Just what the title says. My(41F) boyfriend(39M) and I have been having some issues in the bedroom that pretty much lead to him not being interested in sex anymore. Things were great until we moved in together and so I assumed maybe things were calming down due to getting into a routine with blending our families all while during the last part of the school year.
Here we are six months later and there’s no passion, no intimacy and an almost dead bedroom. He swears it’s nothing I’ve done or not done or that he doesn’t love me or isn’t attracted to me anymore, he just doesn’t know what is causing him to not want it at all. It used to only take my kiss and he was ready to go, now there is nothing I can do to entice him besides wake him up already getting what I want and that’s no fun.
I asked him if it was just sex with me he wasn’t interested in or if it was any woman, he says he doesn’t know outside of porn cause he hasn’t tried to find out, and porn doesn’t help either. So that leads me to the hall pass thought.
I already offered to temporarily and partially open our relationship so he can find out how the prospect of another woman effects him but he says he doesn’t want that. I don’t necessarily want him to go through with anything and trust me I know the risk I take by opening the door and giving him the hall pass, however, if this helps him figure out whether or not it’s a me or him thing, I’d rather risk it all than not know and lose someone that means the world to me just slightly less than my children. Even if it’s just me, even if he’s not sexually attracted to me anymore, he doesn’t deserve to be treated like he’s some monster because he’s experiencing something I can’t really understand from my viewpoint. Idk what I should do but I know that it’s killing me to see him struggling to find answers as much as I am and I’m grasping at straws here. And just to add we’re low income, he doesn’t have insurance and seeing a doctor isn’t something we can afford right this moment but we are working towards getting him to one who can do some routine blood work and it not be too expensive.
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Have you guys thought that maybe it could just be stress or depression? How is he in himself?! Also if there is like a “thing” around being active with eachother then that might just be a little bit more pressure if he is already stressed about stuff! The fact that he has said he doesn’t want to open the relationship up proves he cares about you and isn’t thinking that way at all (as I’m sure if that was the case 99% of guys would have your hand off for a hall pass) I think maybe just try and find that special thing between you guys again! Don’t offer something up that more than likely isn’t necessary! X
I’d be wary about the hall pass. Think about the consequences. What if he did enjoy it outside of your relationship, how would you feel with that?
Personally, getting to the bottom of the problem is needed first before inviting anyone to crash this party.
In my opinion, you’re approaching this situation entirely backwards. It’s not a good idea to open up your relationship solely on the basis of “there’s no passion, no intimacy and an almost dead bedroom.” Couples who have a successful open relationship are typically secure with the state of the relationship. Everything you’ve described suggests the opposite.
The better approach would be to ask your boyfriend, as gently as possible, if he would be willing to work on the intimacy between you two. See what he says, and go from there. If he is willing to work on things, then that is the best case scenario. As long as both parties are willing to improve the relationship, then it most certainly can be improved.
Sorry you’re going through this, but this is an awful idea because it has no positive outcome. It’s lose-lose because it does absolutely nothing to actually resolve whatever the underlying issue is.
You two are not compatible.
He should ask his doctor to test his testosterone levels for Low-T. Low testosterone can dramatically affect his libido (sex drive). It’s a simple blood lab test and if it shows Low-T, the solution might be as simple as the doc prescribing testosterone gel to be applied daily.
Talk about a no win situation.
A sex worker would potentially be an amazing resource for y’all.
More and more some of us are seeing what we do as a combination of sex + therapy.
Just also want to say your healthy communication sounds really strong. And I also want to ask what do YOU want out of this? Are YOU ok with a dead bedroom? Would YOU like a hall pass?
I think it’s so sad so many think of “til death do us part” means “if this one person chooses not to have sex with me I’ll never get laid again!”
1 – Testosterone level. Please go get it checked. I work in an industry where I see this all the time. From the age of 30+ men’s testosterone starts to drop. An injection every 10 days could turn him into a beast.
2 – Depression, this will absolutely kill libido.
3 – Fitness and physical exercise. Men who lift weights naturally increase testosterone production and feel better about themselves. When he feels like a beast, he’ll fuck like a beast.
Therapy