So I’m 20 years old and was a virgin until I met my first girlfriend a few months ago. We’re both girls. We’ve had sex a couple times and every time she says how bad I am at it and how I need to “try harder” in this area. I’ve been trying to get better; I’ve read guides online, watch videos, but I learn best by doing it. Also have a learning disability which means that learning a new skill takes longer for me than most, and I think she’s getting frustrated with me because I’m so terrible at it. She says “It’s just common sense” and I can’t seem to get it, because whenever I try to do stuff to her she just rolls her eyes and sighs. Now I don’t want to have sex really anymore, because I’m unable to not humiliate myself.
Whenever I ask her for guidance she says things like “Figure it out I shouldn’t have to tell you this” or “You’re being really dense right now.” And it’s true, I am dense when it comes to these things, so I feel awful about myself.
11 comments
Frankly, your girlfriend is a terrible partner.
She shouldn’t be tearing you down like that by belittling you and insulting you.
You can’t read her mind to know what she wants. You know what *actually* is “common sense”? Telling/showing your partner what you like instead of asking them to “figure it out.”
She’s a bad sexual partner and a bad girlfriend. I’d drop her and not let this experience ruin sex for you with a good partner who actually cares about you and helps teach you what they enjoy.
So she wants you to get better but refuses to tell you what you can do for her that will make sex between you better? I don’t think she has any clue on how you could get better at all.
Having unspoken expectations of people will only lead to the people who have those unspoken expectations being resentful and unfulfilled throughout life. People are not psychic and expecting them to “just know” is a sure fire way to fail.
This is bad communication and belittlement from your partner. It’s rarely good to say “I shouldn’t have to tell you this” to someone who is genuinely trying, and never okay to call your partner dense. She sounds like a jerk.
She’s not being patient enough. You didn’t swim in the deep end after your first swimming lesson or nail your first attempt to parallel park. Learning new things takes time. And queer women have like no guidance from movies or TV to get us started like straight people do, we all learn as we go.
I think how she’s putting you down is really crappy. She shouldn’t be telling you to figure it out, she should be able to explain what she wants, it’s very normal to be expected to put it into words. Talk to her about how you’re feeling. Maybe she can find some videos or erotica for you to emulate if she’s shy about putting it into words.
Has she even tried to directly show you what she likes or is she just assuming you should know?
I know you’ve gotten this view that her behaviour is acceptable, it’s not.
The best way to get good at sex is getting feedback from your partner, your partner is refusing to actually help you get better at having sex with her. It’s incredibly cruel of her and it’s incredibly rare for crappy behaviour like this to be unique to one area of a relationship
The first problem is that your partner is being a jerk.
It is an important ability to hear, accept, and learn from criticism and advice. But it needs to be presented in a respectful, constructive way. “You aren’t trying hard enough” is not advice, it’s a beat down.
If she can’t tell you specifically what wasn’t working right, it’s not your fault she can’t communicate. Good sex is hard, and takes practice and patience. It is unreasonable for her to be mad at you for not doing something she hasn’t asked for. The burden goes both ways.
your problem is your girlfriend.
look for someone else, because that person is a toxic person.
break up with her and be happy
Oh, hon. Someone in that bed is a terrible partner — and it is NOT you.
In fact, you sound like an excellent partner! You’re invested in your partner’s happiness! You want to try new things! You want to grow! Sprinkle in a bit of experience (which you’re working on), and this is the recipe for someone who is FANTASTIC in bed!
Your girlfriend, on the other hand, sounds like an ass.
Good partners make their partners feel safe. She makes you feel like an incompetent moron.
Good partners are patient. She is anything but.
Good partners help their partners figure out how to please them. She sounds offended by the notion that she needs to put forth any actual effort.
Your partner is unworthy of you. Ditch her, find someone else.
Because I guarantee there’s a queer woman out there who is going to think you’re the best lay EVER. Every moment you waste on your girlfriend is a moment that would have been better spent looking for her.
Stay strong. You’re awesome. You got this.
I give this relationship a month if that
She’s an asshole OP, this says *so much* about her personality. Even experienced people have to communicate in order to find out what they like, each body is different. Don’t ignore the red flags. You deserve better. You can find better.