I know there are a lot of questions posted here about how to deal with feeling like you wasted your 20s and such and while I certainly do feel some of that, I’m looking more at the practical side of moving past it.
Simply put, I haven’t done much. Since college my typical night has been spent at home watching anime and playing video games. Most of my friends both offline and online have been from anime-related groups, most our conversations are about anime, and a typical social outing for me is to go and grab dinner somewhere and then watch anime at someone’s apartment. The most “exciting” thing we do is go to anime cons. You’re probably noticing a theme here.
I like what I like and I’m not ashamed of it even if some people would judge me for it, but the issue is that basing my life around this one thing just isn’t enough. I moved to a new city recently and would like to make new friends, and there are only so many ways to meet people through anime-related stuff.
When I venture out my sphere though I just feel like I have nothing to contribute.
I’ve tried doing stuff like trivia, intramural sports, and board games nights and while I have no trouble making small talk and generally getting along with people, I’m just never able to make a real connection and turn it into a bond of friendship. I can nod along and ask questions when they talk about interesting hobbies they have, trips they’ve been on, causes they’re passionate about, cool jobs they have, but I just have nothing to add to any of these conversations. While they’ve been out doing all this stuff, I’ve just been in my room watching anime (jobwise I’m an accountant which is boring and I regret getting into so nothing to talk about there). I don’t feel like I’m excluded or judged or anything but whenever I’m in these situations it just feels like I’m passively watching other people become friends.
The obvious answer to not having experiences to talk about is to go out and have experiences, but I feel like I’m stuck in a catch-22 where every time I try to go out and do stuff it makes me feel shitty because I haven’t gone out and done stuff. I know I have to break out of my comfort zone but every time I try, a couple hours in I’m just thinking how much more I’d be enjoying myself at home watching anime and talking to my online friends about stuff I like. How do I break this cycle and grow beyond defining myself by this one hobby?
19 comments
a complete person needs to be T-shaped. i’m not just talking about having wide shoulders, here, but about having a broad range of interests, in addition to geeking out over a couple/few. you have the vertical part of the “T” down: you have a deep interest and knowledge of a couple things (anime and accounting). now it’s time to develop the horizontal part of the “T”.
you gotta find a couple more hobbies or interests that will hold your interest enough to broaden your horizons a little. no harm in starting where you are: explore the cities you go to cons in, for the historical and cultural things they have to offer. check out the history of anime, and see if there are any interesting people to learn about. how did they succeed, that kind of thing. what technical or economic challenges did they overcome? does anime do martial arts? i dunno, but take a class and see if that is rewarding. that kind of thing.
Every day the same post… I wasted my life staring into a phone lol
Something I’ve learned is that you’re more interesting than you know because all of your experiences, even as scant as it is, are unique to you. I’ve lived through some bonkers shit in my life, but they started out as relatively benign things that I did to explore my world.
Don’t put yourself out there for the benefit of how you are perceived, put yourself out there to experience things that you want to learn about the world and yourself. What do you want to do or learn about yourself, OP?
Have you traveled much? Do you live in an interesting place?
As you said, the answer is going out and doing things. The anxiety you feel about doing so comes from the false premise that your company is not good because of your lack of “things to say” (apart from anime related subjects).
There are many qualities that make someone good to be around, like empathy, humour, intelligence… So you just have to master the courage to keep going out even if it feels uncomfortable at first. The more you do that, the better it gets.
The mind loooooves what’s known (it keeps you safe in the short term), that’s why it’s uncomfortable to form a new habit. But you know it’s good for you, and you want that change, so you literally have to feel the anxiety rise, watch / feel it, but not allowing it to decide for you. You’ll make it 💪🏻✨
Okay, here is what I would do. Watch that anime about the anime nerd that joins a bike. Lub. Invest in a mommy bike and tool around the neighborhood on it every 3 days. You get exercise, see things, and see people (the same people over and over again, IF you are consistent about time and route).
Watch a skydiving anime then go skydiving. Now you can talk about that, AND segue into the anime about it. Heck, join a basketball or volley all team. Make the anime foods. Start a blog talking about your repeating the anime experiences in real life, and how those experiences compare to to anime’s conveying their existence. To start all this, you don’t need to talk to people, and once you do start talking to people, you have these experiences to lean on.
Who cares what inspired you to the activity…what matters is your doing the activity.
Make plans solo, follow through with said plans, and you’ll eventually become the sort of person people want to include on adventures.
There’s nothing wrong with anime or cons, I’ve been enjoying them for a decade now, but if that’s you’re entire personality you’re limiting your options. Don’t be that guy who doesn’t shut up about anime, it’s interesting but not the only thing happening in the world.
Hell, start small by attending non-anime conventions. I enjoy tabletop cons, indie movie cons, and car shows too.
You might even find unexpected crossovers: there will always be ricer Initial-D fans at any car show, for instance.
You’re an addict. You’re hooked on a constant stream of easy entertainment that’s pumped right into the pleasure centers of your brain.
Could be gaming. Could be sports. Soap operas. Porn. In your case it’s anime. Doesn’t matter. The effect is the same.
So many people say “This is the only thing that makes me happy. The rest of my life is miserable.” And they never realize how much that sounds like someone who’s addicted to a drug – because that’s exactly what it is.
It’s fluff. It’s garbage. Tastes great. Zero nutrition. Your brain needs more than constant entertainment. It needs challenges. Curiousity. Stimulation.
You are eating sugar all the time, and wondering why you feel bad and your health is failing.
This is gonna suck to hear but you feel this way because you’ve chosen interests that are basically…100% childish, and the experiences you want to have and the people you want to engage with are doing adult things. I don’t play video games or know much about anime but I really can’t imagine what building your entire life around these things even looks like. Do you just talk to people on the internet about what villain Kotachu is going to battle next for ten years straight or something? This is gonna get downvoted into oblivion but for fucks sake man, grow up. Get rid of the video games, get rid of the anime and immerse yourself in adult hobbies and interests. I can tell you, they are far more interesting and rewarding. You spent the last 20 years living like an 11 year old so you’re going to have to do the basic work to have a layered and interesting life that you should have done in your teens and 20’s. Keep doing sports, do the game and trivia nights, but do something unexpected like really lean into learning to cook. I’m talking about investing as much time in a certain cooking discipline that you invest into anime. Force yourself to learn to love it. Ask yourself if you want to be the guy in 10 years who has a dinner party where you cook some next level meal for friends and drink good wine and have a killer knife collection that you know how to use, or if you want to be the 40 year old wearing a Pikachu hoodie playing Call of Duty. You can take either path, they’re both available.
This is gonna suck to hear but you feel this way because you’ve chosen interests that are basically…100% childish, and the experiences you want to have and the people you want to engage with are doing adult things. I don’t play video games or know much about anime but I really can’t imagine what building your entire life around these things even looks like. Do you just talk to people on the internet about what villain Kotachu is going to battle next for ten years straight or something? This is gonna get downvoted into oblivion but for fucks sake man, grow up. Get rid of the video games, get rid of the anime and immerse yourself in adult hobbies and interests. I can tell you, they are far more interesting and rewarding. You spent the last 20 years living like an 11 year old so you’re going to have to do the basic work to have a layered and interesting life that you should have done in your teens and 20’s. Keep doing sports, do the game and trivia nights, but do something unexpected like really lean into learning to cook. I’m talking about investing as much time in a certain cooking discipline that you invest into anime. Force yourself to learn to love it. Ask yourself if you want to be the guy in 10 years who has a dinner party where you cook some next level meal for friends and drink good wine and have a killer knife collection that you know how to use, or if you want to be the 40 year old wearing a Pikachu hoodie playing Call of Duty. You can take either path, they’re both available.
You have the find the perfect balance of relying on past experience, gaining new experience, and faking it until you make it. It’s different for everyone and you have your entire life to figure it out. You got this!
I was in a similar situation by the time I hit my mid-20’s. I had lived a very insulated life due to dedication to my sport, being very introverted, a bit on the spectrum, from a nasty town, catholic upbringing, and just generally not feeling very engaged with the world. I had big ideas, sure, but no way of realizing them. I felt stuck and woefully inexperienced.
So I decided to start saying “yes” to everything. I never gave myself the opportunity to turn something down by making excuses, I just gave an immediate yes. The only time I said no was when it conflicted with a previous yes or if it was the type of stupid or dangerous that would cause me or others serious harm. And even then it was likely still on the table.
After a long while of this I had amassed a wealth of experiences. Some were *partying on a yacht with models* incredible. Most yeses resulted in solidly good things, like job offers, climbing mountains, and relationship opportunities. Some didn’t have great outcomes, like risky activities that led to hurting myself or others. But I can only think of a couple of yeses that I’d reconsider now that I’m an older man. Even with all the scars, inside and out, I think I came out so much further ahead than had I maintained my somewhat hermetic existence.
There are a few books by people that did the same thing and it changed their lives. The one I’m most familiar with, Yes Man, came out several years into my “experiment”. It echoes a lot of the changes I made and you might find it helpful.
I don’t think you need to be an interesting person to seem like you’re an interesting and kind person. People love to talk about themselves. Go listen to people talk and get them talking about what they like. Then go do what they like and see if you like it too.
Do what you like man. It’s your life. You wanna be inside watching anime? Do it. Love who you are. You sound like a cool, genuine dude. Don’t let others dictate how you have fun. If you really wanted new experiences you wouldn’t be having that thought of I’d rather be doing X.
Everything sucks the first time you do it, it takes practice to make things good. You can’t judge a new thing solely based on the first experience of it ( unless it really sucks)
Set goals of doing new things 5 or 10 times with the mindset of ” this is new and I don’t expect it to be amazing until I’ve had practice at ” and then make a judgement about how much you “like” it
Also “things” are hard so don’t expect them to be easy like watching anime
And as someone said above, it does sound like addictive behaviour, don’t be afraid to access a therapist.
Fake it till you make it
Getting out of your comfort zone is hard. Those familiar things are easy dopamine hits – it’s why I’m answering a post on reddit right now instead of buckling down and getting past the learning curve on a new microcontroller I’m supposed to be writing code for today.
It helps if you have someone who can inspire you, but it’s way too easy to get into the trap of feeling like you need someone else’s permission or approval to get started on something new.
It’s also important to distinguish between the things you actually want to do, and the things you imagine you’d like to be the kind of person who does. If you take up backpacking because you think you ought to be the kind of person who goes backpacking but you don’t actually like it, you’re not going to stick with it. If you’re not sure which category an activity falls in, you might have to give it a fair shot for awhile – plenty of stuff doesn’t click right away or requires physical training.
There’s always the immersion option, where you put yourself into a situation where your only way out is through. That might mean taking a vacation somewhere you’ve never been before and committing to an itinerary. Or maybe a tour, so the planning part is done for you.
For me, a big one along those lines has been Burning Man. It can be a *huge* step outside your comfort zone and you can have an absolutely awful time if you’re not prepared or it’s just not your thing, but one way or another it does give you new experiences. Any time of day or night you can start walking in any direction and *something* weird will come up. You’re there for a week or more with no easy way to leave short of bailing completely, no distractions from the outside world, and things happening all over that are free and open to anyone. If it’s something that interests you, ping me in about 6 months and maybe I can help you get a ticket without having to take your chances in the main sale.
But get out there and do *something*. Work on being present in the moment, whatever it is you’re doing, rather than thinking about the comfortable things you *could* be doing.
You don’t, you simply accept the fact you didn’t life those experiences (8n case you can’t live them later on in life)
The answer is to start going out and making life experiences now. There’s no way to “overcome” lack of experience other than to start gaining experience. Best time to start making memorable moments is early in life, the second best time is now.