When i was young i had lots of “friends” they never really respected me and don’t think they ever liked me. I was doing drugs and getting into trouble a lot. Then when i was 19 i decided to go and live with my granny cause i’m gay and my “friends” probably would have just bullied me for it.
When i lived with my granny things were peaceful, she didn’t nag me about anything, she was just happy for me to be around. I ate whatever i wanted and ended up getting very fat, this went on for about 3 years. Then i decided to lose weight, so i exercised and ate less and now i’m a healthy weight people say maybe even a bit too skinny. I could have possibly got a job at this point but then the covid came, so i was scared to go out and bring it back to my granny. But then she died around the end of the lockdowns anyway. And now i am all alone, i have no one i was forced to get a job in a nursing home so i could survive and pay rent and bills.
I thought things were going ok, i’m good at my job, i get along with the people i work with but the friendship ends when the shift ends, i don’t socialise with them. But then a new guy started at work. He’s gay like me and the same age. I thought maybe he could be my friend, but he doesn’t seem very interested. It seems like he already has his own life and he doesn’t need anymore friends. And that’s fine but every time he talks about his life it just makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. for example a woman at work asked me if i had ever been on holiday, i said no. Then she asked him, he said he was just back from a holiday with a bunch of his mates. And that crushed me.
Now i’m thinking of quitting that job as it is further from where i live and i think i could maybe get friends at a closer job. But the manager at my job really wants me to stay, she has offered me all the weekends off so maybe i could find something to do at the weekends, but if i stay maybe i will still not meet anyone and just end up being sad and lonely. I live in the centre of the city and weekends really depress me. All i see is happy people living perfect lives and it reminds me that i have no one.
The saddest part about all of this is i’m asking reddit cause i literally have no one else i can talk to.
28 comments
Try getting a job at a pub. It’s a very social setting and pubs almost always need help
Pick a thing.
Do that thing fairly consistently.
Meet people as a result of that thing.
Literally anything where other people will be. Drag racing or Drag . Cricket or Crochet. MMA or MDMA
Just go and do things
Lifestyle adjustments to accommodate regular free time on weekends that generally coincide with the wider communities leisure days is definitely worth a shot – explore your community online and then in person, perhaps join a class to learn something, pursue interests/hobbies, join clubs, gyms, get yourself enjoying the urban and rural environments near you, try new bars and restaurants etc. all of those environments are common social scenes with diverse demographics, explore, enjoy and potentially meet people.
Can’t comment on anything to do with the gay experience to be honest, i hope you do not meet resistance (particularly from yourself) in respect of who you are. Where I am from being gay no longer appears to be something people care to dramatise on a surface level, but would not want to talk about the more intimate experiences of those I do not know. Things may be different where you are.
Hobbies would be a good place to start maybe, book clubs, gaming I dunno find something you are interested and see there is a group for that locally, also just go out to the pub and you’ll chat to people.
There are also apps, Bumble has a BFF mode that is all about finding friends and people with similar interests.
The key generally is getting out there more. It’ll be odd for a bit but in time you’ll meet people you chat to regularly etc and build from that.
Clubs, societies and classes are always a good shout. I have friends but was never very social, and I assumed I’d be ‘forever alone’ until I signed up for a beginner’s language class when I was 26, where I met my current spouse.
Go to university to train as a nurse or other health professional?
Dont judge your life by how other people live theirs
I’d also suggest trying some volunteering with a project or cause you support? As well as finding a hobby or joining a class as suggested by others. 💚🤍 good luck 🍀 and be kind to yourself x
Others have already said this but find a hobby you like and you will start clicking with nice people with the same interest. Also when you get a friend get to know the mutual friends, you might click with them to.
I second hobbies, be it warhammer or modelling, some community sport football group, board games clubs, if you like music open mic nights e.t.c
We had pre lockdown a “geek club ” that was just a group of like minded folks who just hung out at a rented place, discussing films, playing games e.t.c.
the problem with these things of course is time, if you’re in nursing at the moment it’s likely your shifts are all over the place but even intermittent attendance can start the process of broadening your social sphere.
If you like comics or sci-fi etc try frequenting comic stores, go to some comic con conventions, you get chatting to like minded individuals maybe make a friend. If you’re into anything just frequent the places fans are, you’ll have conversations and get ideas, info etc. being gay is just a part of you not all of you. I gave up trying to be what snobbish gays wanted me to be-into the arts, opera etc. I preferred to stay true and throw myself into comics, sci-fi etc. stuff they found ‘childish’ but there’s more content than ever and I love it.
People with a common interest notice you if you go somewhere regularly, eventually they may say hi and it opens up a new world for you. Can be anything, hobbies, sport, exercise, you name it.
Are there any gay clubs or bars around? Your life will change immeasurably for the better once you surround yourself with an lgbtq support system. If there’s no in-person places try looking for a group online. Being alone in the queer world is painfully common and you absolutely will find people to welcome you with huge warm open arms. If you’re still struggling to find somewhere to go please immerse yourself in queer culture, films and tv. There’s nothing like a good binge of ru Paul’s drag race or Pose to make you feel like part of a community! Also I’m really sorry to hear you lost your granny, it sounds like she was a really important person in your life and to lose her at your age must have been incredibly difficult. Consider looking at Cruse bereavement services, they are a great resource for people in your position. 🏳️🌈
You should try find a D&D club. Ask around at your local comic book or games/hobby shop. It might seem overwhelming at first but D&D groups can build some of the best relationships.
Bro I’m 36 in the same boat. At least time is on your side.
I think it would be prudent to invest in therapy. I get you’re lonely, we’ve come out of lockdown, in lockdown everyone was in the same boat, but now life has resumed and many have exploded onto social activities.
Check out any icebreaker groups within the lgbtq+ community. They are there to help you integrate into the gay community and groups.
If you’re wanting to keep fit and meet people/find friends then climbing is a great sport to get into.
Find a bouldering gym or indoor climbing gym near you.
The climbing community tends to be very welcoming and I’ve got a chap that’s one of my best mates now despite the fact we’ve both long since drifted away from climbing and we only ever climbed twice together!
Its a great way to network and meet people and is often used by younger people so the opportunity to meet similar aged people is great. Highly recommend
Keep your chin up mate. Life always gets better, then bad then better again, it can be a roller coaster of emotions. Try to look and act positive, stand straight and smile and put yourself out there, why not get on grinder or become a regular at your local gay bar. There is someone out there for everyone.
Making friends when you’re an adult can be hard work; it is something you have to invest time and effort in. It’s also one of those things where the more you have, the more you get given, so it can be slow and frustrating and first but it does get easier and better.
I absolutely would not rely on your job to make friends, you need to widen your circles with hobbies and other activities. Nowadays even small towns and villages usually have *some* sort of LGBTQ+ community and you may find that the easiest ‘in’ to getting friends and other forms of relationship. You need to put some work in and find them and go regularly.
Creating good relationships as an adult can be time consuming, draining, and confusing if you’re not used to it. Someone else here has suggested therapy and that might also be useful to help you stop comparing yourself to others, raise your self-esteem, and understand how to relate to the people around you in a positive way.
good luck!
Stop trying to make friends through work. If it happens, it happens, but a lot of people don’t want to make friends where they spend all day.
Go on Meet-up or local Facebook groups, attend events based on hobbies, sports or interests, and meet people that way.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Also go to couch surfing meet ups.
You are definitely not the only one in this position. Many, many young adults leave behind their “default friends” from adolescence, and focus solely on building a career or reaching other goals. For you, you changed the entire direction of your life away from drugs and trouble, and that is seriously a major achievement. That was a good choice and took hard work to make happen, so don’t minimise that. You also developed a relationship with your granny, a senior female in your life and that itself is really valuable, especially for men (many men don’t build a close relationship with a woman other than their mother until marriage, and that isn’t ideal for self growth and developing into an empathetic adult). Like a lot of us, you looked up one day and realised you needed more, you needed companionship. So how do we achieve *that* goal.
A new job isn’t a bad idea. It’s often a good way to break established routines (that work-home-work-home rut we get into) and introduce entire new people into our lives.
Sign up to a hobby. It sounds trite but do it. I chose Pilates after I had my kids and realised I needed a hobby, and hanging out with this group of 60yo ladies twice a week was so refreshing. And then they started inviting me to coffee group, their book club etc. And soon i had things on, with people who liked me, that i could write on my calendar and go to. You don’t even have to be that outgoing, just be quiet and pleasant to be around and keep showing up every week, and people start to see you as a mate and invite you places. Start with one act of extending the reach of your life, friend. It will rid you of your current awful feeling of isolation and then everything will seem easier to work on
oddly a lot of gays meet friends from hookups etc, the sex is first then friendships form. i am not saying be a ho, but maybe just go out and have some fun.
Work friends are rarely real friends, hobby mates are best!
I would suggest hobby groups, or something within the LGBT community. I mean, you’re a young man mate, these things can happen to all of us. I know it is hard not to be despondent but really the best course of action, is, well, action. Just get out there and throw yourself into a few things and see what sticks :). I’m sure you can make some friends.
I sound like a broken record because I’ve mentioned it on reddit several times but meetup.com is great for this kind of thing. Join groups you are interested in, go to the event they advertise, meet new people. 2 of my friends I met on this site and we aim to meet up at least once a month.
Website is free to join, most events will be free, some you will have to pay for, for example if you went to a concert with them you’d obviously have to pay for that. But it caters to a wide variety of interests. You can even start your own group if you wanted.
As an immigrant to the UK the struggle to find friends is real.
You could house share I made genuine friendships from this, also superficial ones.
Hobbies is a big one, take some courses (language/arts) or join somewhere with forced initial interaction.
If your near glasgow i will be your friend or we can be online penpals 🙂
You were not ‘forced’ to get a job. You have simply not realised what being an adult entails. You have a lot of growing up to do.