Went to a singles type of party and now I understand everything.

24 comments

1. I feel like society fucked it up by putting all the pressure on men to make the first move but also making a man look bad who hits on a woman that doesn’t reciprocate feelings. And regardless no one man or woman likes to be let down let alone publicaly when it comes to trying to talk to or ask someone out that they’re interested in. It was most likely just as awkward before online dating became big.

2. “the men who do the hitting on the girls are the creeps.”

   I’m not saying this is you at all but some girls will simply decide that the guy approaching them is a creep if they just aren’t physically attracted to him. The fact that all of this has got ramped up a lot in the last few years with the #MeToo movement is why – as you noticed – a lot of men are gunshy about approaching women.

   As for your main question, yep dating apps have definitely done a lot of damage.

3. I went to a speed dating event and me and this girl clicked. I talked to her, a lot, but then when it’s time to write the numbers… I forgot her number! And she already left!

4. I think society advanced enough where we’ve called out men enough over catcalling and made to feel creepy for making advances towards women they don’t know but didn’t really teach women how to approach men in that way either. I think we’ve come to a point where both parties could benefit from learning healthy and welcoming broaching tactics. But I think events like that are difficult to feel comfortable in because there’s the distinction that you’re there to meet potential partners so he was probably also trying to calm his nerves by taking comfort from your shared discomfort.

5. how did you find out about this “singles party” i’d like to check this out

6. Yeah I’m pretty reluctant to approach women, because 9/10 she won’t find me attractive (I’m short) and a lot of women judge whether a guy is a creep or not based off of whether they find him attractive or not. Which is ridiculous.

   Like an attractive guy and an unattractive guy could say the same thing to a girl, but the unattractive guy will be labeled a creep, the attractive guy the girls will love his confidence.

   There’s a group of girls I hang out with a couple times a year, invited to parties over the summer. I remember a specific time one of them complained about a guy hitting on her (literally just once, not some pushy type of guy) and called him a creep, then immediately changed her tone to follow up with “but if he was cute *sss* that would be different” joking with the other girls – and it really stuck with me.

   If someone wouldn’t be creepy if they were attractive, then they aren’t actually a creep, you just aren’t attracted to them. Turn them down and move on?

   I thought hanging out with girls more would make me feel more confident with women, but instead it made me realize even more just what a fine line we walk. One side, women expect you to approach them, if you don’t then they find your lack of confidence unattractive or assume you have no interest in them. On the other side, if you approach the wrong woman or slip up from your nerves and say the wrong thing, you’re labeled a creep or even a predator and it’s game over. And as someone who really struggles to read facial cues from people I’m not already close with, it’s super difficult – especially with these masks lately.

   There was a girl I used to work in the same building with who I found super cute, and noticed her looking at me a couple times. But with the mask and my poor abilities, I couldn’t tell if they were glances of interest or glances of being creeped out by me, as I think she noticed me glance at her a couple times. What am I supposed to do in that situation? I wish I could read minds, I don’t want to miss opportunities, but I also would hate to make someone uncomfortable. It’s a terrible game to play.

   I’ve also had a female friend tell me about how uncomfortable she was making out with a guy and him touching her when she wasn’t interested, but she never did anything to make it clear she wasn’t interested, she just went along with everything he did. Not blaming her, she has some anxiety so confrontation is hard for her and I understand that. But on the flip side, did he even know she was uncomfortable? What if he just was shit at reading cues? Could I ever end up in that same situation?

   I want to be the guy who can read the room, and sometimes I can really well. But other times I can’t, no matter how hard I try. Yet all the pressure feels like it’s on me to be able to. Since straight up asking someone is seen as a turn off.

7. You were the one talking and he called you awkward?

   Honestly i think that rudeness is sure fire sign of being socially stunted, and i would certainly consider that to be a rude comment to make to someone you dont know

   Im seriously tripping over this lmao. Hes definitely insecure and wanted to make you feel the same…. Anyway i do think that people are forgetting how to be normal. Someone on here once called be weird for smiling at strangers? Like what? Im being polite and friendly

8. Who cares what another person tells you, if you know you’re not awkward then you’re not. If someone doesn’t vibe with you then move on to the next.

   It’s like if someone tells you your name is Sliced Cheese you’re not going to go and look into your ID to check or ask your parents if they lied to you about your actual name … if you know yourself to be something and you’re happy about it then someone else’s opinion is irrelevant. If you don’t get triggered easily by other people’s opinions then society and people won’t seem ‘freaking weird’ for you anymore. You’ll recognise that some people jam and some don’t, and so you’ll suffer a bit less…

   ​

   Edit: so the accurate assessment of that event was there was no one that you could jam with and that absolutely happens. You’ll have better luck next time.

9. Society as a whole fucked it up. I want to touch on something that you put in your own post. “Men won’t walk over to you generally. They’re scared to overstep and us women if we don’t make any move nothing will happen. But then we feel awkward…the men who do the hitting on the girls are the creeps.” I used to make moves on people I liked but one of the rejections a “friend” of hers ended up seeing the rejection and decided to make fake accounts just to ask her about me and paint me as a sexual harasser, when that was never my intention.

   Luckily, in that story she found the truth out herself somehow, but I learned that I have to protect myself from situations like that, especially since I’m in a career where I’m trying to be a pretty recognizable person in my local area and eventually if everything goes right the world, so I can’t have that kind of shit be rumored about me even if its not true. There were many women I thought were cute since then, but will NEVER say a damn thing because if it happened once it will happen again.

   I want a relationship more than anyone else at this point because I’ve seen multiple friends and co-workers have multiple successful long-lasting (year or more) relationships and I never had that experience. Every human wants that experience… But its not as big of a thing to where I’m willing to risk my life and career plans I have over something being taken the wrong way or in the case of what happened before, a situation I had no control of and never intended to happen happening just because I was dumb enough to let my guard down not knowing who her friends were and how they acted. For this reason, even though I desperately want it and always wanted it seeing my friends get that so many freaking times while I have no relationships ever to my name, turning 24 literally tomorrow, I’ve resigned myself to focusing on my career first and if a woman comes first to me, then I will consider a relationship, but I’m done “chasing” knowing rejection isn’t the worst that can happen anymore. I’d be lying if I said I thought it would happen though, but you never know.

   That being said, as a woman, if you are interested in a man, PLEASE start taking that first step. We can’t know that you are interested in us if you don’t tell us. You are less likely to be labelled as a creep for simply making the first move than a man would. Thats why men don’t approach anymore, even if they may be interested. For women, rejection is still the worse that can happen. For men like myself, far worse HAVE have happened.

10. I attended some singles balls and I must say it was pretty much okay! I don’t necessarily feel it’s the best way to find a SO (spontaneous encounters, or meeting people in hobbies or at places of interest are the best), but never forget that courting is a two-sided road. If you don’t make eye contact with anyone, don’t send some smiles or some “Hi’s” here and there, or seek and listen to feedback, you significantly decrease the chances of being courted by those you’re attracted to.

    The guy who told you you seem “socially awkward”, did you ask what he meant (in a light tone so you can get more insights)?

    Overall, I’ll always prefer real life encounters to dating apps. Feeling so much better without them, and more hopeful and internally peaceful.

11. I feel like dating apps fucked up women’s perception of dating in the same sense that porn fucked up men’s perception of sex

12. i always appreciate people who TRY in these situations, so respect to you x

13. Well OP, you went to socially inadequate party and were surprised that the guys saw you as awkward. Newsflash all of you were awkward at that party, all in your head thinkin that someone will find you weird or creep and it lead to just that, being weird. As for the guys thing, men will not approach in this day and age, too much to lose and little to gain.

14. I’m lucky enough to have a girlfriend now but when I was in the dating loop I refused to approach women because of the general stigma of all men are rapist and creeps. The real creeps don’t care how they approach you, they will do what they want, try to touch you, get weirdly close to you etc… so I just stayed to myself and didn’t go out of my way to talk to women. Dating apps have completely fucked up the dating game too. If you aren’t drop dead gorgeous or a massive rich hunk you aren’t getting anyone on those, dating apps are for people who just want to have sex or the extravagant looking. Society has made it hard for decent men to let themselves be the initiators and have instead subverted them into the initiated. If you don’t talk to them, I guarantee they won’t talk to you. So polish up on your social skills because it’s the only hope any of us have now. Everyone is weird, society sucks, it is what it is. Best of luck to you.

15. Info: define creeps

16. I run a Singles group in my area. Try for a different group. There’s another group that’s in my area and run by shitty people. Don’t give up! I’ve made lots of friends. I believe in building each other up and not tearing them down.

17. I work in sales too and also have attended some singles events. There’s a lot of weird stuff that went on pre-Covid that has gotten much worse and I suspect to continue to deteriorate.

    I’ve also seen female fighting in a singles group. It was incredibly odd the lengths one of them would go to derail another because they were not even remotely similar in age, body type or behavior- meaning guys who are into her would never be romantically into me and vice versa.

    People have gotten to be far more self-important and seem to rationalize their less than features as self-care.

    Hang in there. And find volunteer or hobby groups as opposed to singles ones. I can’t imagine this can get worse once the world rebalances after the Covid recover in a couple of years.

18. I went to one of these mingle events once. There were like five women and sixty men. One woman got most of the attention. Most of the guys flocked to her and followed her around, and of course the only way to get her attention was to be louder than the rest of them. When I saw what was happening it kind of made me feel sick, and I couldn’t participate in that. The popular woman seemed to be enjoying it, at least, but what of she hadn’t been? And how were most of the men supposed to stand a chance? In all honesty, she was the only woman there I was remotely attracted to, too, so I understood why it happened. It just sucked. She even squeezed out of the crowd a couple times to ask me why I was just sitting in the corner (we had talked a bit before it got crowded, so this was not out of the blue), and when I told her basically the same thing I just wrote, she said something along the lines of, “this is just the way things are and the only way to make it worth it is to go for it.” I honestly think she wanted to exchange numbers with me, but I was just so uncomfortable with the situation that I couldn’t muster the energy. I left that event early, feeling sad, disappointed in men in general, and disappointed in myself.

19. I Think this post says all. Dating these days is swkward ist frustrating and, I as a Man mid 20s its pointless. But i would definitly go to this kind of event, but not to date, just to be there and watch, maybe learn something about Human Behaivor und have a lot of fun with this real life sitcom

20. Also went into a speed dating event. The issue was that 90% of the women there, I was not attracted to. The 2 girls that I do find attractive, there was literally a line to talk to her. I think dating in general is just so top heavy for guys and girls. On top of that, people get exhausted by guy/girl number 5 rolls around. Online dating is just a projection of what the current dating world is – we all want the ‘best’ (combination of looks and personality) and nothing less

21. Went to a singles party once. Just once. In London. But that was more than enough.

    15 guys in their 20s, 2 girls in their 20s (inundated by attention), and a few 30+ ladies.
    These sorts of events are just a microcosm of dating apps. Especially for straight guys.

22. This brings up a great discussion. Has dating changed? Absolutely. Now, has it fucked it up? Has it changed it for the worst?

    I don’t think dating apps is what caused the change but society. Online you hear how women hate being approached while out in the real world, women complain how men won’t approach them.

    There’s a difference in what people say and what they do. Women feel that being approached is harassment? You’re ok to feel that way but as a man, no relationship is worth being associated with rapists for just wanting to approach someone.

23. In my opinion the dating app phenomenon is more of a symptom than the problem itself. You say that the men who did the unprovoked “hitting on” are creeps, and that may be the case. But there is a reason why you felt awkward: for better or worse, men and women are hardwired to play roles in mating, not to overgeneralize, but men have always (until recently) played the role of the initiator, its just the way traditional courtship has manifested. In the modern world of gender equality, there is a conflated sense that if a woman is interested in a man, they will be equally as likely to initiate, which is usually not true in my experience. That being said if men do approach women, and take a shot, they are often considered creeps, regardless of whether they have done anything objectively creepy, so logically, men who aren’t creeps will avoid doing that, and make the previous assumption about women initiating.

    So yeah, kinda seems like we have found ourselves in a negative feedback loop between our biological drives, and our societal ideals. I guess the take away from this is to just keep an open mind about people. I think it’s often pretty easy to tell a creep from a normal dude, going out of his comfort zone, if you remove your cultural stigmas about what gender rokes *should* look like. From a dudes perspective; theres nothing wrong with approaching prospective mates and flirting, just manage expectations and be prepared for some let downs (easier said than done sometimes). If you have never approached a woman, you will probably stumble over your words, and you will most likely embarrass yourself, but like anything, you just need to practice putting yourself out there.

    And yeah, if you’re a lady who *wants* to approach their prospective lovers, all the power to you! But the rules still apply to you. At the end of the day, with a few exceptions, we are all looking for the same thing and maybe shouldn’t be so overly worried about it. Just be kind, you know?🤷‍♀️

    Just my 2 cents lol

24. iv been telling women things like this for years