I (24 NB) was recently looking at a website I used to belong to (let’s call it Falsebook, idk) – where I met my ex (21 F) – because I had discovered that she’d returned to the site after a long break, and I wanted some closure. A little backstory: this ex (let’s call her by a fake name, “Nicole”) was incredibly emotionally manipulative throughout the entirety of our relationship, and when we ended up meeting in person the second time (we were long distance), she ended up being sexually abusive and forced herself on me multiple times
Of course after this I broke up with Nicole, which is more than I can say I would’ve had the courage to do in past relationships, but I decided to stay friends with her for a few weeks after that for some fucking reason. She was doing really poorly and I still cared about her, so I wanted to be there for her. And at one point, I actually planned on getting back together with her (or at least supporting her somehow) because she said she was pregnant, and I didn’t want to leave her a single parent. But, when she said she had a miscarriage and began directing suicide threats at me and verbally putting me down almost every day, I decided to cut all ties with her
She made her own posts on Falsebook about how I was some deadbeat who abandoned her in her time of need, and people flocked to her in support. The people on there who *were* aware of the abuse she put me through congratulated and thanked me for being “mature” and “understanding” enough for not making it a public thing or speaking out about it. But once I got over the initial shock and pain of the whole situation, I made my own post to let everybody know the kind of person Nicole is. Maybe that wasn’t the mature thing to do, but I’ve honestly never had the chance to speak out about my abusers like that before, and I felt betrayed by the people there who I used to call my friends who all flooded this woman with support after what she’d done
I left that website shortly after this. And a few months later, I briefly returned just to see if anybody actually supported me, because I needed some kind of validation that I’m not fucking crazy. As I expected, there were a *lot* of mixed responses, with some being in favor of Nicole and talking down to me for “not giving her a chance”, or not sticking with her. But some were supportive of me as well. I thought that would be all the closure I needed. But I’ve been stewing on it. I’ve been going to therapy about this ever since. It’s been over a year – nearly two – and I’m still healing. And part of me wanted some final closure. So when I discovered last night that Nicole had returned to the site, I looked at some of her recent posts
In a number of those posts, just as before, there was this outpouring of support and understanding from her followers – some of whom had even claimed to believe me when I spoke out about her abuse. Of course, she fails to mention the shit she put me through, and instead seems to be sticking with the “deadbeat partner” thing, but I was utterly shocked at the people who claimed to support me who just sided with her seemingly immediately. It was very re-traumatizing for me. She seems to be doing great now, which is awesome. I’m the only one who has to deal with the lasting emotional scars she left me, but everybody else just gets to fucking move on like nothing ever happened. To have people I once loved and trusted just do a 180 on me like this is really messing me up. I’ve been sick to my stomach over this and feel incredibly alone
Long story short, I’m wondering if it’s a good idea to confront her a final time about this. It would be over messages, of course, since I neither have nor want any other way of contacting her. Is this something that would give me more closure if I did, or would it just worsen my existing wounds?
TLDR: my abusive ex has seemingly garnered a lot of support from people who claimed to believe me after I spoke out about what she’s done to me, and it has been very triggering for me. Would it be a good idea, or would I get closure, if I confronted her about the lies she’s been telling others, or would it just exacerbate my mental state?
5 comments
Said it before you can go on & post any rubbish on ”falsebook” & people who dont know you from Adam will have an opinion wether they know the truth or not
If you were to confront her I would suggest have some1 with you so she cant make up more stories??
you need to decide if this really important to you or can you let it go & move on to a ”better headspace” where she isnt taken up room
Confronting her again won’t give you any more closure, all it will do is bring you to the forefront of her mind again and probably a whole new string of false book messages and more agony as you sift through the responses.
You’re not going to like this, but, social media websites like Facebook aren’t really about friendship. They can’t be. What they are is entertainment. They are what someone does when they are squatting on the toilet taking a dump. And a lot of people don’t know how to handle issues with delicacy, they don’t know how to handle things that are complicated, they don’t know what to do when there isn’t a clear good guy or bad guy and everything is mixed and horrible all at the same time.
I would instead encourage you to keep seeking support from your real friends in real life. Entertainment websites will keep being entertainment websites.
It sounds like your relationship with this woman, nicole, is completely over. There will probably never be a friendship left.
Keep working with your therapist.
Sounds like you are being affected by a whole bunch of people’s opinion , that you don’t even really know in real life.
This will be a case where you need to stay off of that particular social media site and not interact with that particular group so that you don’t need to be worrying and thinking about what they’re thinking about for something that happened two years ago
Definitely do not get back in touch with this person who basically has caused you to go to therapy
I think confronting her would probably exacerbate your mental state, as you said.
People are weird on the internet. I bet the people who supported you and are now supporting her are only trying to make themselves look good by yelling out sympathy regardless of the context. Even if Satan himself made a sob story on Fakebook, people would probably still comment sympathetic shit just to clout chase
It sucks that you went through what you went through and are getting bashed for it. I hope you’re able to find peace <3
You’re trying really hard to meet up to get closure on this former relationship. You need to realize that closure is something you give to yourself. Nobody else can give you closure. Asking your ex for closure is like asking the car jacker who just stole your car if he’ll buy you a new one. It just doesn’t work like that.
>Long story short, I’m wondering if it’s a good idea to confront her a final time about this.
Don’t do that.