I (28m) recently had my first fwb after meeting tinder. We(33f) clicked pretty quickly and had sex right away, and a few times a week after that for a month, until I moved away. The sex was great and we were very open with what we both wanted. However, I have also been very affectionate with her outside of the bedroom. Watching TV I’d always cuddle with her and I started using affectionate nicknames which she reciprocated.
I was moving soon which she knew from the start, but she started saying things like “if you weren’t moving I’d make you my boyfriend” and at one (slightly drunk) point she let slip an “I love you” during sex. I told her I really liked her but saying ily is a huge deal for me, don’t know her well enough.
Now that I’ve moved I just met another girl and we’re both wanting a fwb situation, but when I told her how much I like to be affectionate outside of sex she acted like that was absolutely not something that fwb did, that I obviously want a girlfriend without the responsibility of really caring about her feelings, basically just using her.
Was I a total asshole to the first girl for being so affectionate without the intention of dating her? She’s a lot more experienced than me in relationships and sex, so I assumed if I was out of line she would let me know that I was breaching the unspoken fwb contract, or whatever. Obviously every person has a different idea and I should just communicate with this new girl and figure out what we will be to each other, but I almost wonder if I should apologize to the first girl. We still keep in contact on a regular basis, and she’s been planning to come visit me. Oh god am I still leading this poor girl on??
TL:DR: I might have been way too affectionate with a fwb, what should I know for the future? Thanks
10 comments
There are no FWB rules, it depends on the people. The only real difference between FWB and a relationship is exclusivity, for mine. Some FWB’s will naturally be more affectionate than others.
If one side wants to date and the other doesn’t though (which seems to be the case with the first of your FWBs) you’re going to run into dramas. This is pretty common though and why most FWBs don’t work – someone inevitably ends up catching feelings. It’s hard not to when you’re fucking and cuddling.
Do what you’re comfortable with and just be really honest with them, for mine. Every situation is different. If the second girl doesn’t want to be affectionate outside the bedroom then it’s up to you whether you’re comfortable with that or not. But it’s certainly not a FWB rule, so to speak.
Yes you are still leading the first girl on. Good fences (boundaries) make for good neighbours (or in this case, fwbs 😅). I think the affection might be okay if agreed upon at the outset but generally it sends confusing, mixed messages I think most people (including those who agreed to it at the outset) would be tripped up by. I think (as the second girl alluded to) you need to figure out what you want. It sounds like you want all of the perks without any of the loyalty which is a bit fucked imo.
I had this debate with my current gf. Her definitions of “fling, fwb, one night stand etc” . In my view, if you’re hanging out with someone and fucking them, no matter what you call it, it’s a relationship. Either a very poor one, or a very good one.
If you have a 3 month stint of fucking someone and hanging out once a week, you’ve had a 3 month relationship in my eyes, the only nuance technically is whether you’re fucking anyone else during that time.
If I had to debate it, I would say the true definition of fwb would lie somewhere in acquaintance with benefits where you sole intent is to relieve primal urges. No cuddling, no hanging out as friends etc.
Consider: it’s not casual unless both parties are not exclusive. If one party is and the other isn’t, there will be trouble and pain. The time to review/discuss is when a party declares exclusivity, because it implies deeper feelings than comfort/satisfaction, attraction, horniness.
I don’t think there are any generally agreed upon guidelines. I have a few fwbs and one says she loves me all the time, especially when we’re fucking. But she’s totally a fwb. Tomorrow I will meet her boyfriend that she lives with. Hoping to make a good impression.
The other fwbs are totally different. One is “we’re not dating we’re just fucking”, another is “looking forward to our sex date” a third is “having an affair” with me (even though she is in a totally open marriage and her husband is completely informed).
I think you shouldn’t worry about it too much. Why not let your feelings run wild, even if it’s only a short fling? “I love you” doesn’t have to mean “I want to marry you and have babies with you”. It can also mean “I want you to enjoy all the pleasures you can in this world, have amazing sex with lots of people, and generally enjoy yourself whether with me or without”.
The rules for each SO/FWB/FB relationship are going to be different based on what the different people want from it.
The friend part of fwb is there because you’re more than fuck buddies. It’s more likely a causal non-monogamous sitch, so it’s normal to hang out and watch a movie sometimes.
Being affectionate outside of the bedroom will affect each person differently, but for me that would be really confusing and would seem more like a situationship than a FWB. You seem like a caring person with a conscience but IMO your new FWB is correct. Your previous situation was ripe for misinterpretation.
Your previous FWB clearly caught feelings and she shouldn’t visit you unless you have actual feelings for her.
I guess I’m curious – why invest affection into someone unless you’re interested in being more than FWB?
>Oh god am I still leading this poor girl on??
Does she still think there’s long-term potential? Probably. Is that *your* fault? Eh, not really. She’s a grown woman, after all. You got into this spot because you *both* avoided conversations about the future and you *both* operated under self-serving assumptions.
>what should I know for the future?
Communicate more openly about plans, hopes, and expectations.
There’s no such thing as “too much affection” in a world that’s often to cold. Just… be wary about assumptions people might make and communicate openly and clearly so that your partners can make well-informed decisions about how they want to proceed.
there are no rules other than what both parties agree upon