So I’m a 32M and I started seeing this 28F about a month ago. I met her online and we met for drinks. I walked around corner to bar and she waved at me from afar and just the way she looked at me as I got closer to her eyes her demeanor it just felt right I can’t explain it .
We had the date and it flowed. Both open and talking about ourselves, serious topics with a mix of flirty and funny ones. It was the perfect first date, I left the date and as I was walking home I had this thought “I just met my wife”.
Fast forward we have been dating about a month and every hangout has been glorious. I’ve felt infatuation. I’ve felt love. I’ve had love and lost. I’ve experienced the ins and outs of dating but this feels just different. My Gramps used to tell me he “just knew” Grama was it and he couldn’t explain it but I think I get what he means.
With that being said there is a feeling of absolute fear and dread and I can’t figure out where it is coming from. It’s like I can feel my bachelor self is at the end of his life and I’m either terrified of that or the massive responsibility of possibility questioning if I’m truly ready for it.
Has anyone felt any of these feelings, especially the underlying fear before?
How did you cope if so?
If you think I’m just overreacting or something let me know too. I’m open to all feedback, thanks in advance.
I will elaborate on anything if you have any questions.
21 comments
I don’t think you’re overreacting. I imagine this dread and fear is deeply rooted in something that would be worth exploring. I’ll just comment that despite the people who said they just knew and were together for a long time there are also those who said the same thing and are not together anymore. It’s been a month so I would slow things down. This could be the root of your fear. It’s too fast. So to cope it might be a great idea to not decide you’ve met the one when you hardly know the person.
Overinvesting emotionally is as bad as being unavailable.
The best advice I could offer is to make two lists:
one for your bachelor life. write down all the best and worst things about being single. write down your hopes and fears you have around if you remained a bachelor for the rest of your life.
the second list should be for the best case scenario around having your ideal partnership. all of your hopes and fears around it. how would your life look if you had met “the one”?
many people, once finding their ideal partner, have this fear around what they’re going to lose or miss out on as a single person. however, it’s just a *feeling* with nothing substantial behind it. thoughts and feelings of fear come and go all the time throughout our lives and don’t carry much weight unless we hold onto them tightly.
if you make a list and have TRUE CLARITY around your fears and their roots, you’ll actually be able to address the feelings that keep coming up. however, if you give so much weight to your feelings without any clarity around what they are and where they’re coming from, then you’ll always react to them from a place of fear instead of a place of knowing.
good luck and hope it works out for your highest happiness
I think the best way to deal is to tell yourself, “No matter what happens, she’s left a mark on me. and that’s ok.” I’m a woman, but after a couple months of seeing someone this thought occurred to me out of the wild blue, “I’m gonna marry this dude.” I’ve never thought that about anyone before or since, but as you can probably tell from my language, I did not marry him lol.
He did, however, change my life. Not actively, just the impact he left made me think a lot about how I approach relationships and I did a total 180 after things ended with him. So, I’m the type to believe there are other forces beyond our immediate conscious comprehension, but we don’t always translate them well. Maybe she could be your wife one day. No one knows. The only thing you do know is she will impact you, so loosen up on the outcome and be open to the experience.
I think you’re putting way too much pressure on the relationship. You started dating a month ago, just because you had a thought that you just met your wife she is actually not your wife and you have no idea if she ever would be your wife.
You putting this kind of pressure on the relationship is going to suffocate you. I think one thing you can do to help yourself out is think of things a little differently.
You’re still getting to know her, you’re both still single (I think?). You’re not getting married tomorrow, no need to rush to know anything today. How about you focus on exploring what you think “being ready” would mean for you? Explore how you manage change. Explore your beliefs about love and relationships.
Lol what do you think your kids names will be?
Don’t Ted Mosby this thing.
I liked this lady at work and I’d have these massive emotional ups and downs. I think the more you like them, the more you can lose. And right now you probably have built up a lot of dreams with this woman. It’s easy to cut it off, not risk yourself, and return to the familiar.
I hope things work out for you both.
Chillax dude. What’s meant to be will be
This is just my experience and not a universal truth by any means:
In my previous relationship, I was 100% sure that I have met my future husband/soulmate/perfect other half, like absolutely no doubt whatsoever. I was an anxious mess for more than one reason, but that attachment was definitely a major cause. It wasn’t a happy and healthy relationship. Ultimately, it took a whole lot out of me, and it was very hard to get over the whole ordeal.
EDIT: reddit just deleted the whole second part of my comment LMAO. Anyway, with my current partner it’s all very easy, we are having a fantastic time, and even though I do see us spending our lives together, I no longer believe in “the one” thing. Let me quote my favourite show:
If soulmates do exist, they’re not found, they’re made. People meet, they get a good feeling, and they get to work building a relationship.
I have been where you’re at and it usually led to a long term relationship. However, life and dating involves more than feelings. Timing matters, in addition to someone being ready for this level of a relationship. I do feel that you’re thinking too far ahead, it is still very on in your dating process. I would just continue to invest time and energy into getting to know her and let things develop at their own pace.
Hi everyone! I just want to say really fast I am reading all your responses and will reply to a lot of you when I get home later. I appreciate all of your feedback it has been very helpful.
I found someone like this and felt the same way. Then things fell apart a few weeks later. Best to take things at a normal pace and slow down. There is still plenty you two need to learn about each other.
This is called commitment issues
There’s no “the one”. Plenty of people will be able to give you what you are looking for, and during the course of your life you can enjoy several very fulfilling romantic relationships either back to back or simultaneously, depending on your relationship style.
When I meet someone fun and sexy and we hit it off, I don’t ask myself “Is this the one?” but rather, “What can we be?”
You just have to take the plunge mate. Don’t be afraid to put it all on the line. This is a very rare feeling to find and you don’t want to let that go. Trust me. If you do you’re gonna regret it and you’ll think about her for the rest of your days wondering “what could have been”. I understand the fears, truly, but don’t fuck this up. This is the feeling we’ve all been searching for and you are the lucky bloke who’s found it
I’m in your same position (33F) fell for a man I’ve known for ~5 years, we hung out then because we were both single we decided to start going on dates, our 1st official date solidified that this is someone I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.
I had not gotten that before, I just knew. I’ve been communicative about my feelings so he has no question about being rejected. 1.5 months I’m feeling dread because sometimes he’s gone a little cold, this is where my dread is coming from.
In the first month he’s complimented me, accepted me for me, matched energies and humor, I’ve never felt so sure or comfortable around anyone. He’s told me how happy he was.
But the last ~2 weeks have been so hot and cold. I’m going to finally bring it up.
I suggest find out what your dread might be and address it.
For certain people, emotional intimacy is terrifying. I purposely dated people who were “interesting” for one reason or another who would never work long term. I had no examples of functional, happy marriages, so I figured they were just a myth. Not even trying to date anybody who was remotely marriage-material was me trying to protect myself from heartbreak.
I met the guy I’m currently involved with under not-ideal circumstances, but those circumstances also made it possible to have an “excuse” to be wishy-washy emotionally and still get to spend time with him and have sex with him. I didn’t believe he could actually be “that good” (he is just as perfect as humans can possibly get/has seemingly inhuman amounts of patience, kindness, forbearance, and work ethic.) By the time I finally let myself believe he actually is “that good” I had put him through the wringer emotionally. Now I have to make up for all my standoffish emotional behavior.
Don’t be me. It’s better to go in with good faith that this actually could be “the one” without punishing them due to your baggage and hangups. Don’t rush, but don’t take over 8 years to stop second-guessing yourself and your potential partner.
Make sure to take it slow and don’t assume your current life will be completely over. Is married life so different? I would love to be in a loving relationship, but I don’t think it will change my life that much. I will still make sure to hang with friends, travel etc.
Do you envision marriage as something you might not want? Maybe try to figure out what a good relationship would look like to you before even asking yourself if she would be your person.
Change is scary. Leaving the status quo is a risk, and you’re trading what you know for what you don’t. I’ve personally been cripplingly scared of and complacent about leaving what I’ve known behind, to the point where I feel like my shot at a relationship might be lost. So I definitely understand your reaction.
I think it’s a healthy sign that you’re taking this step seriously. Worry implies concern and commitment, which foster effort to nurture what you have. If you dare to take the first step, you will learn along the way, I’m sure. 🙂
From what I’m reading, it seems that both of you are into each other. The best advice I can give is to keep a positive mindset that she is the one for you.
Yep. Mostly because mentally I wasn’t ready — so many things I still needed to figure out, and explore, and learn so I could be a good partner. It freaked me out. I’m ready now, but I certainly wasn’t then. I took a big loss by not being ready — would have handled it differently, in hindsight.