post on parenting. I’m not sure how to link it but you can go to my profile. Some said it belonged on this sub anyway. F26 & M26
Basically I’ve been a stay at home mom for the past three years. I’ve worked part time evenings and I’m done working part-time.
I have an option to take a full time position so I’m home in the evenings. With the cost of daycare I won’t be negative with money but won’t making “a ton” more. I could work more evenings and make more money but that’s not what I WANT.
My husband has every reason why it won’t work. He thinks our kids are too young and that our youngest won’t eat (11 months and 2 when they start but they’ll be 1&3 in a month. ) He doesn’t want to drive there etc. His family is against it. I won’t say his reasons aren’t valid because I know they are to him but it’s endless reasons..
I finally said I’m taking it no matter what and he needs to get on board. We typically compromise, I specifically compromise and always plan everything around what he wants and I’m just tired of it honestly.
I quit my job when I got pregnant and I agreed to work part- time. My career was always second to his. We never had a specific plan. Other opportunities have came and I’ve pushed off every one and I’m honestly just tired of waiting.
So, now he’s agreed but only after a huge fight. The biggest we’ve ever had. Insults were said, we agreed it’s a divorce-able decision etc. That he would divorce me if I took it that I felt the same way if he’d make me miss the opportunity.
Though he’s agreed now after all the fighting and I have what I “want” nothing feels the same. I feel like we’ve crossed a border we can’t come back from. I feel tense and every conversation turns into an argument no matter the topic.
You can say that I shouldn’t be upset because I got what I want, but I am. I’m not sure what to do or how to process my feelings. I can’t help but think that this is a pivoting point in our marriage and that we will get divorced in the future. How can I navigate these feelings?
Tl;dr Married couple want opposites now to the point that divorce was brought up and now I have what I want (a job with better hours) but can’t unprocess the thoughts of divorce.
4 comments
Sounds like you want independence and he doesnt want to give it to you. His masculinity feels threatened.
Counseling. Counseling is how *you* navigate your feelings. A marriage changing is a huge deal, and takes a toll! It’s okay to need and pursue mental health counseling for yourself personally.
Who cares if his family is against it? They don’t get a vote. That’s a non-starter on your husband’s list of why he doesn’t want you to take the job. When it comes to compromising, it sounds like you’re the only one actually compromising while he gets what he wants. I think it’s time for a marriage counselor.
Did you talk about how you wanted to handle child care before you had children? I feel that would make a difference to me.
If I agreed with my partner before having children that I’d stay home and work part-time in the future, I could see why your partner would feel blindsided. I mean, things change and sometimes you need to change agreements because they don’t work, but I’d understand why he’d be surprised.
If you never planed to become a SAHP and wanted to get back to work then this is a red flag because I’d feel like he was trying to mould you into what he wanted and ignored what you wanted.
If you never talked about any of that then this fight is just the result of no communication. And you both assumed things and now that the situation became reality you clashed.